“I don’t think so, Chas. I’m just looking to chill right now. Got a lot going on with my family and stuff.”

She pulls her hand away, not looking hurt, but maybe a little annoyed.

“It’s just… I have a lot on my plate. I’m trying not to add anything more.” By the look on her face, I’m pretty sure that just came out all wrong. “Not that you’d be ‘on my plate’ but you know what I mean.” Hopefully, because I sure don’t. All this girl wants is to have a good time with me. It makes no sense for me to say no to that.

“You and Ted will get back together in no time.”

“I hope so…” She mumbles, and for the first time, I wonder if there is more to Chastity than I thought.

“We can all hang out, though. I’m just not into hanging out, hanging out.”

“You have it really bad for someone, don’t you?”

I scoff at that, but it makes me a little uncomfortable too. “No.”

She laughs at me. “Whatever, Dylan. I swear, I will never understand boys.”

“Yeah, me either.” I don’t understand myself or the opposite sex. I’m wondering if there’s anything I really do know.

***

It’s decided that I’m skipping school on Tuesday, and we’re doing something for fun before Derrick and Lora’s friends go back to Boulder. It’s not like I’m going to argue with skipping school, but I have to admit I’m pretty sketched out about seeing Ziah.

This girl is turning me into knots. I’m tripping out on what it’s going to be like just to hang out with her after I bared my friggin’ soul, and then she got drunk and asked me to kiss her. Totally not a friend thing to do, so can we still just be friends? I’m hoping so because I like hanging out with her way more than I thought I would.

Ziah’s face gets all scrunched up as I step up and say hi at the beginning of the paintball course. I’m stoked this is what they chose for us to do.

“What’s with you?” I ask as I nudge her with my elbow.

“Just…” Her cheeks pink and then red. “The other night. When you dropped me off… I just…”

Oh. She’s totally nervous about the other night. That kind of makes me feel better since I was too. I laugh. “No worries, Hanes. Happens to the best of us. How was your hangover?”

“Hangover makes it sound like it takes less than a day to wear off. And it definitely didn’t.” She shakes her head, obviously still embarrassed about the whole thing. “No more drinking for Ziah.”

“Well, if you ever decide to drink again, stick with me. You gotta find the happy buzz, and—”

“Alright!” Derrick interrupts. “We’re breaking up into boy/girl teams.”

“I call Lora!” I raise my hand to give my brother crap. It’s not like he’s letting Lora on any team but his.

“Haha. When did you turn into a comedian?” He puts his arm around her.

I grab Ziah and pull her to my side. We’re supposed to be friends, so that’s what I’m doing. “That’s okay. Ziah’s tougher anyway.”

Derrick just rolls his eyes. Paul pairs up with Mardie and Sam with Karissa. Ziah’s wearing camo, which is pretty freaking cool, and as soon as Derrick says go, each group of two takes off into a different area of the course.

“Come on.” I’m holding her hand as we run. We take up behind a big wall, both of us panting hard.

“Karissa was scared to death to do this. I say we go for them first,” Ziah tells me.

“Good looking out.” There’s a hole in the wall, so I look through it. “They’re by the tree on the left. Wanna go for it?”

“Absolutely.”

We make a run for it, and then hide behind another wall. I point, and she immediately catches what I’m saying. We each head around different sides to close in on Karissa and Sam. Ten seconds later, we take them out. Karissa screams like crazy, but looks way too happy about being done.

“If I know Paul, he’s coming for us.”

Ziah smiles. “We got this.”

When Paul jumps out from behind a mock-building, I shoot him. Ziah’s aim is awesome, and she gets Mardie.

“Hell, yeah!” I hold up my hand, and she gives me five.

Right then Derrick jumps out. I shoot at him and miss. He takes off again, hiding.

“I think Lora went first,” Ziah tells me.

“Attack or retreat?”

She raises her eyebrows, and I don’t need her to reply. “Attack,” we say at the same time. And we do. It takes a lot longer to get Lora and Derrick than it did the others, but eventually we take them out, too.

When they both have red pain splattered across their chests, I collapse to the ground. Ziah is right next to me. We’re both breathing hard.

“That was awesome.” As soon as the words clear her mouth she starts laughing.

I can’t help but laugh, too. I don’t let myself question why I told Chastity no or what’s going on. It’s not about how hot she is or how good it feels to kiss her. She’s just cool as hell, and I like hanging out with her.

***

I am so lame. Seriously, I would make fun of myself if it didn’t make me even lamer.

I knew I liked Ziah. That I enjoyed kissing her, and that I told Chastity no probably because of Ziah. But somehow, just laughing with her on the paintball course, and how well we work together is the last straw that makes me know I’m in over my head.

I can’t stop thinking about her, and I both want to stop and don’t at the same time. I’m not sure when I turned into that guy—the one who’s scared to move forward, but doesn’t want to back up either.

It sucks.

Derrick trusts Lora, but it’s like a roadblock I can’t get past. I’ve tried. And Dad can’t either, which is why I’m sitting outside his building like an idiot.

It’s one of my favorite places to come and draw. The noise of the city somehow settles me. On any given day, I have my choice of a million different pictures to capture. They’re never the same, except his building. The constant in the ever-changing picture of the city.

Putting pencil to paper, I start with the outline of the structure in front of me. The windows, the glass. I know exactly which one is Dad’s office, where I’m sure he’s working like crazy, even more distracted than usual. But at least I feel close to him here. This place is my dad.

Soon the building has eyes, familiar eyes. And a smile and hair. Like I said, totally lame.

“Dyl, what are you doing here?” I turn to see my dad walking across the grass toward me.

It’s actually a sunny day. He looks tired, or maybe a little nervous to see me. He’s been out even more than usual lately.

“Nothing. Thought I’d see what you’re up to.” I close my sketch book.

“Just working. Thought I’d take a little break and saw you out here.” He rubs the back of his neck.

I don’t reply. I’m not sure how. Something is off… different. He fills in my silence.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, are you okay with everything? Derrick, the wedding? I know… I know you took it hard. Derrick’s a smart kid, though.”

And this is my opening. If I can take it. “What if he’s not?”

Dad sighs, looking at the ground, a tree, anything but me.

“I really screwed up with you, didn’t I, son? Because your mother… that doesn’t mean it will go the same for Derrick. That doesn’t mean you boys shouldn’t live your lives. That you shouldn’t ever take that step. All relationships don’t end the way mine and your mom’s did.”

Then I’m rubbing my neck, too. “Why don’t you live your life, then? Why didn’t you ever move on?”

Do you still believe in love? Is it worth the risk?

Whoa. Love? That came out of nowhere.

Dad sits on the ground in his suit next to me. This isn’t my dad. He’s not a suit-in-the-grass kind of guy.

“Because I’m stupid? Weak? I’m not sure, Dylan. But I can tell you it’s lonely. Without you boys, I don’t know what I’d do.”

I hear his voice crack. My dad, who showed how broken he was when she left but now never shows emotion, is giving me a glimpse of his pain.  I’m not sure I want to be like that.