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Mom wiped the sweat off her brow. "I know she'll be spending a whole week at Christmas, but that's going to be spent getting ready for the wedding . . ."

Rita entered the room in jeans and a t-shirt.

"Girls, change right this instant!"

As we walked upstairs Rita asked, "What did I miss?" I just shook my head. Happy thanksgiving to me. Rita could tell that I was a nervous wreck.

"Penny, it's going to be fine!' she said. "You've got to be the bigger person. You don't want him to have any power."

The Taylor's were going to arrive in less than an hour, and I still had no idea what I was going to say to Nate. to be honest, I didn't even know what I was going to feel like when I saw him. Angry? Sad? E-mails and texts were one thing, but what would I feel when I looked in his eyes? that was going to reveal a lot. I just hoped I would be able to stay strong. He wasn't going to get to me. I had moved on.

I went to my room and found the white halter top Diane had lent me after Homecoming, when she told me that I needed to accentuate "what your mama gave you." So I put that on with black-and-white pinstripe pants and black heels. I headed downstairs thinking that I looked a lot better . . . maybe a little too good for my father,

"Uh, is that top new, Penny Lane?" Dad aid, as he nervously looked at my outfit

"Oh, Dave, relax," Mom said "She's filled out nicely."

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the doorbell rang, and I tried to take a few deep breaths. Rita grabbed my hand and whispered, "Don't let him win."

Win? What was there to win? the door opened and there was an explosion of activity -- my parents embracing Mr. and Mrs. Taylor and exchanges of cheerful greetings.

Mrs. Taylor turned to me. "Oh, Penny, look at you!" She hugged me tightly. "Oh, sweetie, you look fantastic." She let go of me and I turned around.

And there he was. With a look on his face -- I couldn't tell whether it was shy or smug.

"Hey, Penny."

I opened my mouth and tried to say something, anything. But it was hard. I thought about what Diane had said about Ryan being in her life for so long. Here was Nate in front of me, Nate whom I had always known. I thought that maybe my last memory of him would drown out the others, but they didn't. Seeing each other was such a routine, and even though we'd always say "Hey, Penny" and "Hey, Nate "like it was no big deal, we usually said it like we shared a secret between us. Because we did. And now it was bigger than before.

I hated seeing him. I hated him being here. Because I hated what I was feeling. As much as I wanted to scream and run away, I could hardly breathe. I felt the same excitement that I would always feel when I saw him.

this was going to be harder than I had ever imagined.

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"Here." Rita shoved the Taylors' coats in my arms. "Penny will hang these up."

I gave Rita a grateful look as I darted to the closet. I spent more time than necessary hanging up the coats. the entire time I sensed Nate's eyes on my back. And I enjoyed it.

"So, what can I get you to drink?" I asked the second the last of the jackets was on a hanger.

"I've got it, sweetie." Dad began to take drink orders.

"No, Dad!' Rita protested. "Let me and Penny help."

I turned to head to the kitchen, when I felt a tug on my arm.

"Penny," Nate said as he enveloped me in a hug. "I missed you so much."

"Aww," Nate's mom cooed. "He's been talking about nothing but seeing you again, sweetie."

I just stood there with Nate's arms around me.

"Come on, Penny." Rita came over and Nate quickly loosened his grasp. "We've got to go to the kitchen." She turned to Nate. "You know, the room with all the sharp knives."

As he backed away, I examined him for the first time since he'd completely crushed me. And it was strange, because he wasn't the same as my memory of him. Had I not noticed before how flat his face was? And he had these tiny pale, lifeless eyes.

I was starting to breathe a little easier.

I hung out in the kitchen with Rita and Mom, helping to get ready while Mrs, Taylor grilled us with questions about school. Fortunately, the guys were downstairs watching the

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football game. it was the first time that this sexist tradition didn't bother me.

I went into the dining room to pour water in the glasses and noticed that Mom had put me right next to Nate. there was no way I would be able to avoid a conversation with him.

there wasn't enough time to switch places -- everyone was already coming in for dinner. As I grabbed a plate, I realized that Mom had certainly outdone herself this year with food, I could hardly fit everything on my plate the first go-round, although I did skip the cranberry sauce as I was afraid it would stain my shirt. the cranberry sauce and the to furkey. My parents weren't going to let tradition get in the way of their beliefs, so I'd gotten used to filling myself up on salad, mashed potatoes, wild rice, and sweet potatoes.

Nate followed me in line at the counter. He reached across me to grab a roll, then placed his other hand on the bare part of my back and moved his thumb back and forth. I stayed there, unable to move,

"I missed you," he murmured.

For a moment, I almost whispered back I missed you too. I was so used to this exchange between us. this time, I tried to refuse it. I'd spent months blocking out his touch, his words. I knew where this always led for him.

I couldn't force myself to look at him. I just walked back to the table.

Then, as we sat down, Nate took a long look at my chest.

And I thought, Watt a second.

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Mr. Taylor turned to me. "So, Penny, what's this Club of yours I keep hearing about?"

I almost choked on my mashed potatoes. How did he know about it?

Mrs. Taylor chimed in next. "Yes, your mother sent us the link to the article in the school paper." if Mom thought I was going to help her with the dishes, she had another thing coming. "It sounds like so much fun. I wish I had had something like that when I was your age!"

That meant Nate knew about the Club. I couldn't bear to look at his reaction. Instead, I smiled and cheerfully replied, "Yes, it's so much fun!"

I could feel my hand start to shake, I looked at Rita, who was giving me an encouraging smile.

"It's really great," she said, glaring at Nate. "Especially since you wouldn't believe the complete losers who've asked Penny out. She's much better off"

Mr. Taylor smiled and nodded. "Well, that's just great, Penny." the conversation shifted to politics. I couldn't resist looking at Nate. He was shoving food into his mouth. A speck of to furkey dangled from his chin.

This was the guy that I would dream about every summer? This was the guy who broke my heart? Him?

After dinner and dishes, I went upstairs to my room to call Tracy. Before I could dial, Nate knocked on my door and asked to come in.

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the thought of being alone with him made me a little sick, but I figured I couldn't keep ignoring him any longer.

He sat down on the corner of my bed. "Come here," he said, tapping the place next to him,

"No, thank you." I stayed at my desk.

Nate got up, "Aw, come on, Penny. I meant every word in my e-mails. You can't still be mad at me, can you?" He came over and placed his hands on my shoulders.

It used to be that his touch was all I wanted. it used to be that I would've happily spelled out my life in moments like this -- the two of us alone together, the two of us in secret. it used to be that my unwritten boyfriend list had only one name on it. it used to be that my love for him could make him beautiful no matter how he acted, no matter what he did.