Yet it had become progressively easier to keep up his role as Finn. It was sick, he knew that, but…. He didn't know how to get out of it. She had to see what was going on, didn't she? On some level? She easily accepted that Finn couldn’t call. Way too easily. She wanted to believe in him. That had to be it. It’s why she never pushed harder for him to get to a phone. But half the time, Matt himself forgot that this online thing wasn't real, because they both got so totally caught up in the increasing number of e-mails and chats that it felt like nothing else mattered. The feelings they were having were real. The context of the charade allowed for that. Being able to feel what he did for Julie, even in private, was addictive.

He didn't want to have to give that up. Not yet.

He would do it, though, if he could. If there would be no repercussions for Celeste, and for Erin, he would give this up and let Julie hate him. As she probably should.

Julie—

I hope this message goes through. I keep falling off the network here. Thinking about you too and miss you. (Is that weird? How can I miss you? But I do.)

I'm not going to make it to Boston this month. I'll explain later. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.

Glad you're still awake because I have a surprise for you. I know it won't make up for my not being there, but it's all I could think to do:

Go into the living room.

—Finn

This was it. She would come downstairs and laugh. He felt rotten about the e-mail because he knew that he'd just broken her heart a little by telling her that Finn wouldn't be home this month, but he was hoping that this Christmas thing he set up would help. He just had to buy some more time until… until… well, he wasn't exactly sure. Matt didn't want her upset. He knew that there wasn't any chance in hell that she could shift her feelings for who she thought was Finn over to him. The way Matt behaved with her online was so different from the way he could bring himself to do in person. And he’d promised Erin.

Matt looked at the tree. It really was quite spectacular. Then he frowned. He’d missed two of the candles near the top, so he got on the step stool again to light them.

“It's beautiful.”

Julie's voice startled him and he almost lost his balance. “God, Julie. You scared me to death!”

She laughed. “I'm sorry. I just got a message from Finn, and he told me to come down here.” She walked forward and lightly touched one of the branches. “It looks amazing.”

Matt lit the last candle and stepped down. “Don't blame me if the house catches fire. This is all Finn's idea. He said it would make you happy?”

“It does make me happy. You did all this for me? I mean, Finn asked you to do this?”

Matt stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at the ceiling of lights. “He sent me a list of instructions and included detailed threats of bodily harm if I didn't follow his demands to the letter. I think I got it all.” Matt moved to the coffee table. He glanced at the laptop's screen and shut the lid, hiding his e-mails to and from Julie. That had been careless of him. Maybe he wanted to get caught? “Yes, okay. Now we're supposed to lie under the tree. That does not sound traditional, but he said you would understand?” Matt looked doubtfully at her. He didn't understand the appeal of this concept, but it sounded important to her.

“I do understand. Come on!” She grabbed Matt's hand and pulled him to the floor with her. “I do this every year. You’ll like it.”

“Finn owes me,” he muttered as he followed Julie and lay on his back to slide under the lower branches. Right now he felt like an unwilling participant in someone else's scheme, and the touch of her hand made him edgy because it felt too good. “Ow! If I lose an eye for this, I expect a massively expensive Christmas present from you both to compensate me for my troubles. Like a bedazzled eye patch or something.”

“You have to go slow, silly. Don’t fling yourself into the tree. Ease your way underneath. There. See?”

Matt scooted himself under the tree next to Julie, and instantly he could feel the shift. In himself, in reality… maybe even between them. The rest of the room disappeared, and there was just the two of them alone beneath the dance of the candlelight. There was no outside world anymore, because under the tree they were shielded from everything. It was beautiful. Beautiful and terrifying.

Matt took a deep breath and tried to relax. “Actually, this is sort of…nice,” he said.

She turned to him. “I've never done this with anyone before. It's always just me.”

“Oh. I thought I was supposed to stay here and do whatever it is we're supposed to do under the tree. Do you want me to go?” Matt started to slide out.

“No, stay!” She stopped him. “I like the company.”

Matt smiled. He was glad that she wanted him here. “Okay. So what do we do?”

“We think about profound things.”

“Ah. Philosophical ponderings and questions? I'll go first. Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.”

“Very funny.”

“Am I in a computer simulation? Does the door swing both ways? How can something come from nothing? How do you know a line is straight?”

“Matt, stop it!” Julie laughed.

He enjoyed hearing her laugh, and he wanted to do whatever he could to keep her smiling and happy. She was adorable, and silly, and above everything, she was his friend. “If animals wanted to be eaten, would it be okay? If time stopped then started again, would we even know about it? What happens when you get scared half to death twice? What is creationism? What is ethical?”

“What is driving me crazy?” Julie asked, still giggling.

“No, who is driving you crazy?” Matt corrected her, smiling. He needed that. “But fine. If you don't like my line of deep thinking, then you lead the way.”

Julie paused. “Now it all seems silly and juvenile.”

“Tell me anyway.” He could get her to talk to him the way that she talked online to Finn. At least, he would try.

“It's just…well, every year I lie under the tree, and…I don't know. Assess my life. Get into a sort of dream state and see where my thoughts lead me.”

Matt crossed his long legs and rested his hands on his stomach. “I understand what you mean.” He did, too, although he’d forgotten. When he hiked with Finn, there were times that Matt would find a quiet spot, usually with a grand view of the landscape and seemingly endless sky, and he would sit alone, taking some time to himself. It was on one of these hikes that he decided to do everything that he could to get into MIT. It would be hard, he might not be successful, but it was a dream worth chasing. So he would take in whatever stunning location Finn had taken them to, and he would sit and dream, close his eyes and let the pure air and the sound of silence flush through him, taking his thoughts and dreams further. Matt turned his head and looked at Julie. She was beautiful. “Why don't you close your eyes?”

“You close your eyes too.”

“Okay.”

Julie looked at him and waited. “You go first.”

“No, you go first.”

“We'll do it at the same time. I don't want to lie here with you watching me. Ready? Three, two, one, go.” Julie shut her eyes. “Now we wait and see what comes to us.”

Matt couldn't help himself. He continued to look at her. He wanted so much to reach over and put his hand on her cheek, to turn her face to his, to run his finger over her lips. He could move in closer, ever so slowly, and touch his mouth to hers. Kissing Julie would be perfection, he knew.

If her feelings for him—for Finn—were real, the kiss would stop the world.

Julie turned her head to the side and opened her eyes, but Matt couldn’t look away. “I told you not to watch me,” she whispered.