“She’s almost never home!” I defended myself unnecessarily as my eyes kept looking for something I could throw up in.

“I know. Saco, you need to breathe. Okay? Can is behind you if you need to hurl. Just breathe and listen to me.”

I nodded my head and gripped the arms of the chair I was sitting in.

“The complaint came in a few mornings ago. From what you were telling me, it was the morning after her latest episode. Now, you said you were out when she called, correct?”

My mind flashed to the hotel with Kamryn, and my eyes slowly met Chief’s. “Yes.”

“And that person will testify to that if needed?”

I nodded again, even as I knew I couldn’t put Kamryn in that situation.

“Because I know you wouldn’t do this to anyone, Olivia included. But if her family decides to send a letter like this to a judge or someone else who doesn’t know you like I do, then you’ll need to be able to fight your side. You understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“That is why I said you might want to leave this to her family. Because even though she has threatened suicide to you, to others she’s saying you’re making it up. She hasn’t done anything suicidal yet, and until then, you can’t force her to be seen by a doctor. It has to be her decision. And if she’s retaliating against you this way when you are suggesting she get help, I don’t see this ending well for you, if you know what I mean.”

I ran my hands agitatedly through my hair and leaned back in the chair. “But I’m the one who caused this. This is all on me. I owe it to her to get her help.”

Chief was silent for a long time as he thought about how to respond. “I get it, Saco, I do. I just hate to see you doing this to yourself, and I hate to see her family trying to destroy you and your career even more. This is going to sound heartless and is to be kept between you and me, but just know that helping her now may hurt you more in the end. Like I said, it may be worth it to let her family deal with it.”

I thought about my relationship with Kamryn, but pushed that to the back of my mind for now. “I appreciate the advice, Chief. But I need to keep trying.” I stood to leave, then turned to face him as I reached the door and asked my original question again. “So there’s nothing I can do that you know of?”

“No, sorry. Unless she does something suicidal, or something we can arrest her for, it ultimately has to be her decision to get help. I’m here if you need anything, Saco.”

“Thank you. I’ll be back before my shift tonight, there’s something I have to do.” I didn’t wait for him to respond, I just turned and made my way out of the police department.

I drove to the familiar lot and parked in the same spot I always do. With a deep breath in, I got out of my Expedition and walked the too-familiar path until I was standing in front of the piece of marble with Tate’s name and dates on it. Squatting down, I moved the stuffed monkey I’d placed there for his fifth birthday and traced the letters and numbers as I apologized again to my son.

After he died, my family and friends had all said that one day the pain would slowly start lessening, that one day it would get easier and I’d start moving on with my life. They were wrong. I still hated myself, the guilt still ate at me just as much as it had the day it happened, and my grief was as strong as ever. Kamryn was bringing me back to life, but with Tate gone, and with Olivia constantly throwing his death in my face, I didn’t know how to even begin to deal and move on from the sorrow that was always waiting in the background.

Placing the monkey back in front of the headstone, I pressed my fingers to my lips before touching the cool stone.

“I love you, little man. I’m so sorry.”

Kamryn

June 9, 2015

DROPPING THE TAKEOUT on the island in my kitchen, I took off for my bedroom and rushed to get into my pajamas. Just as I was slipping the shirt over my head, the doorbell rang, and I ran back through my condo to answer the door.

“Did you get the food?” Kinlee asked excitedly.

“Just got home from picking it up. Did you get the stuff for the drinks?”

She held up a large brown paper bag. “Pfft. Duh!” Turning to look at Jace, she made a shoo-ing motion with her hand. “You can go now, slave.”

He rolled his eyes, but smiled as he looked at me. “Call me if she gets too trashed. Otherwise I’ll be back at eleven.”

“See you then!”

After kissing my cheek, he grabbed Kinlee’s cheeks in his hands and kissed her hard. “Call me ‘slave’ again and see who doesn’t get that thing she likes tonight.”

Kinlee whined, “Babe! That’s not fair, you promised!”

“I think I just threw up,” I whispered.

“You gonna call me ‘slave’ again?”

“No,” she said and pouted.

“Then start counting down the hours until I—”

“I’m still standing here!” I yelled, cutting Jace off. “Still losing my appetite rapidly. Please leave.”

He laughed loudly and with another quick kiss to Kinlee’s forehead, turned and headed toward his truck.

“Y’all disgust me,” I said when he left.

Kinlee looked at me with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “Well, he sure doesn’t disgust me.”

“Oh, my God! We’re done talking about this. Mexican food. Margaritas. Movie. No more thinking about you and Jace.”

She shrugged as we walked toward the kitchen. “You could always join us.”

I stopped walking and my jaw dropped. “Kinlee!”

“Oh, my God, you need to see your face!” she somehow managed to say between hard laughs. “Aw, Kace, you know I’m joking. But that was too perfect an opportunity to pass up—I had to say it. And your expression just shows me it was so worth it.”

I gagged and thought about anything other than Kinlee and Jace’s sex life. “Just make the freaking margaritas.”

Hours later, we had eaten way too much, were already well into being drunk, had finished one movie, and for whatever reason had thought it would be amazing to make our own choreography to songs.

“I need to sit! I need water, and I need to sit.” When I realized I was already on the couch, I laughed. “Okay, maybe just water.”

Kinlee flopped onto the couch and laid her head on my lap. “We’re amazing at that, don’t you think? I think we’re amazing. No one can dance like we can. We’re amazing.”

“Say ‘amazing’ again.”

“Amazing!” she yelled and attempted what I think was the running man . . . while lying down.

“I can’t move! I have never in my life been so tired.”

Kinlee quickly rolled onto her stomach and then up on her knees. “Kace! Where in the mother effing world are you from?”

I laughed and fell back into the cushions. “Why?”

She flipped her hair back and grabbed the glasses off my face before putting them on her own. “I have naverrrr, in mah lahfe . . . been so tard.”

Grabbing my glasses, I put them back on my face. “I don’t sound like that!”

“Yes, you do!” she yelled out, still trying to give herself a southern drawl. “I’ve known you almost a year—it’s about time you tell me.”

My laughter slowly died down as I took in Kinlee’s expectant expression, her eyes the most sober I’d seen them since our first margarita that night. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell her everything. Who I was, about Brody and me . . . all of it. But I couldn’t yet. Sitting back up, I grabbed on to her arm and looked her in the eye. “Lee, what if I told you I’m not ready for people to know about my life before I moved here?”

She pouted, but not because she wasn’t getting her way. “Was it really that bad, KC?”

“It might not have been as bad as you’re thinking it was. But it was something I hated, something I wanted so badly to get far away from. And now that I am away from it, I’m so happy. Happy to not have to be that girl or think about her anymore, if that makes sense. And I guess I’m not ready yet for anyone to even get a glimpse of who I was. I’m sorry if that hurts you, I want to tell you, Kinlee. I really do. I swear, when I’m ready to think about that girl again, you’ll be the first to know.”