Once I tucked her into bed and made sure that she could sleep without throwing up, I walked back up to my suite and called Claire.

“Hello?” She picked up on the third ring.

“Hello, Claire.”

“Um...Hi.” She sounded surprised. “How’s your conference going?”

“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been paying attention. How are things back at corporate?”

“Pretty great. There was a memo from the CEO today about the parking zones being permanently terminated. Everyone here is pretty excited since he’s finally pulled his head out of his ass.”

I laughed. “Do you practice insulting people or are you naturally good at it?”

“I practice five hours a day.”

“Time very well spent. About dinner this Saturday night—”

“What about it?”

“What do I have to do to get you to say yes?”

She sighed. “Agree to let me pay for my own dinner.”

“And why would I do that?”

“Because it sets boundaries between us and it won’t feel like a date.”

“It is a date.”

“Well, it shouldn’t be. I know you changed the company policy on dating, but us hanging out outside of the office is wrong, regardless of if you think so or not.”

“So you want me to fire you?”

“What! No, I don’t want you to—”

“Because I will, if that’s what it takes.”

She sighed. “Will you just let me pay for my own dinner?”

No...“Sure, Claire. I can let you do that. I made us a reservation at Michael Mina for eight o’ clock. Am I allowed to come pick you up or is that out of the question as well?”

“I’ll meet you there. I know where that is.”

Of course...

“Well, I’m looking forward to it. Have you come across any good campaign ideas yet?”

“Yeah.” There was a rustling of papers in the background. “Roses are red, sPhones are blue. I’m going to buy one and so should you.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“No, that was a real idea. It’s about to find a home at the bottom of my trashcan.”

“Great decision.”

She cleared her throat. “So, I take it that your conference is about—”

“I don’t want to talk about work, Claire. And I’m sure you don’t either. Let’s talk about you.”

She was quiet for a few seconds. “Okay...What do you want to know?”

“Tell me what you like to do in your free time.”

For hours, I listened to her talk about her favorite hobbies—dissecting interior design magazines, studying bridge architecture, running, and reading books. It was quite refreshing to talk to someone whose point of reference didn’t revolve around celebrity culture or the latest reality TV show.

While she was in the middle of explaining her dreams of running a marathon, I heard her yawn and looked at my watch. Five o’clock.

“I guess we should call it a night...I didn’t realize it was getting so late.” I lay back on my bed. “You know, you can call me whenever I cross your mind too.”

“Well, if that ever happens I’ll do that. Goodbye, Jonathan.”

“Goodbye, Claire.”

I knew she wasn’t going to call me, so for the rest of the week I called her when I was done with all my meetings. I kept things simple and steered clear of asking any personal questions; I had the feeling she wouldn’t be too receptive to that.

When my plane landed back in San Francisco on Saturday afternoon, I sent her a text: “Michael Mina’s @ 8:00. 252 California St. Just in case you “don’t” know where that is. See you there.”

“Wait a minute,” Corey said, laughing. “What do you mean she stood you up?”

“I don’t think there’s any other way to say it. She. Stood. Me. Up.” I rolled my eyes.

“I thought you said she seemed mature.”

“She is, she’s just...” This doesn’t make any sense...

“Welp. Oh well. Do you want to go over the Sorrento account today? Their camera software is worth investing in and we could use the upgrade.”

“Later.” I sighed. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”

“Bottom of what? Bottom of—Do you know you’re talking about a woman who has A) told you you’re way too young for her, B) admitted that she has two sixteen year old daughters—daughters, plural! And C) stood you up last night? Do you realize any of that?”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t make sense. We talked all week. She didn’t call or text me to let me know she wasn’t coming.”

“I think she’s trying to show you that she’s not interested in you. She probably thought standing you up would help you see that since you keep ignoring what she says.”

I didn’t believe that. I’d felt how she reacted to me on the dance floor on her birthday, seen the way she looked at me when we were out running, and heard the way her voice hitched whenever I called her on the phone.

I could admit that she was good at playing nonchalant and being a smart-mouth—and she’d definitely mastered the poker face, but she wasn’t pretending to act like she was affected by me.

“Whenever you want to focus on what’s really important, i.e. this Sorrento account, feel free to call me back.” Corey hung up.

“Sir?” My driver pulled over and turned his head around. “They’re not allowing cars to go any further.”

“Thanks, Greg.” I stepped out of the car and looked at all the activity that was surrounding the Oasis Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Center.

There were the usual yellow and blue balloons, the white coated doctors greeting guests from the doors, and the “purity waterfall” which stood out front spewing red colored water; my mom had told me the red signified something, but I forgot what it was.

I’d spent yet another fifty thousand dollars for her to get treatment for her drug addiction, and I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time.

I walked inside and took a seat near the back of the auditorium, watching the same exact ceremony I’d seen eleven months ago.

I watched my mom smile as she took the completion certificate from the head doctor on stage, watched her recite the “Today Begins My New Life” poem, and watched her eyes light up with the same self-promises she’d made several times before.

At one point, the head doctor asked the audience to stand and recite the “Supporters Pledge,” but as I mouthed the familiar words, an image of Claire ran across my mind.

I wanted to know why the hell she’d stood me up, why the hell she didn’t even think to call and cancel. I thought about calling to ask her why, but I decided against it; I wasn’t the “call and ask” type.

All of sudden, I heard the “reformed” patients singing the final “Now My Life Begins” song and realized the ceremony was over.

“Thank you so much for coming, sweetheart!” My mom rushed over and gave me a hug. “I think this was it! I think I finally get it now!”

I hugged her back. “I hope so.”

“No Audrey? Where’s your girlfriend?”

“We broke up a long time ago.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry...You’re not dating anyone else?”

“No.” Even if I was, I wouldn’t have told her. I didn’t need to open up to her right away, and I didn’t want to pretend like she was a real part of my life.

She looked saddened. “Well, whenever that day comes, can I meet her?”

Never... “Sure.”

“I meant what I said about changing, Jonathan. I want us to meet up at least once a week. I need you to help me stay on track for a while.”

“Good idea.” I tried to sound convinced. “Let’s get lunch before we get you into your new condo. I bought you one with two levels just like you asked.”

January 19, 2013

Dear Journal,

Today I learned that there is a distinct difference between “forgiveness” and “stupidity.”

Forgiveness is what happens when you can honestly move past something and let it go. Stupidity is what happens when you tell someone “I forgive you” (because it’s the “right thing” to do), but you secretly hope they drop dead right in front of you and tumble into the seventh circle of hell.