“And why exactly should I think about you?” I challenged in my flirtatious voice.

“Well, a sexy lady like you shouldn’t be drinking alone and not thinking about me.”

I raised an eyebrow but didn’t turn back to look at him right away. I liked that he was cocky and had more confidence about himself than he should probably possess. He was exactly what I was looking for tonight.

When I finally turned to meet his salivating gaze, I knew by the way he looked at me that this was going to be too easy.

“Well, you’re wrong. I’m not drinking alone tonight.” For a second, his face fell. “—because I’m drinking with you.”

His face immediately lit up like a Christmas tree in December and he inched his seat closer to mine. There was a greedy lust in his eyes, and I knew to him, this was probably his lucky night, where a sleazy pick-up line actually worked for a change. But to me, I just needed to forget.

“So what would you like to drink?”

“Another glass of vodka, dirty.”

“Dirty,” he repeated. “I like that.” He smirked and licked his lips.

“I’m sure you do,” I shot back sarcastically.

“You’re feisty.” He laughed and motioned Steve over. I avoided Steve’s gaze, not wanting to see any hint of judgment in his eyes. I was on a good buzz, and I didn’t need it to be ruined by reality.

“So my name’s Brent. What’s yours?”

“C—” I paused for a second. “Carly.” I grinned over at him. All I wanted to do tonight was to forget about who I was. It seemed fitting in more ways than one to use her name.

When the drinks came, I grabbed mine and downed half the glass without bothering to wait for the guy.

He chuckled as he reached for his drink. “I love a woman who can appreciate a good, stiff drink.”

Feeling tired of this forced banter, I moved my hand under the bar counter. When I found the growing bulge in his jeans, I leaned over and whispered so only he could hear, “That’s not the only stiff thing I can appreciate.”

That not-so-subtle invitation was all it took. Minutes later, before he had a chance to even taste his drink, we were in the men’s bathroom where he had me pinned up against the wall in the last stall.

“Fuck me hard,” I demanded as his hands frantically removed my black mini-dress over my head and threw it over the stall door. “I want it rough and painful.”

“You’re a bad girl, aren’t you, Carly?” he growled in my ear, the heat of his breath sending a mixture of anticipation and disgust to run down my body. But I knew I couldn’t stop. I knew I wanted to stop thinking. I knew I needed this escape, now more than ever. I closed my eyes and felt the alcohol numbing my body as his hungry mouth pressed hard against mine and his hands began to massage my breasts. I gasped and moaned at all the appropriate moments, but my heart wasn’t in it. It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience and I was watching an up-close porno. My body didn’t resist as his moved down to my breasts, his tongue flicking my nipples as his hand disappeared down between my legs, his fingers exploring the depths of my wetness. I heard myself cry out in pleasure as his slightly-curled fingers moved in and out of me, causing my legs to buckle under me.

Then he pulled out of me and sucked my juices from his fingers as he dropped his pants and slipped on a condom. I could see from the hungry frenzy in his eyes that there was no turning back.

“You want it rough, baby?” His ragged voice was dark and threatening.

“Yes,” I heard myself beg.

Suddenly he lifted my legs off the ground, and I felt his erection rub against my entrance. “God, you’re so fucking wet,” he groaned in a hoarse voice.

I was about to respond, but it was too late. Instead, I cried out in both pain and pleasure as I felt him plunge all the way inside me, not holding back a single inch of him. I dug my nails deep into the muscular hardness of his back as each of his violent thrusts went deeper and harder than the last. Through my half-opened eyes, I saw his face twisted in pleasure as uncontrollable gasps and moans escaped my lips.

A few minutes later, we finally climaxed, taking me to the peak of pleasure and oblivion. In that split second, my mind was completely free from the shackles of my thoughts. But as quickly as it came, it also left, and as I pulled up my panties and adjusted the dress on my body, reality began to creep its way back into my consciousness.

“Fuck, that was incredible,” he growled in a husky voice as he leaned forward to nuzzle against my neck.

I cringed and averted his touch and reached for the bathroom-stall door.

“Where are you going with that sexy ass of yours?”

I felt a little dizzy and sick but turned back to face him. When our eyes met, I realized that I had just let a complete stranger fuck me in a disgusting bathroom stall, and it wasn’t until after our dirty act that I’d actually looked at him clearly for the first time.

Why did I do this, again?

To escape the pain you fell in your heart, I heard a small voice respond inside me.

But escaping the pain was short-lived. Not even the empty bliss of an orgasm could keep it at bay for too long. I felt my body waking up from the pain-numbing effects of ecstasy and I knew I needed to get out of here before things got worse.

As I started to pull the stall door open to leave, his hand found mine and pulled me back inside. Before I could pull away, he guided my hand down to his already-hard erection.

“How about another round?”

I looked away, cringing inside at what I had just done with this stranger. “Sorry. I gotta go, Bryan,” I said as I finally managed to pull my hand out of his grip. I quickly opened the door and stumbled out of the stall.

“It’s Brent.”

“What?” I looked back at him, realizing he had just said something to me. My mind was somewhere else—already running away from this mistake.

“My name is Brent, not Bryan.”

I sighed. “Look. I really don’t care. I’m not looking for anything serious here. If I was, I probably wouldn’t have let you fuck me in the men’s bathroom at a bar after meeting you for less than five minutes.” Shame consumed me when I realized that I had just slept with another man I had no feelings for.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” he teased. “We can still go back out to the bar, have a few more drinks, and then take the party back to my place for a night cap.”

“Trust me,” I said almost inaudibly as I turned away from him, “you don’t want anything to do with me.”

Regret gripped my insides as I ran out of the bathroom without waiting for him to respond.

Turning thirty had rattled me more than I wanted to admit. I wanted to blame it on the events of last week—blame Jeff for cheating on me, blame Carly for being a shitty friend, blame my luck for having it all happen to me on my thirtieth birthday. But I knew deep down there was something more to my unhappiness. I knew it had nothing to do with Jeff, or even Carly. I knew it was something that had been brewing over the past nine years. What happened with Jeff and Carly was only the trigger, the tip of the iceberg. But they weren’t the iceberg. They weren’t the root of the immense pain I’d bottled up inside, a pain that’d pressed against my chest, unable to find its release.

CHAPTER THREE

Present Day

By the time I stumbled into my apartment, I felt like shit. I felt dirty. I felt more alone than I’d ever remembered feeling. All the drinks I’d had in the last few hours crashed down on me all at once and I felt myself start to unravel emotionally. I knew I shouldn’t fixate on the one thing—the one person—who could push me further down this rabbit hole, but it was too late.

In my drunken stupor, I pulled up Facebook and typed his name in the search box: “Jackson Pierce.” He was the first result. We had twenty-one mutual friends. But we weren’t friends.  He’d de-friended me after that day. I hovered the cursor over his name and hesitated. I knew there would be no turning back once I clicked through. I knew I’d want to look through everything. Twice. I knew this wasn’t healthy for me. But it was just too hard to resist. I was like a kid who was left in a room alone and told not to look inside the shiny box full of toys. I have to look! This is killing me, I convinced myself.