Also by Tara Sivec
~ Seduction and Snacks (Chocolate Lovers #1) Futures and Frosting (Chocolate Lovers #2)
Troubles and Treats A Silly Journey through a Sticky Situation
Book #3 in the Chocolate Lovers Series
by Tara Sivec
Copyright © November 2012 Tara Sivec
ISBN-13: 978-1480186125
ISBN – 10: 1480186120
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.
License Notice
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be resold or given away to other people. If you wish to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Disclaimer
This is a work of adult fiction. The author does not endorse or condone any of the behavior enclosed within. The subject matter is not appropriate for minors. Please note this novel contains profanity, explicit sexual situations, and alcohol consumption.
Acknowledgements
To my editor Maxann Dobson – I love you like a sister and I’m so glad you are taking this crazy journey with me. Thank you for not stabbing me for my Back to the Future tenses.
Thank you to Madison Seidler for being the best beta reader ever and for “rape me”. You are a wonderful friend and I’m so glad I know you.
Thank you to Catherine for the salmon J.
Thank you to Stephanie for teaching me all the things I never wanted to know about waxing.
Big, huge thank you to my wonderful Street Team. Thank you for loving these books and not being afraid to tell the homeless man and the hooker on the corner about them.
Last but not least, thank you so much to all of the blogs who have reviewed, recommended, and supported these books. Your Facebook posts, blog posts, Tweets and everything else you do is amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you’ve done for me.
This one is for the fans. You picked up a book from a no-name author and you loved it and shared it with the world. For that, I will be forever grateful.
Contents
1. You Ruined My Pens!
2. Negative, Ghost Rider
3. Baste in the Glory
4. Downwind Lapping Dog
5. Could it be…SATAN?!
6. Liquid Courage
7. Fake it Till You Make it
8. The Great Swami
9. Great Head
10. Mace, Tasers and Giant Testicles
11. Womb Hugging and Penis Loving
12. Baby Bullets
13. Hiney Duck Hiss
14. Racers, Take Your Mark
15. Dr. Duke of Earl
16. VAGINA!
17. Jackson
18. Vanilla Sex
19. Brazilians and FUPAs
20. Who’s on Goal, What’s on Basket?
21. Spoop
22. I Wanna Strawberry Laid!
23. Zombie Apocalypse
24. I Love Your Mom’s Clam
25. Drop and Give me Fifty
26. The Newlywed Game
27. Irish Car Bombs
28. Peeping Ghost
29. Vagina Skittles
Epilogue
Chapter 1 – You Ruined My Pens!
Candles – check.
Flowers – check.
Deodorant – shit. Did I remember deodorant?
Raising my arm above my head and taking a whiff, I find I am all good. Nothing left to do but wait for Jenny to get home from her night out with the girls. Ever since our son Billy was born three months ago, Claire and Liz have to force Jenny to leave the house every few weeks so she can go out and have a few drinks with them. I love my wife to death, but getting her to leave our kids for a few hours every once in a while is like pulling my dick.
Okay, not the best analogy since I’ve made dick-pulling into an art form. Think of something really hard (HA! That’s what she said!) to pull and there you have it.
Taffy? Is taffy hard to pull? Dat laffy taffy, shake dat laffy taffy…What a good song!
Jenny had almost canceled tonight’s outing too—which I absolutely could not let happen. I have a surprise planned and for it to work, she needs to be far away from the house for a few hours.
It had taken me an hour of me begging and pleading for her to agree to go and enjoy herself, followed by thirty minutes of her locking herself in our room, crying because she thought I was sick of her and just wanted to get rid of her, which made me wonder for the hundredth time: where the fuck did my fun, outrageous, sexaholic wife go?
Gone are the days of pulling over on the way home from dinner to bang in the back seat of the car. Vanished into thin air are the nights of putting anal ease on my junk to see if I could still feel my orgasm. I couldn’t, by the way. Jenny also couldn’t feel her tongue or her lips for eight hours. Don’t try this at home, kids.
In fact, gone are the days of having sex at all. I have resorted to jerking off alone in the bathroom after my wife’s asleep. It’s a sad, lonely existence when you have to take your cell phone into the shitter so you don’t wake your wife when you pull up the YouPorn app and crank one out. The worst part is the SpongeBob SquarePants shower curtain in the bathroom. Do you know how difficult it is to keep an erection while SpongeBob is staring at you with his big, googly eyes and you keep hearing the song “Jellyfishin’, Jellyfishin’, Jellyfishin’” in your head?
Okay, it’s not that hard (yeah it is!), but still. It’s the principal of the thing. Every night for the past year I've hunched over the toilet bowl with my cell phone in my hand, furiously yanking my wank and hoping I don’t drop my phone into the water. Which only happened once, thank God. And you’ll be happy to know porn still keeps playing under the water. It’s a bit fuzzy and the sounds of “Ooooooh, fuck me harder!” sound more like, “Mwaaaa, mwaaa, mwaaaaagurgle!”
When our daughter Veronica was born three years ago, Jenny’s already remarkable libido shot through the roof. It was like a dream come true. We had sex in the morning, for brunch at lunch, at night for a midnight snack, on the baby’s changing table, in a Walmart bathroom, in three neighbors' pools and one neighbor’s hot tub, and one really strange night that involved the jungle gym at the park, a free range chicken, and sparklers.
Jenny had been insatiable, and I actually wondered if my dick would fall off from overuse.
I'll tell ya, though, what a way to go. “Oh man, did you hear about Drew? His dick fell off. Yeah, just separated from his body and plopped to the floor. He just got done having monkey sex with his wife on the roof of their house though, so it’s all good.”
I honestly don’t know what happened to make everything change. Billy had been a planned pregnancy so it’s not like the shock of her getting pregnant again put a bucket of cold water on her vagina. It's like the day the stick turned pink, her lady bits put up a giant “Out of Business” sign.
Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina.
I've tried everything. I've whispered sweet nothings in her ear like, “My penis misses your vagina,” and “I heard a rumor that your love canal misses my jizz.” Nothing. I know, I can’t believe it either.