“You told me, the night I changed your tire, that you were lonely. Are you always lonely?”

“Not always.”

“But a lot of the time?”

“Yes.” I know I shouldn’t be saying any of this, shouldn’t be encouraging him. But I don’t care. At this moment I want to be selfish. I want to think things I shouldn’t and say them out loud.

He’s stronger than I am, though, because he says, “I need to hang up before I say something I can’t take back. Something you may not want to hear,” he adds, and the sound of his voice, loaded with things unsaid, nearly sends me over the edge.

Every nerve ending in my body is on fire. “Okay. Go back to your friends.”

“Good night, Claire. Sleep tight.”

“Good night.”

I set the phone on the nightstand and take a deep breath. There’s a man downstairs who has every right to be in this bed with me, but he isn’t interested. And there’s a man who doesn’t have any right at all, yet he sounds as though he’d give just about anything for the opportunity.

I have never felt more alone.

37

chris

I fly home from Utah late on Wednesday night. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Claire and I alternate whose family we celebrate with and this year it’s hers. Frankly, I’m glad. My parents try to pack my siblings, their spouses, all the grandkids, and various assorted relatives into their small two-story house and by the end of the day I usually have a raging headache. It’s much quieter and calmer when we celebrate with Claire’s family.

She’s taking a pie out of the oven when I walk in the door a little after 11:00 P.M. My house smells a hell of a lot better than any of the hotel rooms I stay in, and now that I’m sleeping better I miss my bed when I’m away. I can’t believe how many months I wasted sleeping on the couch.

I watch as Claire sets the pie on a wire rack. She’s wearing her hair in a ponytail and a few strands have escaped. I suddenly have the urge to tuck them behind her ears, so I set down my laptop and suitcase and walk to where she’s standing.

“Hi,” she says, reaching over to turn off the oven.

“Hi,” I say.

She picks up a casserole dish from the counter and steps around me, like I’m in her way.

“Can I help you with anything?” I ask.

She puts the casserole in the fridge. “No thanks.” Exhaling, she says, “I’m almost done.”

Sometimes I forget how busy she is, holding down the fort at home. She’s got her own work, the kids, and the house. Just because she makes it look easy doesn’t mean it is. She’s wearing a pair of pink flannel pajama pants with white snowflakes on them. Her pink cotton long-sleeved T-shirt is just snug enough that I can see the outline of her breasts. I take off my jacket and think about how nice it will be to sleep in my own bed tonight, next to Claire. Spend the day with her and the kids tomorrow. Just knowing that most of the country will be taking the day off and that I can get away without working at all if I want to has put me in a good mood. “Do you want to watch a movie, or something?”

“No,” she says. “I’m exhausted. I’ve been baking and cooking and trying to keep the kids from bouncing off the walls all day. I’m going to bed.”

“Okay. Good night.” I want to kiss her, even if it’s just a quick peck before she goes to bed, but I’m not fast enough, because before I can even reach out for her, she’s gone, grabbing her phone and walking toward the stairs without a backward glance.

38

claire

I’m lying in bed waiting for Daniel’s call. Chris’s request to watch a movie together caught me off guard, and I feel some remorse for saying no. It’s what I’ve been yearning for. Spending time with him would have been the right thing to do, but I’m not that eager to fulfill his request. Not out of spite. Not out of any sense of retaliation. I simply don’t want to watch a movie. I’m tired and I’d rather stretch out under the covers of my warm bed and talk to Daniel. He texted earlier. Can I call you tonight? Late? I texted back. Yes. It’s all I’ve been able to think about.

We never discussed the things he said on the phone the night I called him when he was out with the guys. I thought it might be weird the next time I saw him, but I didn’t say anything and neither did he. We simply acted as if the whole thing never happened. And I certainly didn’t mention it to Elisa when she asked if I’d talked to Daniel recently. I was certain she’d warn me to be careful. Tell me I was heading toward the deep end.

I’ve always been careful, but I wouldn’t mind being a little less careful.

Then, about a week later, he called me. It was late and I’d been watching a movie in bed. When my phone rang I answered it and without preamble he said, “Are you in bed?”

I knew instantly that we were back on that unfamiliar ground, and a ripple of excitement washed over me. I reveled in the anticipation, wondering what he might say. “Yes,” I said.

“Were you sleeping?” he asked.

“Not yet.”

“How was your day?” I pictured him settling in for a long conversation, maybe lying in bed the way I was.

“Uneventful. How was yours? Did you help your friend move?” Daniel didn’t have to work that day, but he’d volunteered to help one of his fellow officers move into a new home.

“Yes. My back is killing me. He had the heaviest furniture I’ve ever carried. I need a massage. Know anyone who’s good at them?” I could tell by his suggestive tone that he wouldn’t mind if I was the one who rubbed him down.

“I’ve got a guy, actually,” I said. “Just let me know if you want his number.”

“You have a guy?” His voice had taken on a very different tone when he asked that question. Flirty to curious in less than ten seconds.

“Oh, relax. Walt doesn’t give happy endings. Not like my neighbor Julia’s guy.”

“Julia has a guy, too? She told you he gives her happy endings?”

“No, she didn’t tell me. And then I went to him when Walt was on vacation. That was the problem.”

“Are you saying her guy got you off?” By that point Daniel just sounded pissed.

“No! I flew off the table as soon as he touched me.”

“He touched you?”

“Just barely.”

“Where?”

“Well, it wasn’t my back.”

“I will shut them down tomorrow, Claire.”

“Don’t, please. It was an epic miscommunication. He stopped immediately and apologized profusely. Besides, you and I both know this probably goes on all the time.”

“It’s illegal.”

“I know that. But there are women who seek it out and there will always be someone willing to give it to them. Julia’s guy is putting himself through college by giving the big O to any woman who wants one.”

“Did you entertain the possibility of letting him give you one, even for a second?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Why?”

I answered Daniel honestly. “Because he was just some guy I didn’t know.”

Daniel and I never got back on track after that and we hung up a short time later. I’m guessing he was as unsatisfied by the conversation as I was. Maybe tonight will be different.

He calls a little after eleven. I put my phone on vibrate so Chris wouldn’t hear it ring if he happened to come upstairs.

“Can you still talk?” He speaks softly and I wonder if he’s in bed or lying on the couch.