When we pull up to my apartment, he hops out of the car and follows behind me to the door.

“Was this a date? Why are you walking me home?” I laugh. I dig around in my purse for the keys while he watches.

When I look up, he is staring at me funny.

“Jim?” I ask, taking a step toward him. “Are you okay?” I think that maybe he is sick. His face is blank and a little flushed, like someone who is deciding if they are about to throw up. I pull to a stop when he suddenly jerks forward. At first I think he is going to be sick but at the last minute he veers right for my face and tries to kiss me. I turn my head so his lips land in a wet mess on my cheek. When he pulls back, his eyes are red. “What are you doing?” I ask. Jim and I never go there. It’s an unspoken rule of mine.

He is so close that I have to bend my head all the way back to see his face. We haven’t kissed since college.

“Is it because I’m not him, Olivia? Fucking, Caleb?”

I shake my head. I feel so fuzzy. I can’t seem to formulate words quickly enough.

“It’s not like that with us, Jim. Why now?”

“You know sex doesn’t always have to mean something. It can be done for fun.”

His eyes are blinking, blinking, like he’s trying to expel me from his vision. What am I supposed to say to that?

“I think that friends should stay friends—without the complication of sex.”

“Friends,” he croons, in a nasty hiss. “I’m sick of being your fucking reprieve.”

I shudder. It is very true, but ugly to hear.

“You’re a real cock tease, you know that?”  I look up in surprise. He has called me that in a joking way many times, but never in this tone of voice.  He is blotchy faced and red eyed and he is scaring me in that deep part of a woman that tells you to run. I take a step back.

“Jim, you’re drunk,” I say slowly.

“I’m drunk and you’re a bitch.” Then he is all over me with his mouth, pushing against my tightly pulled lips, his hands between my legs. I make a muffled cry from behind my attack and I try to push him away. He doesn’t budge beneath my shoving and I realize there is nothing I will be able to do to stop him. I try to plead but everything seems to roll right off of him.  He is groping at me trying to pull my pants down. My neighbor’s door is less than ten yards away on the other side of the building. If I can break free, I can run for it. Then comes a moment when he is distracted and his grip loosens on my arms. I take the chance to wrestle my hands free and I slap him hard across the face. He draws back in shock and his hand cradles the place I hit him. I am prepared for him to come back harder, stronger, but he just looks at me. There is nowhere for me to go. I am cornered against my own front door.  I consider screaming, but the only person who might hear me is Rosebud and what could she do?  So, I try to reason with him.

“Go home Jim,” my voice is firm. Those few seconds that he spends weighing his options become a muddy memory for me. I am angry and ashamed and scared as I watch him decide whether or not to rape me.

Please God let him leave.

The space between us grows, as he turns around and stumbles to his car.

I practically fall through my door.  When I am on the other side, I bolt the lock, and throw myself onto my couch.  I sob into a pillow until my throat feels raw and then I pick up the phone and called the only person I have ever trusted.

“Caleb…”

“Olivia?” His voice is heavy with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Can you come over…to my house?”

“Right now?” I can hear him shuffling around his room…turning on the light...fumbling with things.

“Caleb…please...I…”

“I’ll be right there.”

When Caleb arrives, his hair is disheveled and he is wearing shorts and a tattered t-shirt.

“What happened?” he asks as soon as he sees me. He holds my chin in his fingers and turns my face from side to side. I tell him about Jim, about the club, and about what he did after.

Caleb paces my living room. His face is contorted in anger.

“Where is his hotel, Olivia?” His fists are clenched at his sides. I am afraid that if he finds Jim, he will find out who I really am.

“No! I don’t want you to go,” I pull on his arm until he sits back down next to me. His anger gradually subsides into concern and he pulls me to his chest. I haven’t been against his chest for a very long time and I feel overwhelmed. He smells like soap and Christmas and himself, and I cry like a baby at the unfamiliar security his touch gives me. No one has held me like this before. I don’t know whether to bolt or cling on for dear life.

“Can you stay here tonight?” I whisper.

He kisses my forehead and smooth’s away my tears away with his thumbs.

“Yes, of course I’ll stay.”

I feel so relieved that I shudder pathetically. He squeezes me tighter. What would I have done if he wasn’t around? Who would I have called? Caleb is here now, but the clock is ticking. I have gotten myself into a situation where I am going to lose him all over again. The first time was bad enough. I burrow into his warmth and enjoy the feeling of being cared for. I fall asleep with my head leaning against his chest, listening to his heart drum out the most beautiful beat I’ve ever heard

Chapter Nine

The Past

The decision was made. I told Cammie about the abortion as we sat bent over our dinner trays in the cafeteria.

“You’re kidding,” she said as a French-fry dropped from her mouth.

“No,” I said swallowing the lump in my throat. “I overheard her talking to that tall girl about it—the one who picks her scabs.”

I stuffed the last of my fries into my mouth and licked the salt off my lips.

“Nadia?” asked Cammie, pushing her plate away.

“Yes, Nadia, but you can’t tell anyone I told you Cam, I mean how horrible would it be if that got out?”

I studied my roommate’s pretty face and frowned. Perhaps, this would be the one time that Cammie kept her mouth shut. What would I do then?

“Do you think Caleb would care, I mean do you think he would have wanted to keep it?”

I stared at her glittering eyes and felt a sinking in my stomach. I never really thought about that one. He would have wanted to keep it. I knew that in my heart. The way he had spoken about his family that night at Jackson’s he told me that he wanted to be a father. I closed my wicked eyes and sighed.

“Why would you think I would know the answer to that question?”

Cammie shrugged. “You kinda know him. I mean you spent some time with him right, I just thought—”

“I don’t know anything about him,” I snapped, standing up and grabbing my tray. Except that I wanted him more than anything else in the world. I looked down at Cammie and felt panic. This was it.

Cammie had diarrhea of the mouth. It was going to be all over the school and fast. I had now officially secured my front row seat on the train to Hell.

Choo choo!

“I’m going back to the dorms,” I said. I wanted her to follow me so that I could keep an eye on her. I wasn’t sure that I wanted…

“Ok. I’m going to hang here for a while.” Cammie smiled sugar-sweetly up at me. Her face looked innocent, but her eyes looked evil. I could see the gossip monster crawling its way up her esophagus and pushing frantically behind her mouth to be let out.

I turned on my heels and fled before she could see the tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.

Choo choo…

News of the abortion spun and chortled through the gossip chain until it reached Caleb two days later. It was an ex-girlfriend who delivered Caleb the blow. She took her first chance to ax Jessica in order to win him back. I had watched her give Jessica dirty looks for the last few weeks. I recognized them because I was giving them too.