Everything in the gym seemed to go still as I stared at Riley. All the old feelings hit me once again—feelings that had never really left me. I watched as she raised her hand and waved at me with an awkward smile. I stared at her for a moment, not knowing what to do.

I felt guilty that a part of me was so excited to see her. I wanted to run over to her, pick her up, and give her a big kiss. I wanted to hold her close to me. I wanted to feel her warm body against mine once again. I wanted to be able to love her freely. But then I thought of Clara, and the color that had seeped into my world for a brief moment faded to black once again. I turned away abruptly without even acknowledging her and walked to the locker room with my heart beating fast.

Why was she here? I was annoyed. I hadn’t expected to see her. I didn’t want to see her. Riley could make what was very simple become complicated again. I closed my eyes and then went to splash my face with cold water. I felt bad for ignoring her, but I knew that was the only way. I had to be indifferent to her. After everything that had happened, I couldn’t allow myself to seek joy in her presence. I was a sinner and I had to pay for what I had done.

Riley

Present Day

I hurried out of the gym with tears in my eyes. I should have known that Hudson was Batman. He’d always been Batman. I didn’t understand why he had snubbed me. Well, I guess that was a lie. I did understand why. I just hadn’t expected it.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I walked to my car. Seeing him had affected me deeply. I felt winded. When I’d waved at him, his eyes had lit up for one brief second. For a split second, I’d thought everything was going to be okay. He had forgiven me. He had forgiven himself. We were all right. But then the light had faded, his eyes had darkened, and he’d walked away without even acknowledging my existence.

I knew he blamed himself for what had happened. I knew that the guilt must be ravaging him inside. I knew that because the guilt was still ravaging me. Every single day. I felt like I was the scarlet woman. The whore of Babylon. I knew why he hated me, because I hated myself. But I still held hope.

My breath had still caught when I saw him. My heart had still jumped when my eyes took him in. Oh, how I’d longed for the day when I would see him again. My tall, wonderful Hudson. He’d looked sweaty and more fit than I remembered him being. It had been four years since I’d seen him. Four long years. And nobody even realized it aside from me. I knew that Eden didn’t think anything of it. But of course, she didn’t know. She couldn’t know.

I got into my car and sat there for a while, just letting my tears flow. I hadn’t expected it to feel like this.

I’d been waiting for this moment for years. Hudson was my first love. My only love. And I’d longed for the day when I would get to see him again. I’d hoped that it would be like it had been in the beginning: easy, carefree, loving. He’d always been my protector, more than my best friend’s brother. He’d been like my best friend as well. Only I had gone and ruined it. I’d ruined it all in one impetuous moment.

Four Years Ago

It was the final night of our summer vacation and while I was happy to have enjoyed the last two weeks of the summer with my best friend and her family, I was also incredibly sad. I had watched Hudson and Clara go out each day, and I’d been jealous. Very, very jealous. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Clara. She was by all accounts a sweet, intelligent girl. But I didn’t want her with Hudson.

Hudson sat next to me on the couch. “Hey, sweet pea. What you thinking about?”

“Nothing. I can’t believe this is our final night.” I smiled at him and tried not to shiver as he put his arm around my shoulder.

“I know.” He nodded. “It went by so fast.”

“We didn’t even get to spend much time together,” I blurted out and then groaned inwardly. Why was I being so obvious?

“You and Eden seem to have been very busy.”

“You and Clara looked busy too.” I could hear the jealousy in my voice, and I bit my lower lip in embarrassment. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. You guys are in love.”

“We’re not in love.” Hudson shook his head. “Far from it.”

“Oh.” I looked into his eyes then and saw an emotion I’d never seen before. “I thought you were.”

“No, we’re just friends.”

“Friends with benefits?”

“There aren’t many benefits,” he laughed and looked over at Clara. “I mean, she’s a great girl, but we aren’t together for stuff like that.”

“Stuff like what?” I giggled.

He rolled his eyes. “Benefit stuff.”

“You mean sex?”

“Yes, Riley.” He sighed and squeezed my shoulder. “I mean sex.”

“You guys have never had sex?”

“We have.” His eyes searched mine. “But we haven’t had sex on this trip.”

My eyes widened. “Oh.” I wanted to ask why, but I was scared of his answer.

“Hudson, let’s go down to the bar,” Clara called over to us as she danced along to a song in the kitchen.

“We have beers here, Clara,” Hudson called back, but he didn’t get up.

“I want to go to the bar.” She made a face. “Don’t be a spoilsport.”

“I don’t want to go to the bar. You’ve had enough to drink.”

“Who are you? My dad?” She left the kitchen and walked over to us. “Leave the little kids behind and let’s go be with the big kids.”

I gasped at her words. She’d never been so mean and rude to me before. I could see from across the room that Eden looked a bit shocked as well.

“Be nice.” Hudson frowned. “And maybe go and lie down. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” Clara slurred.

“Come on.” Hudson jumped up and grabbed her arm. “Excuse me, Riley.” He gave me a small smile and escorted Clara out of the room.

“I guess they’re about to have some hot drunken sex.” Eden grinned at me, and I attempted a smile, though it was very weak.

“Yeah, who knows.” I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a soda, feeling overwhelmingly sad. “I wish today wasn’t our last day here.”

“I know,” Eden groaned. “I don’t want to go back to school.”

“At least we have college applications to look forward to.”

“Are you joking?” Eden gave me a crazy look. “I still have to retake my SATs, and I don’t know if my GPA is good enough to get into State.”

“Not trying for Harvard anymore?” I laughed.

“Harvard my ass.” She grinned at me. “My GPA wouldn’t even get me into the kitchen staff program.”

“Kitchen staff program?” I burst out laughing and collapsed next to her on the couch. “You always make me laugh, you goof.”

“You know it’s true. Shit, I may not even get into State. I may have to go to community college for two years.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” I smiled at her and rubbed her shoulders. “It’s cheaper.”

“You’re a doll, Riley, but I do not want to go to community college first.” She sighed. “I want to meet hot frat guys, and there are no hot frat guys in community college.”

“Eden, you do know you’re not going to college to meet guys, right?”

“What? I’m going to get laid.” She grinned.

“What do you think you’re first time will be like?” I sat back and sipped on my Coke.

“I hope it’s hot.” She grinned. “And I hope he’s hot as well. Tall, blond, maybe a surfer. And I hope he’s really into me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, I would hope he’s really into you as well.”

“What about you? What do you want your first time to be like?”

“I want it to be magical.” I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. “I want it to be under the stars. I want there to be fireworks in the sky. I want him to hold me and love me and kiss me all over. I want him to—”

“Okay, this is sounding like a movie, Riley.” Eden laughed. “I do not foresee some random guy in college kissing you all over. More like a quick in out, in out, and bam.” She laughed. “That’s what Alexis told me her first time was like with Todd.”