So he had to. Because Julie with Matt was too complicated. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her first time couldn’t be like this. Matt would never do that to her. This was not about just sex, although she had to be aware of how turned on he was….

He squeezed her hand one more time and pulled from her kiss, resting his head back on the pillow. He looked at her as he tucked her hair behind her ear. It was good that he had just stopped things because he saw enough shock and confusion in Julie’s eyes as it was.

She would probably come to her senses and leave now. Their fight, their horrible exchange of words out in the hall…. That was the reason for this late-night fooling around. It had to be. Feelings got mixed up in the aftermath of their fight. That was all. She loved the idea of Finn, not the idea of Matt.

But she didn’t leave. She put her head back on his chest. Matt wrapped his arms around her. Fall in love with me, Julie, as I fell in love with you, he willed her. Fall in love, fall in love, fall in love….

Only for tonight, they belonged to each other, so he would stay awake.

Even if this closeness was just a result of mending what broke during their fight, he would take this excuse to stay next to Julie, the girl who had an irrevocable hold on his heart.

He would save her having to wake up with him. He wouldn’t leave her until she started to stir. Then he would ease his body away, slip downstairs, and this would be over.

The Jump

Flat-Out Love Chapter 32 retold

Matt Watkins Sometimes I feel depressed that I've wasted so much time, and I'm still no closer to discovering the resonant frequency of the human head.

Julie Seagle just “checked in” to your heart.

Years ago, Finn told Matt what he should do. Let your world as you know it be blown to bits because you fall heart-crushingly head-over-heels for someone. Matt had done that. And then he’d fought as hard as he could not to lose her that day last spring when Julie walked out of his life. He’d fought as hard as he could, and it didn’t help. His conversation with Julie—when the truth came out and when he begged her to stay—played over and over in his head all summer. Her words kept him up at night.

This was never going to end well. You realize that, don’t you?

And you’re so broken.

And you hurt me.

We’re not anything, Matt. Not after this.

You’ve broken my heart twice.

Nothing that happened has been true.

If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain and loss and hurt better than anyone. And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now too. And I can’t love you.

Matt had kissed her, poured out his heart, pleaded with her to give them a chance. He threw everything he had on the table, and Julie left him anyway. Matt didn’t blame her.

He wrote to her many times, hoping that communicating by e-mail would be easier and that he might be able to reach her. She was worth the pain it took to write her because he would never love anyone this deeply. The only response he got was one message asking him not to be the one to bring Celeste to any of the meet-ups with Julie. Eventually he stopped writing. He finally accepted that she would never love him.

So he let her go.

But then this morning, she came to Celeste’s going-away party for Flat Finn. He knew she would be there, and he expected her to be tactful but cool. She wasn’t a vicious person, but she clearly wasn’t coming to the party for him. So he prepared himself to be as polite as she would surely be, and he also prepared to have his heart torn out again.

Instead she ran to him, right into his arms. Never had he been so shaken by love. And he heard words that changed everything.

I missed you.

It was always you. I thought it was somebody else, but it was you. You were the person I felt.

I love you.

I want to jump with you, Matt. For real this time.

The nightmare was over.

Right now, on what was turning out to be the most surprising and wonderful day of his life, Matt and Julie stood by the open door of the plane, the wind raging and the sky calling. She was strapped closely to him, her back pinned to his chest as they readied for their tandem jump. She looked adorable in her jumpsuit, helmet, and goggles, and her energy and excitement were palpable. He couldn’t believe that she wanted to do this with him. And not just the skydive.

It was loud in the cabin, but he put his mouth to her ear. “Are you scared?”

“No!” she yelled above the noise.

He smiled. “Are you scared?”

“Yes! Yes, I’m scared!” Matt could feel her laughing against him.

“I’m here! I’ve got you!”

She nodded hard. She knew.

Matt looked to his left to one of the instructors he’d known back when he jumped with Finn. He got a smile and a thumbs-up, so Matt walked Julie to the edge. He had never been so happy. “Do you feel the rush? You feel it?”

It took her a minute, but she nodded. She had to feel it. The clear day gave them a spectacular and expansive view. There was no denying how high they were or what they were about to do.

The words he used as Finn came out. “You can do this. You’re strong enough, and you’re brave enough. You can do anything.”

She nodded again.

Julie crossed her arms over her chest, just like she’d been taught in today’s training.

Matt put his hand on her forehead and tucked her head back hard against his shoulder. “Here we go, tough girl.” He grabbed the metal bar above and rocked them back and forth. One, two, three times.

And then they jumped.

The fall was smooth. It must be happening in slow motion, Matt thought. It was quiet, the ripping noise of the air nearly inaudible.

Matt could feel Finn so profoundly in this freefall. The grief was still sharp, yes, but he was equally affected by how much he just damn adored Finn and how unbelievably lucky he was to have had the brother he did. Not everyone gets that. Matt had Finn’s love and playfulness and devotion when he was alive, and now, even after his brother’s death, Matt still had those in his heart. That was something pretty damn beautiful.

With Flat Finn folded and secured in the pack on his back, Matt knew that this freefall was for Finn, for Julie, for Celeste, for his parents, and for himself. He floated with Julie, just the two of them in the infinite sky, as together they healed in the aftermath of devastation.

He didn’t want it to end, but he was ready for the landing this time. “Hold on. I’m pulling the chute.”

“Woo hoo!” Her thrill rang loud in his head and his soul. Julie loved this. And she loved him.

He yanked the cord, jettisoning them up briefly as the chute opened, then slowing their descent so that they drifted.

The view was gorgeous, and the landscape in Western Massachusetts came into focus as they floated over acres of green foliage and grassy fields. There was so much out there, and Matt had been lost in his cloistered life for far too long. No more. It was time to reconnect, to explore, and to dream again. With Julie. Maybe they would travel this year? There were places to visit, new people to meet, experiences to savor. There was life to be lived.

“We’re about to land, so get ready to run,” Matt told her.

When the ground was just beneath them, they both started running in the air until their feet hit the grass. As they ran, the force of the landing threw Matt harder than he was expecting, and they fell forward. He caught himself on his arms just before his weight crushed Julie.