“I want to see.” I nodded. “I have to see. I’m writing an article.”

“Yeah.” He looked at my pad and paper. “I forgot about that.”

We turned back to the fight and I tried not to squirm in my seat as Hudson and Channing faced off. So far neither one of them had made the first move, and the tension was high in the air. We were all waiting to see what happened.

I sat there with my hand over my mouth. I wanted to scream, but nothing had happened yet. I was scared for Hudson. I was scared for myself. A horrible feeling was building up in my stomach and there was a ringing in my ears. My entire body was still in tension.

And then it happened. It seemed like everything was occurring in slow motion. I watched Channing’s right hook connect with Hudson’s jaw. The crack was heard throughout the room, and I heard everyone gasp. Hudson tried to hit Channing back, but Channing blocked him easily. I watched as Channing hit him again and blood squirted out of Hudson’s nose. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him getting hit.

“Oh fuck.” Justin’s exclamation made me open my eyes again. I watched as Channing held Hudson in a choke hold, squeezing down on Hudson’s neck.

“Stop.” I screamed. “You can’t do that.” I cried out, but no one paid any attention to me. Channing punched Hudson in the face again and then went crashing down to the floor. He jumped up, kicking Hudson in the ribs, and then fell on top of him. The whole room went silent as we heard a loud crack.

“He’s not moving!” someone screamed, and I watched as Channing stood up, staring at the ground in shock.

“He’s gone and broken his neck!” someone else shouted.

Suddenly there was commotion in the room as everyone struggled to look at Hudson’s unmoving body on the mats.

“He’s killed him.” Justin’s eyes were wide with shock as he stared at me. I could hear in his tone that he was about to break down.

I stared at him and then looked at Hudson again. I started to feel like the world was spinning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I watched as a guy jumped on the mats.

“I’m an EMT!” he shouted and kneeled down next to Hudson. “He’s not breathing!” he shouted out. “Someone call 911!”

I stared at Justin in shock, and then I fainted.

Hudson

Present Day

“Welcome,” a sweet soft voice whispered to me.

I couldn’t see her face or locate her in the darkness, but I was grateful for the sound. I was happy that I was surrounded by angels. I hadn’t been sure what was going to greet me when I crossed over.

They say that when you die, all your memories flash before your eyes. You see your life in a dream sequence so you can remember the people you’ve lost and the people you’ve loved. All I could think about was Riley. In the darkness, it was her face that kept me warm. I died happy—well, as happy as I could be. I died with the knowledge that Riley loved me. I wasn’t mad that I died right when all my dreams were about to come true. It was karma or kismet, as some people would say. One death begets a death. It was my fault that Clara was dead, and now I was dead. It was how it should be.

I remembered what my pastor had said in church once. He’d said that when a person died, the breath of life departs from the body and the soul no longer existed. He said that death was like a long, deep slumber. And that we’d have to wait until Jesus came back and then the good would go to heaven and the bad would go to hell. His words had scared me to death.

Could you imagine just waiting to be awoken, not knowing if you were going to an eternal lifetime of love and hope or if you were going to be burning in the pits of hell? Now that I was dead, it didn’t seem so bad.

I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. And all I could think about was Riley—her beautiful brown eyes, her long silky hair, the way she smiled at me when she saw me, the way she touched me so softly, the way she moaned when I kissed her. I could remember every last moment I’d spent with her. I couldn’t stop the guilt though. It stayed with me, even in death. And a part of me felt uneasy.

A part of me wondered if she would have still loved me if she’d known the truth. I thought back to that last night in Englewood. Clara had started drinking at lunchtime. She’d been texting back and forth with someone fervently, and all I could think about was how sad I’d been at not knowing when I’d see Riley again. We’d argued a little bit. Clara had told me that she could cheat on me just as much as I could cheat on her. I’d ignored her talk since it was the alcohol talking.

I hadn’t cheated on her physically, though mentally she was far from my mind. She’d gotten drunker at dinner, telling me I wasn’t really a man. That even Luke thought she could find someone better. I’d rolled my eyes and thought about how I could get Riley alone.

When she had gone to lie done, I’d felt exhilarated. I tucked her in with the flask and I knew it was over. She knew as well. And I didn’t feel guilty because she had been too busy texting back and forth. I didn’t know who she’d been talking to, but whoever it was seemed to make her happy because she laughed every time she got a new text.

I went to the beach with Riley, feeling like I was on top of the world. Everything was going right. And when we made love, I felt my heart overflowing with happiness and joy. But then my phone had started beeping. I pretended to ignore it, but I knew that it was bothering Riley as well. I watched her checking the phone but pretended to kiss her shoulder. I watched her as she read the messages and then deleted them. I saw the messages from Clara asking me to come and get her, but I ignored them.

In fact, seeing Riley delete the messages had made me happy. I was sick in the head, but they made me feel like she really loved me. I’d thought to myself, How cute. She’s jealous so she’s deleting the messages. I didn’t even consider going to pick Clara up.

And then we made it home and the police told us that Clara had been in a car accident. Clara had died and it was all my fault. I’d betrayed her and let her down in all the worst ways. Yet, Riley still had faith and love for me. She thought that I was still a stand-up guy.

Her words kept playing in my head. “If you knew she needed you...” and “If you’d seen the messages, you would have gone.” How could I have told her that I had seen the messages and I had known that Clara had needed me? How could I have broken her heart and my own in the process?

I’d thought I'd have more regrets when I died, but I didn’t. I thought it's because I’d died an honorable death. I hadn’t fought back. I didn't go dirty when I realized that Channing was going to go dirty. To be fair, I'd known before the fight had started that he was going to fight dirty. I’d thought he was going to knife me up, so I’d brought a small pocket knife with me as well. However, my plans had changed when Riley asked me to fight clean. I’d known in that moment that I would do what she’d asked. I’d wanted her to know that at least once I'd tried to think of someone else before myself.

I'd seen the look of surprise in Channing's eyes as he hit me, and I’d kneed him in the groin. “Pussy,” he had whispered in my ear as he'd choked me. “You're going to lose for some pussy.” His voice had been full of venom and I'd felt sorry for him. If that was all he saw when he looked at Riley, then he must have had a very sorry life. How anyone could look at her and not be taken by her beauty and kind smile was beyond me. Only someone very jaded could see Riley and only think of pussy.

Though, I'd be lying if I said that one of my regrets was not getting to spend more time with her in bed. It was as if our bodies had been made for each other. My favorite memories were of us kissing and making love. If I thought about it hard enough, I could almost experience the same thoughts and feelings I’d felt when I entered her. All I had to do was think very hard.