Closing my laptop, I try to ignore it. It’s been almost five months since I left Tennessee, and Lucy hasn’t disappointed as my keyboard pal. We email back and forth every day—or at least every day we can. When I’m out in the field, sometimes I can’t get to a computer for days at a time, but when I get back, my inbox is filled with a message from her for every day, even if I haven’t been able to write back.

I knew she was seeing someone. Not that long after I left, she sent me an email mentioning that she missed having me as a buffer to protect her from Charlie’s double-dating schemes. It wasn’t long before she started dating someone she was set up with. I joked around that I’d fly back from Afghanistan to let him know she was spoken for, but she laughed it off and told me she’d actually had a nice time. And I was happy for her.

I am happy for her. But I won’t lie. Part of me wonders why my leaving seems to have changed her outlook on dating. Five months ago, she’d have scoffed at the idea, but now she’s made it Facebook official. Sighing, I open my laptop back up, check my email, and see that, for the first time since I’ve been here, my inbox sits empty. Knowing I’ve missed days on end before, I try not to dwell on it, assuming that something came up and she’ll make up for it later.

1/31/13

Ms. Dawson,

Five solid months and you didn’t miss a day. I’m wounded. I never thought this day would come. Okay, that sounds wrong. I’m not wounded, promise. At least not physically. But imagine the pang in my poor little heart the moment I logged onto Facebook and saw your dazzling smile shining back at me with the worst news a man can get. Not even a Dear John letter, Luce? Again, you wound me. I’d say I’d punish you, but it seems like those times for us are through. Excuse me while I go cry in a corner for a minute.

Okay, seriously. I’m happy for you, Lucy. Sure, it would’ve been nice if I hadn’t had that glaring surprise when I opened up Facebook, but still. Must be pretty damn serious for I-Don’t-Date-Dawson to make it Facebook official. Again, I’m happy for you, but you better warn him. I’ll kick his fucking ass if he hurts you. Even though I know Charlie will probably beat me to it, I won’t mind giving him beat down #2.

Enough about that. Things here have gotten pretty intense. We’ve been going out on more calls than ever, and each time, the chills increase. The silence, Lucy. That’s the scariest part. The most haunting of the ordeal. You know how they say it’s darkest before the dawn? I think that type of thing works here, too. It’s always the most silent before the biggest blast. Usually, we have kids running alongside the MRAP, delighted that we’re in their area, and I love seeing them. By the way, they love the Laffy Taffy you send me, and watching them chase after it cracks me up. The way their smiles light up makes me feel like I’m doing my part, even if it is just giving candy to a couple of kids. Those smiles? They mean the world. But it’s not all peaches and cream. When we roll up to a village and get nothing? That’s when my blood runs cold. The silence in the air is almost deafening, and it sends a chill straight down to my bones. I don’t know, Luce. I love my job and I love serving my country. But I’m goddamn fucking terrified that one of these days I’m going to lose my shit over here. You know what gets me through the day? That damn freckle on the tip of your nose. The sound on your sweet laughter. The feel of your smooth skin underneath my hands. Any time I start to feel down, I draw up a memory of you, of us, and instantly feel better. I guess I was fooling myself thinking I could see you as nothing but casual. You’re so much more than that. I care about you, Lucy, but I guess I’m a little late to the ballgame.

Like I said, your happiness means the world to me. Just make sure he treats you well. I don’t think he’d appreciate my fist in his face if he doesn’t. Gotta run. Miss you.

JT Kale (He obviously had better timing)

P.S. I don’t care who you’re dating. I’m never deleting those photos. ;)

I hesitate as the mouse hovers over the send button. Do I really want to put it out there that I have feelings for her? I know I’ve hinted at it, beaten around the bush, but I always play it off like a joke, never actually saying the words. I force myself to stop thinking about it and just click send, immediately regretting my decision. I know it’s unfair of me to unload on her now that she’s dating someone, and I pray to God that this doesn’t change or affect our relationship. The last thing I want is Lucy feeling awkward around me or her new man hating my guts. Well, I could really actually care less about that, but if he doesn’t like me, that’ll bleed over into our friendship, and I can’t have some asshole coming between us.

Looking at the calendar, I check off one more day. Only one-hundred and twelve more to go. Until I’m back in Tennessee. Back with Lucy. And call me an asshole, but I silently hope that not only will I be back with Lucy, but that I’ll be with her completely. Not as her friend. Not as her buddy. Not as her fucking wingman. I don’t give a shit who she’s dating. When I step foot back on American soil, it’s going to be my goddamn mission to make Lucy Dawson realize that I’m the only one who should be her man.

Lucy

THE SOUND of my ringing phone draws me out of my sleep and I reach my hand out, fumbling to find it. Without bothering to see who it is, I put it up to my ear, mumbling out an incoherent greeting. Charlie’s excited voice fills my ear, and I have to pull the phone away. My head is still pounding, thanks to the twenty-four-hour migraine I’ve been suffering from, and the loud noise is nearly unbearable.

“Lucy Dawson, it’s about damn time you made it official!” she exclaims.

I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about, and I tell her so. She advises me to check my Facebook, and even though I don’t want to, I drag myself out of bed and go to my desk, opening up my laptop. When I get to my page, I immediately see what she’s talking about.

“What the hell?” I ask as my eyes read the declaration that I’m in a committed relationship with Aidan Van Buren.

A pit forms in the center of my stomach when I see that it already has twenty-seven likes, the most recent one by none other than Kale Montgomery. He knows about Aidan—kind of. I’ve tried to keep them separate as much as possible, especially since I still didn’t know where my relationships with either of them were headed. Maybe I’ve been stupidly keeping myself from really committing to Aidan because of some false hope that Kale will come home, sweep me off my feet, and tell me that he can’t live without me. I shake the thought out of my head as I stare at the thumbs up next to his name. Wishful thinking, and I need to accept the fact that we had a fun summer and I’m lucky to have gained such a great friend.

“Why do you sound surprised?” Charlie asks, jolting me from my thoughts.

“I haven’t logged onto my computer since yesterday. I’ve had the migraine from hell and been in bed ever since. Aidan stopped by last night and must’ve gotten on my computer to change it,” I tell her, feeling annoyed at the small but very irritating violation.

Aidan’s been fine without labels, but ever since I went away for Christmas to visit my family, he’s been hinting that he’s ready to take the next step, and I vaguely remember telling him last night that yes, he can finally start telling people that I’m his girlfriend. The thing is, my head hurt so bad I would’ve said anything to get him to go away and leave me alone. Apparently, the damage is already done, and now I, and the world, know that I’m now in a relationship for the first time in years.