“Bishop!” Gary yells from behind me, but I ignore him.

Deep breaths. Calm the fuck down, B. You can’t lose it right now. The crowd is tight. No one wants to let me through, and I’m struggling to breathe. It’s like they’re a wall, fighting to keep me from her, so I start pushing bodies with everything I have in me.

My chest cinches tighter.

Deep breaths.

In. Out. In. Out.

I feel like I’ve downed a bunch of uppers. My insides are twitchy, like they want to bust out of my body. I can’t control any of it. Nothing. Me. The crowd. No control.

“Bishop!” Gary yells again.

I just need Penny. Need to get to Penny. There are too many people around me, in front of me, to see her.

Hands clawing at my skin. People grabbing me. Bishop! Burn! Bishop, burn! Don’t crack up! It’s not real.

Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths.

She’s not getting up. Why isn’t she getting up?

Finally, I push my way onto the ice. If I took the time, I might be able to breathe right now, but it’s not important. I’m slipping like crazy, but again, it doesn’t matter. A million years later, I get to the people blocking her.

They’re crowding around her. Give her room to breathe!

“Pen,” rushes out of my mouth when I get to her. Her mom is by her side, and she gives me another one of those evil looks. Right now? Fuck her. I don’t care. This is about Penny. Ben steps in front of me when I reach for her.

“Her mom doesn’t want you around her. Maybe you should back up.”

“And I’m pretty sure Penny wouldn’t want you around her.” I shove him aside and he falls to the ice. Someone yells, “Hey!” and a ton of hard stares come down on me. Burn, Bishop, Burn! Hands grabbing me.

They’re loading her onto a gurney.

“Penny.” I reach out and touch her hand. They took her gloves off so it’s just her skin, all soft. Her bones, all fragile. So fragile. Her eyelids flutter a few times, but her body’s still slack.

Ben grabs my shoulder. “Back up!”

I just want to make sure she’s okay. They should understand that. I need her to be okay. I shake him off. My finger is latched onto Penny’s. Her Mom is there again, breaking our contact, leaning over Penny. “What’s wrong? How bad is she hurt? Is she awake?” She can hate me later. Right now, I just need to know about Penny.

“Get out of the way,” she replies. Ben grabs for me, and I shove him again. People gasp all around me.

A coach grabs me this time. “We need you to get off the ice!”

Everyone is staring.

Mitch skates up and tries to grab my arm, but I jerk away. I can’t handle being touched right now.

“She’ll be okay, Bishop.”

I ignore him.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Sweat makes my eyes sting.

They’re wheeling Penny away.

Dizzy. I can’t believe I’m fucking dizzy right now. I feel like I could puke. Pass out. Fall down. Something. Everything is blurry. The crowd is both loud and muted at the same time. People are looking at me. Somehow, they’re transformed into a crowd at one of my shows. Waiting for me. Penny’s gone, and all I can think about is her. Gramps. Gramps isn’t here. He would be down on the ice if he was. Gramps has to know she’s hurt.

They’re not going to let me see her, but Gramps will make sure she’s okay for me. Get me in to see if she’s okay.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I start to run. The ice is slippery as hell. My heart feels like it might burst, but I keep going.

I’m out of the building and don’t even take the time to suck in a deep breath. I run for Bitty, pulling the keys out of my pocket as I go.

I slam the truck into first, the tires spinning as I peel out of the parking lot.

I almost run off the road three times, the tires slipping and sliding, but I just need to get home. Tell Gramps. Check on Penny. She’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.

The only reason I know I turned off the truck when I get home is I use the keys to unlock her house. “Gramps!”

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Don’t lose it right now. Not when it counts. She can do anything. She’s way better than me. I need to do this for her. “Gramps! She’s hurt. She needs you. We need you!”

Music is playing, but I can’t find him anywhere. My legs are shaking so bad I can hardly stand, but I push myself. Keep going. Have to keep going. “Gramps!”

I make it to the kitchen. I’m not breathing anymore. My heart isn’t beating, but somehow I make myself run to Gramps who’s lying on the floor, a pie teetering on the edge of the table.

“No! No, no, no! Fuck no!” I fall to the floor next to him. Grab him. Pull his head to my lap. My hands are shaking so hard I can’t even tell if there’s a pulse. Get it together. I need to get it together. Don’t fuck this up.

My chest is cracked open, everything inside me spilling out. Gramps. Penny. How can this be happening? “Wake up. Wake up, old man. Penny needs you.” I need you.

I shake him. Please wake up. I need him to wake up. I love you, too. Rocking. With his head in my lap, I rock. Look down at his beard. There’s grease on his face again. Crazy old man, always has grease on his face.

And then it’s wet, my tears hitting him the same way Mom’s hit me in the hospital.

“You’re doing good, son. We’ll get through this together. I’ll be there every step of the way.”

“You said we’d do it together. You said you’d be there. You have to be there.” More rocking. My head is blurry. The room is blurry. I just want it all to go away. Everything. It’s too much. Please be there. I need you. I can’t do it, Old Man.

Fighting, I try to stop shaking, to stop rocking, but I can’t. It’s taking me over, possessing me. Penny, Gramps…

“Bishop! What are you—oh shit.” Gary falls to the floor next to me. He’s on his phone. Yelling into it. Yelling at me. Pushing me out of the way so Gramps is flat on the floor. My brain tells my body to do something, but I’m frozen.

“Snap out of it, Bishop! I need your help!” Leaning over, he breathes into Gramps’s mouth. CPR. Gramps is gone. He loved me. He knew all about me and still loved me.

“Push on his chest. Snap the fuck out of it and help me!” he yells.

I’m screwing it up. Like always. Get it together! For once, I need to not mess something up. Fighting down everything else inside me, I find the spot in the center of his chest and start compressions.

Gary gives him more air. Gramps has no air. Gary’s breathing for him. I’m trying to start his heart when he’s always been able to do everything.

Over and over, we try to bring Gramps back to us. I’m on autopilot, no idea what I’m doing, but managing to do it. EMTs show up. Shove me out of the way. Give Gramps air. Push on his chest.

Gary’s pacing. Talking to an EMT. My legs are so weak I reach out so the table can hold me up, but I miss and almost crash to the floor.

I’m numb. More numb than I’ve ever been. I can’t feel anything. Don’t know if I’m breathing, but I know I need out. Out of the house. Out of my own skin. Out of everything.

Staggering, I stumble to my cabin. I have no idea how I get inside. With all the strength and anger inside me, I kick my drums until they topple down, smash my foot over and over into them. Pain shoots up my leg, but I don’t care. Penny is hurt. Gramps is gone. I know it. Know he’s not coming back. How can he leave me? Doesn’t he know I need him? How much Penny needs him? He was fine yesterday. Fine. We worked on the car, and laughed, and talked, and he told me we’d do this together. He made me believe. He made me feel strong.

More stumbling and then I make it to my room. I don’t know why I go there, what I want. Actually I know what I want, but I can’t have it. My foot catches on the chair, and I fall forward and let loose. Cries climb up my throat. My gut cramps. I wanted to save him. Couldn’t save him. He’s gone. Gone. Penny’s hurt, and I couldn’t save Gramps for her—for me. I’m losing it.