“What about?”

“Yeah, what about, Batman?” Justin chimed in, and I tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut. I liked Justin and didn’t want to have to smack him.

“Riley.” I said her name softly, and she gazed up into my eyes. We stared at each other for a few seconds and then she stood up.

“Fine.” She followed me to the back of the bus, and I heard Justin shouting after us.

“Don’t leave me, Riley,” he sang out, and a couple of the guys laughed.

“So?” She sat down in the back next to me, and I could see the question in her eyes.

“I wanted to just say hey.” I shrugged, feeling inadequate.

“You could have said hey while I was at the front.”

“I thought we could talk.”

“About what?” She leaned back and looked at me expectantly.

“Maybe we can be friends?” I felt awkward saying the words. This was a girl I loved. This was the girl whose virginity I had taken, yet here I was, asking her to be friends like we were strangers.

“Sure.” She nodded and looked down.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you the other day.”

“You already told me that.”

“I’m sorry that I told you to leave.”

“I understand why.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m not,” she whispered, and I looked at her in shock. My heart started beating fast as she stared into my eyes.

“Sorry, what?”

“I’m not sorry you kissed me.” She bit her lower lip, and I could see the confusion in her eyes. “It was nice.”

“Riley,” I groaned. I didn’t need this right now. I didn’t want her to tell me that she’d enjoyed kissing me. I couldn’t hear that.

“Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault that Clara died.” She stared into my eyes, and in that instant, I felt like I was back at the scene. She had the same look in her eyes that I’d had when we saw the cops outside the house.

I was ashamed of the first thoughts I’d had when I’d seen the cops. I was mad. I was mad that our perfect evening was being ruined. I’d wanted it to be so special. I’d wanted every moment of it to be picture perfect. But of course, how could it have been? I’d been a guy with a girlfriend. It didn’t matter that I’d been about to end it. The fact was that I hadn’t ended it, yet I had still slept with Riley.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I shook my head, and she grabbed my hand.

“I need to tell you something.” Her voice cracked and I shook my head again.

“No. This isn’t the time.”

“Do you hate me?” Her voice drifted into my ears, and it felt so strange to hear it. I’d grown up listening to that voice, but now it sounded distant. It was surreal.

“I could never hate you.” I took her hand in mine. “You know that, right? You’ll always be my little squirt.”

“You just stopped talking to me.”

“I’m sorry.” I sat back and took a deep breath. “I took advantage of you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me.”

“I never should have encouraged you to skinny dip.”

“Hudson, stop it.” She shook her head angrily. “I wanted you to.”

“I should have waited. I should have made it more special. It wasn’t right. We shouldn’t have made love that night.”

“So you regret it?”

“Yes.” I nodded and stared into her eyes. “I regret it.”

A dart of pain shot through me as I lied. This is why you’re evil and destined for hell, Hudson, an inner voice said to me. You don’t regret it at all. You’ve never regretted it. It’s the only thing that makes you happy. It’s the memory you look back at when you feel down and depressed.

Making love to Riley was the highlight of my life. That night was everything to me. I held it close to my heart. It made me feel. And I lived with that guilt every single day of my life. The best moment of my life happened right before Clara died. And I just couldn’t live with myself for that.

“I see.” Her voice cracked and she jumped up.

“Where are you going?” I grabbed her arm, loath to see her walk away.

“I’m going back to my seat.”

“Oh.” I dropped my arm.

“It was good talking to you.” She offered me a weak smile.

“Friends again?” I held out my hand, and she looked at it for a second before taking it.

“Okay, friends again.” We shook hands weakly, and I watched her walk back to the front of the bus.

I felt my heart breaking once again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through this weekend. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the rest of my life.

I went for a run in the woods to try and calm myself down. I’d been pissed when I saw Channing and Riley place their sleeping bags next to each other. I’d seen him grinning at me as he put his bag down next to hers, and I’d wanted to punch him hard. He was a jackass, and I knew he was deliberately trying to wind me up.

“Save your energy for the fight,” I whispered to myself as I ran. That’s all I could tell myself.

I couldn’t afford to make a wrong step and not get the opportunity to attend the championships. I needed to win the million dollars. I needed to support Clara’s mom since I knew that was her greatest wish, and I also wanted to give money to Jamilah’s mom. I was worried about her.

I’d seen her right before the fight, and she’d looked stressed. I knew that she was leaving the kids at home while she went to work, but what could I say? I knew she needed the money, and I tried to babysit whenever I could. It broke my heart that Jamilah and Marcus were left alone so many nights, but I didn’t know what I could do without interfering. If I won the million dollars, maybe Jamilah’s mom could look for a new job and get someone to help her watch the kids.

I stopped by a tree trunk, sweat dripping down my face. I felt like I had a world of worries on my shoulders, but all I could think about was Riley. I wondered what she was doing at that very moment. I sighed and sat on the ground as I tried to sort out my thoughts. I stilled as I heard footsteps approaching me.

“Thanks for agreeing to walk with me.” Channing’s voice sounded smarmy, and I frowned.

“No worries,” Riley replied, and I froze. What was she doing with him?

“You’re so pretty.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re single right?”

“Yes.”

No, I wanted to shout, she’s not single! She’s mine! But I just remained still and clenched my fists.

“Good, I’m single as well.”

“Oh nice.” Riley’s voice sounded uncertain, and I was annoyed at her. I didn’t know why she wasn’t shutting him down right away.

“We should go on a date when we get back.”

“Okay,” she replied, and it took everything I had to not run out and grab her.

“What do you like to do?”

“To do?”

“On dates?”

“Oh, lots of stuff.”

“Do you like riding?” Channing’s voice was soft, and I felt my blood boiling.

“Riding?” Riley sounded confused.

“Yeah, I love girls that love to ride,” Channing laughed, and I stood up, ready to go and hit him.

“I can’t say I’ve ever been. I’ve never really been around horses,” she replied, and I smiled.

“Do you like dogs?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I love doggie style.”

“Excuse me?” Her voice rose and I could hear the shock in her tone.

“I’m joking,” Channing replied smoothly, and I knew that he was trying to play it smooth.

I wasn’t sure if he really liked her or if he was playing with her to try to get to me, but I knew that there was no way I was going to let him sleep next to her tonight. I knew he would try and pull something. I didn’t trust him at all and I wasn’t going to just wait to see what happened.

I waited until they had walked some more and then I ran back to the camp. Most of the other guys were sitting around drinking beers. I walked over to the bags, quickly grabbed Riley’s sleeping bag, and ran off. I ran deep into the woods and threw it behind some rocks before running back.