“Claire has never been to a sex toy shop,” Jenny informs him.

“Wait, I’m confused.  Liz owns a sex toy shop, and it’s right next door to Claire’s,” Drew tells her, turning his attention on me.  “Dude, you’ve never walked over to the shop that’s connected to yours?  That’s a little weird.”

“Of course I’ve been to Liz’s store.  I’ve just never been to any other store.  And I don’t really think her store counts since it’s not like it’s full of sex toys right out in front,” I explain.

“True. My store is like a mullet.  Business in the front, party in the back,” Liz states.

“Or like anal,” Drew says with a laugh.

Everyone stares at him.

“What?  It’s totally like anal.  Business in the front, party in the back.  Hello?  Why is that not funny?”

Jenny pats his arm for comfort and we all resume our discussion.

“If you guys will remember, I never even owned a vibrator until Liz conned me into doing one of her at-home parties,” I remind them.

“Ahhhh yes, the infamous dinner where we talked about your vagina and sex toys all night long,” Jim says with a laugh.

That night still goes down in history as one of the most mortifying nights of my life.  It had been the night after I saw Carter again for the first time since our one-night-stand.  I walked into Liz and Jim’s house, talking nonsense about my vagina and how I’d never had an orgasm with another human being when I turned around and saw Carter and Drew sitting on the couch listening to every word.  Jim met them earlier in the day and unbeknownst to Liz or I, invited them over for dinner.  The rest of the night had been spent discussing how many sex toys I received at the party earlier that evening and the fact I only had sex one and a half times in my life.

“Anyway,” I say with a glare to Jim, bringing the conversation back around.  “No, I’ve never been inside a real, live sex toy store.”

Drew pushes his chair back and stands up, placing his hands on his hips.

“Grab your keys, folks. We’re going to pop Claire’s toy store cherry!”

Everyone pays their bills and Liz announces to the guys that the girls need some alone time.  The men all pile into Drew’s car and Jenny and I get into Liz’s car to head to the Adult Mart a few towns over.

“Okay, spill it bitch.  What’s going on with you?” Liz asks as she pulls out of the parking lot and follows Drew’s car.

That’s all it takes for the dam to break.  I immediately start crying.

God dammit, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Jenny leans forward from the back seat and hands me a kleenex.  I take it and blow my nose, taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

“I don’t think Carter wants to marry me,” I say between sniffles.

“Whoa, wait a minute.  Did he say that to you?  I will kick his fucking ass,” Liz threatens as she turns on her blinker and gets onto the ramp for the highway.

“No!  No, he didn’t say those exact words.  It’s just little things that have happened the past few weeks,” I tell her.

“Okay, what little things?  And why is this news to me that you even care about getting married?  You have always been a staunch supporter of living in sin because of your parents.  Why the sudden change of heart?”

This is where I feel stupid.  Does it sound dumb that my change of heart came from being jealous of her and Jim?  That seeing them so happy and pledging their love to one another has made me realize how much I want that for myself?

“I know that’s what I’ve always said, and I guess part of me really believed that.  I mean come on, my parents don’t exactly have the best track record.  What makes me think I would be any good at that kind of thing?” I ask.

“Sweetie, no one knows if they will be good at that kind of thing.  It’s not like you’re born with a marriage gene.  It all just depends on the person you’re with.  If you can look at that person and know without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life kissing them goodnight and waking up next to them, marriage is for you,” she tells me.

I start crying again and put my head in my hands.

“When I caught the bouquet at your reception, you should have seen the look of horror on Carter’s face.  He seriously looked petrified that the old wives’ tale would come true,” I explain as I wipe the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath.

Liz stares at me while we sit at a red light.

“What?” I ask.

“You mean that’s it?  That’s where all of this doubt and sadness is coming from?  He looked at you a little funny when you caught a bouquet at a wedding?  That doesn’t exactly scream ‘I hate marriage’ you know.  He could have just been a little surprised.  Did he actually say he was freaked out that you caught the bouquet?”

I huff and my sadness is immediately replaced with irritation.

“No, he didn’t come right out and say it, but I could tell.  And I don’t know, there’s been a bunch of other little things here and there.  He was all weird at your rehearsal dinner, smacking the champagne out of my hand and he’s made these comments about how he won’t be dragging me to the altar and how he’s glad he’ll never have to worry about asking my dad for permission because my dad still scares the shit out of him,” I tell her.

“Um, not to butt in here or anything, but do you think maybe he’s saying stuff like that because he knows how you feel about the whole subject?  Maybe he really does want to marry you but he doesn’t want to freak you out about the whole thing since you’ve made it clear your parents left a lasting impression on you in that area,” Jenny says from the back seat with a surprising amount of insight.

“Shockingly, I agree with Jenny.  Until you sit down and talk to him about this, you’re just going to keep jumping to conclusions and making yourself miserable.  I love you, Claire, but you’re acting like an asshole,” Liz says as she pulled into the Adult Mart parking lot.  “You know what happens when you assume things.”

I let out a sigh. “You make an ass out of you and me.”

She maneuvers the car into a spot right next to the guys and shuts off the car but makes no move to get out.

“No, you just make an ass out of you.  Me, I would never be this assy,” she replies.  “You love Carter and it is obvious how much he adores you.  Stop being a dick, man up, and talk to him.  Sit him down and tell him that you don’t really have a late night porn addiction but you’ve been secretly watching wedding shows and sneaking into the magazine aisle at the grocery store in sweats, slippers, sunglasses, and a trench coat to scan the bridal magazines like some deprived housewife needing a Playgirl fix,” Liz tells me firmly.

“Ooooh, I love Playgirl!” Jenny said.  “I have a prescription to it.  I learned how to deep throat while hanging my head off of the end of the bed last month.  You know how in the movie ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’ Steve Carell screams out Kelly Clarkson’s name when he’s getting waxed?  Drew screamed out Willie Nelson’s name when he came.  It was so hot.”

“Oh my God, Jenny. Too much information,” I tell her with a grimace as I cover my mouth with my hand and swallow back a little bit of vomit I burped up at the thought of that moment in time in Jenny and Drew’s bedroom.

“Hey, are you feeling okay?  You look a little green,” Liz states as we opened our car doors and step out into the night air.

I take a few deep breaths and will my stomach to calm and not bring up dinner.

“And what the hell was wrong with you tonight drinking pop at Lorenzo’s?  That’s like blasphemy,” Liz tells me as she clicks the automatic door lock on her keys and the car horn beeps once.  “You’re not pregnant are you?!”

She and Jenny start cackling with laughter as they walk ahead of me to meet up with the guys who stand holding the door to the store open for us.