This time, his lips were soft and searching. He kissed me as if he were looking for something, and I kissed him back urgently. My hands found their way to his head and my fingers played with his hair as his tongue entered my mouth. I sucked on it eagerly, as if our deepening kiss would somehow fix everything. I felt his hands on my back, then on my stomach. His fingers caressed me. His touch made me feel alive.

Then his fingers made their way up to my breasts. At first, he was timid, but then it was as if something in him had snapped. His fingers squeezed my breasts eagerly and roughly as his tongue wrestled with mine. I could feel his breathing grow heavier. My own heart was beating fast, and I pressed myself against him. This was what I had been missing. This was what felt so right. This was where I belonged.

“No,” he gasped as my fingers ran down his chest and he pulled away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want this to happen. This can’t happen again, Riley.”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down, ashamed of myself.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t hate me, Hudson.” I looked into his eyes, trying to convey all of my emotions in one glance. “I’m sorry about what happened.” It was the first time I had told him sorry, and I felt as if I were in that moment once again.

“It’s not your fault. I’m the sinner, Riley. I’m the one who has to pay.” His eyes looked at me bleakly.

I could feel the pain running through his veins. I could see the guilt. I recognized the sleepless nights in the bags under his eyes, and I sensed the hopelessness in his voice. It was the same pain and hopelessness I felt. It was the same guilt I experienced every night when I went to bed. Only I was the one to blame.

“It wasn’t your fault, Hudson.” I reached out to him, but he shook his head.

“I’m sorry. Please just go. Riley. Please. I can’t do this. I don’t want to see you.” He looked away from me, and I wanted to scream at him. How could he sound and look so casual as he ripped my heart out of my body?

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, needing him to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Riley. I don’t know what you expected.” He glanced at me and looked away. “It’s been four years. We shouldn’t have seen each other again. I thought we’d never see each other again. I’m not a good man.” He stared at me then. I could see that his eyes were devoid of emotion. It was if he had lost a part of himself.

I watched him walk back into the gym and stood there for a few minutes, deciding what to do. I wanted to go back in, but I knew it was too soon. I wasn’t going to let him run me out again. The next time I went back to the gym, I was going to be in full control of my emotions.

It was obvious to me that Hudson hadn’t forgiven himself for that night, and that killed me. I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted him to know my part, but I was scared that he would hate me more than he already did. I decided to go home and study instead. I needed to think about something other than Hudson. It was clear to me that we were never going to get back to that place.

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about Hudson and the kiss. I hugged my pillow and tried not to scream as I daydreamed about him, my textbook on the bed next to me.

“Hey, what are you doing home?” Eden walked into my room with a surprised face.

“Needed to study.”

“I thought you were going to interview some of the guys. Don’t tell me that they figured out you have no clue already.”

“Very funny.” I laughed. “And they know I’m not an expert.”

“You told them?” She sat down on the bed next to me. “Tell me. Are there any hotties?”

“Hotties?”

“The guys! Any potential de-virginizers?” She giggled, and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. Well, there is one guy, Justin. He seems nice, but who knows.”

“Ooh, Justin. I like the name. Is he a surfer?”

“Not a surfer.” I shook my head and she sighed.

“Of course not.” She lay back on my bed next to me. “Where did all the surfers go?”

“Hawaii?”

“Funny.” She giggled. “So tell me more. Why are these guys doing this? Aren’t they risking their lives?”

“I don’t know. Money, I guess.” I bit my lower lip and sat up. “I saw Hudson.”

“What?” Her eyes widened. “My brother, Hudson?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Weird.” She stared at me. “Where did you see him?”

“At the gym.”

“Oh?”

“He’s trying to enter the competition.”

“The fight?” She sat up then. “No shit.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He seemed pretty intense.”

“Yeah.” She sighed and leaned against the wall. “I guess he never really got over Clara.”

“Yeah.” I looked away, feeling bad.

“I spoke to Luke the other day,” she said slowly. “He said Clara’s mom is doing really badly. Like she might get evicted.”

My eyes widened. “Oh no.”

“I bet he wants to give her the money,” she continued. “What’s the prize again? A hundred grand?”

“A million dollars.”

Her jaw dropped. “Holy shit. That’s a lot of money.”

“Yeah.” I nodded and then peeked at her. “He looked like he was really down, Eden.”

“Oh, he’s always like that these days.” She shrugged.

“Do you ever think about that summer?” I asked her softly, not wanting to bring it up but needing to talk about it.

“Sometimes.” She nodded and sighed. “But honestly, I try not to.”

“I always think about that last night,” I continued. “If we had done something differently, what would have happened?”

“Yeah. If I hadn’t gone on that horrible date.” She made a face.

“Yeah, or if Hudson and I hadn’t gone out and left Clara at home.”

“We couldn’t have known, Riley.” Eden grabbed her hands. “We were only in high school.”

“But we knew she’d been drinking,” I continued, not able to stop.

“We thought she was sleeping.” Eden’s voice rose. “I’m sorry, but she was selfish. She had no business going to the bar by herself. Especially when she was already drunk.”

“Alcohol makes it so you can’t think properly.”

“She was an alcoholic. She did this to herself.” Eden grabbed her hands. “I know you’re sensitive, Riley, but her death wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t Hudson’s either.”

“I know.” I looked down, unseeing and barely able to breathe. I was taken back to that night, and all I could think about was lying naked in his arms, kissing him, touching him, loving the feel of him next to me.

It had been so sweet, so so sweet. Yet it had ended in tears. We’d stayed out all night and we’d gone back home in the early hours of the morning. Everything had fallen apart as soon as we saw the cop cars in front of the house. It was as if we both knew before we’d even been told. I could remember that night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

“Oh, Hudson!” Eden had run out of the house and into his arms. Her face was red with tears and she didn’t even notice how we stepped apart quickly. She didn’t notice that I was wearing his shirt. She didn’t notice that our bodies were glowing. She didn’t notice that Hudson and I had made love all night under the stars. She didn’t notice because none of that mattered. Not after the tragedy that had occurred. “What’s wrong?” Hudson had asked the words but I think we both knew.

“It’s Clara,” she whispered. “She’s dead.”

“Riley, are you okay?” I felt Eden shaking my shoulder, and I looked up at her unblinking.

“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”

“Are you thinking about it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed. “I was thinking about it.”

“She was driving drunk. She was irresponsible.” Eden grabbed my shoulders. “Look at me, Riley. This wasn’t our fault. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have driven drunk.”

“I know.” I felt sick to my stomach and rolled away from her. “Do you think I can be by myself right now?” I whispered. “I don’t feel well.”