“I do. I do belong to you,” I say, and I feel the thing I missed, the thing that I’m terribly withdrawn from. The tug, the pull, the flip in my stomach that takes away all the confusion, all the uncertainty, that coats it over with a feeling of blissful nothingness. There is no more aching, no more wondering, no more worry as Cam leans into me, inhaling me. I close my eyes as he smells my hair as if I’m his drug too. And I know he’s not the only one who’s high right now. I am too as the night turns hazy.

“Mmmm,” he says again, his voice a low moan this time.

When my eyes flutter open I take in the scene. Cam’s still there, lingering on me like I’m long line of cocaine and he’s taking me in grain of powder by grain of powder. There’s Tom, mixing a drink. There are men and women, coupling and uncoupling, along the length of the bar. There’s me on a plush, velvet stool I’ve perched on too many times to count.

I spot a woman at the other end of the bar. She’s with a guy and they’re wrapped up in each other. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, then kisses her gently on her jawline, and something, I don’t know what exactly, but something in the way he touches her – soft, tender, caring – tugs at me.

Reminding me.

Not of Cam.

Not of men.

But of one guy.

The one I kissed last night. The one who kissed me back like I was air, breath, and all the stars in the sky at once. Who tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

I clench my teeth. Force myself to look away. I don’t want to think of Trey right now. I don’t need him invading my brain and burrowing into my unknowable heart.

I want desperately to slip into my old clothes, my old comfort zone. I was fluent with Cam, I spoke our language like a native poet. Without him, without everything I was when I was Layla, I am clunking around without even a beginner’s dictionary.

But Trey’s with me now in my head. Telling me to be careful, ordering my triple espresso, checking in to make sure I’m okay. Asking if I made it through another dinner with my mom.

I am a rag doll yanked in one direction, then another, tossed and turned and twisted.

I don’t know which way to go. But the moment – the promise, the hit – isn’t quite as good as it was a minute ago. Because now I’m thinking of what’s beyond the door of Bliss. I’m thinking of Trey and SLAA and whether the arrow’s coming or going.

I place my hands on Cam’s chest and push him gently away. He’s flustered but he has this groggy sort of happy smile. His brain and body are still on other things.

“I should go, Cam,” I whisper.

“Don’t go,” he says in a soft whine, placing his hand on my thigh.

I shake my head. “It’s not you, Cam. I swear it’s not you.”

“Then don’t go. You make me feel like all the others when you go.”

“You were special. You are special,” I say, correcting myself. But the words come out flat now. Because now I’m here, now I’m present. I’m aware again, thinking again, catching myself again.

“Don’t leave me again.” Cam wraps his hand around my arm. His touch is both possessive and gentle. Demanding, yet caring. “I’ve got jobs for you. No one can work them like you. You could be a partner in my business. Help me recruit others. Train up a new crew of sexy schoolgirls. We’ll be in this together.”

“I don’t know,” I say in a half-hearted protest because I desperately crave what Cam offers me. He gives me the one thing I never had growing up. Control of love. Control of sex. Control of the men in my life.

But yet, there’s a traitorous part of my hardened heart that longs for what I felt that one night with Trey. For what I felt in those seconds in the courtyard last night. For the possibility of the other side.

“One more job then,” he says.

“Let me think about it,” I say because I don’t know which side of me is strong. Which side wants more. Which side will win.

Before Layla. After Layla.

“Let me know in a week.”

“Okay. One week.” I stand up to leave.

“Why are you going?”

“I have stuff to do,” I say, and now the pull is coming from outside Bliss. It’s coming from the other side, from the things I’ve had a glimpse of, a fleeting taste of beyond this bar. Things I don’t know if I’ll ever have.

Cam doesn’t like that pull. He feels it too, like gravity, me slipping out of his grasp.

“Stay, babydoll. Have another Diet Coke. Hang out with me. Talk to me. Tell me things. I want to know everything.”

“I have to go,” I say, my voice breaking, hurting, missing. I stand up, slinging my purse on my shoulder. My phone’s on silent, it can’t even vibrate, but I can sense it, red hot and boiling. It’s like an ankle bracelet on a criminal, a reminder not to cross a certain line. I give Cam a quick peck on the cheek, his forest scent filling my nostrils, a sensory reminder of the world he inhabits, the world he gave me. I feel a sliver of pain, like a phantom limb, shoot through me as I break the chaste kiss.

“A week though. You’ll let me know in a week, right?”

“I promise,” I say, then I leave, moving quickly past the other people, past the entryway, past Hugo as he says, “See you soon, Layla.”

“Sure,” I say and raise my hand to hail a cab. But Hugo puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles. He’s faster than me at hailing cabs. I turn back to him briefly and meet his eyes. “Thank you.”

I slide into my taxi, give the driver the address of my apartment, and practically rip open my purse. My hand dives down and I grab my phone. I missed two more calls from Trey and a few texts.

“Hi,” I say when he answers.

“Hey you. You okay?”

“Yes. No. Maybe.”

“Where are you?” he asks.

“In a cab.”

“Did you see Cam?”

I nod again. “How did you know?”

“Good guess. That, and it takes one to know one.”

I hold the phone closer, glad I’m not alone, glad that someone else — one person at least — understands. “Where are you?”

“Sitting on your steps waiting for you.”

Page 167…

Peter had a really small peter.

Ironic, huh?

And look, hey, it happens. Some guys are packing, some guys are lacking.

But that’s why he needed Cam’s services. My job was to prop him up, give him pep talks, encourage him about his size. I’d use my fake ID, meet him at a punk dive bar in the East Village, all run down and luring the goth crowds with plugs in their ears, and piercings in their noses. I think it made him feel dangerous, especially as screeching music with indecipherable lyrics echoed in the bar. He was probably a product manager or an accountant or something. He never told me, and I didn’t need to know. But he hired me to dirty talk him, to have a drink, and tell him how big he was.

“Have you ever seen a dick bigger than mine?”

“No,” I said, with wide eyes, and a firmness in my tone. As if it were even possible for a dick to be bigger than his.

“It’s huge, isn’t it?”

“You have the biggest dick I have ever seen. It’s huge, and thick, and absolutely massive.”

“Do you want to touch it?”

I’d shake my head coquettishly because Peter knew the rules. Peter played by the rules. Peter paid top dollar to follow those rules.

“But I want to watch you touch your huge dick,” I said.

Then I’d lead him into the ladies room that probably wasn’t any cleaner than the men’s room. The sink was dirty, the trash can overflowed with tissues and the tiny stall smelled of beer and piss. He’d jerk off, and I’d watch, telling him the whole time how monstrous his dick was. Honestly, I couldn’t even see it in his hand.

Poor Peter.

But I will say this, Cam told me he was one of the happiest guys he’d ever known. So maybe all Peter needed to feel good about himself was a pretty young thing stroking his ego, rather than his dick.