It was just as well. He wanted to return to the time before he had ever known she existed, a time when his life was black and white, and the gray didn’t matter. He ached for the simplicity of his life, free of moral quandaries, guilt, shame, overbearing lust, and the worst sin of all, longing. He wanted to go to bed at night and know exactly what to expect when he woke up. He wanted Kitten out of his life and out of his head.

The space inside the vehicle was silent, but loud and clear. Caleb was glad to stare out of the windshield as stretches of road disappeared under them, taking them thousands of kilometers from that shower, their confessions, and all the possibilities of what might have been between them.

After a while, they finally ventured onto paved city roads. Civilization surrounded them. Caleb didn’t miss the way Kitten sat up straighter in her seat, her head turned to view everything passing her window. She raised her uninjured arm and pressed her palm to the window.

Caleb swallowed and ignored her, eyes front.

The sun was shining brightly, burning off what was left of the morning chill. Caleb reached for the air conditioner and set it low. He would roll down the windows when there weren’t quite so many people around to hear Kitten’s impassioned pleas for help. He had to get rid of the vehicle as well, just in case the doctor didn’t keep his word and the Federales were already looking for them. He had a few hundred U.S. dollars on him, and a few hundred pesos, courtesy of the doc. It wasn’t enough to bribe a cop, but plenty for your average trouble maker. Regardless, the sooner they arrived in Tuxtepec, the better. Caleb pulled into a roundabout and took the exit leading toward Chihuahua. He’d have to stop and get everything he needed near the city.

“I can’t change your mind, can I?” The soft spoken words pulled Caleb back into the car. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He didn’t want to talk. “This is all really happening. Isn’t it? And you’re going to let it happen…aren’t you?”

“Try and go to sleep, Kitten.” His voice was detached, wooden. “We have a long way to go.”

She wouldn’t relent, though her manner was casual and airy, as though she were only speaking aloud, not expecting an answer, “I admit…at first I thought…” she shrugged. “I thought you really were my ‘knight in shining armor’. Stupid, I know.”

Her ironic sadness, as she repeated Caleb’s words tried to make him feel guilt. Instead, he worked to ignore her. He didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of badgering him into an argument.

“I was so shocked when I saw you again. Shocked to discover…I thought you were a monster then. You terrified me. But now? Now, I don’t know how I feel about you,” she whispered.

Caleb gripped the wheel tighter with one hand and flipped on the stereo, flooding the vehicle with loud Banda music.

Kitten turned to face him, the once far-away look gone from her face and replaced by narrowed eyes and a mouth set into a stern line. She reached for the knob and switched the radio off. “So that’s your answer?”

Caleb took a deep breath and tried to control his anger, “You think you’re so fucking clever, don’t you?” He gave a mirthless, condescending laugh. “Do you honestly believe for one second I’m not aware of what you’re doing? You’re trying to make me feel guilty, trying to make me believe you have feelings for me.” She winced, her jaw clenching. “You know you’re trapped and you’re trying to find a way out. Trying to seduce me with your show of caring and sharing won’t work on me.” He scoffed when he saw the way Kitten feigned surprise and hurt. “You can drop the act. I’m not impressed. You’re attempts are laughably transparent.”

He anticipated her rage, braced for it, but he hadn’t given her enough credit. Instead of invective, Kitten attacked him with cold and resolute reason.

“You’re right, Caleb. I am trying to seduce you. I am trying to find a way out of this fucked up mess you’ve gotten me into. What else can I do? What would you do in my place?” There were no tears in her eyes, nor was there anger. There was only truth, and the truth was always more powerful. And painful, too.

Caleb knew exactly what he would do in her place, because he’d done it. There were times when he had tried to get men to help him, free him, and deliver him from Narweh’s treachery. He’d listened to the men who bought his body swear they loved him. He’d allowed himself to put stock into the endearments they whispered in his ear. But when it was over, when they’d taken all they could from him, they’d betrayed his trust to Narweh. He remembered the way his heart had broken when Narweh had used his own words to taunt him as he was beaten.

“I’m sorry I’m so bad at it. I’m sorry you find my attempts laughable, but I don’t know how to do it any better. You’re all I know. For what it’s worth, I’m not trying to make you believe anything. I’ve never lied to you. When I asked you to make love to me, it wasn’t a ploy, and it hurts like a bitch to hear you think otherwise, because –” her voice finally broke, tears bursting past her façade.

Caleb felt panic. He had no idea what to do. Her words, her presence, and her pain, affected him. He hated it. His memories, the ones he worked so hard to push deep into forgotten recesses of his mind, banged on the door of his consciousness. They connected with Livvie, they connected to her suffering, and together, they threatened to undo him.

A shuddering breath and Kitten seemed in better control of herself. She wiped at her eyes, took another breath and retreated to her side of the vehicle, her eyes once again focused on the world passing her by. Every now and again her chin trembled and she would take another breath to will her tears away.

She had more dignity than even she was aware of and Caleb decided, he would never again say otherwise. He wished he had never said it in the first place. His heart was racing, banging harshly in his chest and creating a thumping in his temples that made his head ache. His stomach was also affected, a strange kind of tingling pain churning in his gut.

He had an impulse to offer Kitten comfort, to tell her the truth: her attempts were anything but laughable. However, he knew telling her would be putting himself at an incredible disadvantage. Just acknowledging how much he wanted to comfort her was disconcerting. Still, the thought of hurting her any more than he already had, was too much – too much by far.

“Kitten, I –”

She leaned over and twisted the knob for the radio and the annoying voice of the announcer cut Caleb short. She avoided his eyes as she returned her focus to the window.

Caleb sighed in relief. He had no idea what the hell he had been about to say. The important thing for him to focus on was there would be no more talking for the moment. He wished he could say the same for the next twenty-four hours they would spend together on the road.

***

It had been an exhausting day. What should have been a nine hour drive had turned into twelve because Caleb had had to stop for Kitten every so often. With her bruised ribs and collarbone, she needed to stretch frequently, so he stopped along scouted roadways. When they reached the city of Zacatecas, Caleb had breathed a weary sigh and decided he could finally stop for the night and get some much needed sleep.

Kitten had spoken very little during the drive, which proved to be a great relief to Caleb. He had traded the doctor’s luxury sedan for a sturdy, but dented farming truck, and some groceries. It would offer quite the profit for the farmer, so he asked as few questions as possible, going so far as to pointedly ignore Kitten and her bruises.

She slept most of the way. The drugs in her system seemed to numb her pain, though it left her drowsy. Caleb made sure to keep a bottle of water next to her and also, that she drank from it whenever she was awake.