Light reminded me of her smile, of what I’d taken, of what I’d never deserve again. It reminded me of loss, and I hated being reminded of loss. At least in my darkness I was comfortable. I didn’t have to think about the light because it was such a rarity I sometimes forgot what it even felt like.

“Stop smiling,” I blurted.

All heads turned in my direction.

“What? Me?” Saylor, still smiling, pointed at herself.

“Yeah, you got a chip stuck in your teeth or something,” I grumbled. “Didn’t want you to be embarrassed in front of strangers.” Holy Hell.

Her eyes narrowed.

“Chip free,” Kiersten announced after a two second stare down at Saylor’s mouth. “So what did you guys choose?”

Great, so everyone was back to ignoring me. I could handle that. I took a huge bite out of my taco and waited.

“One of the local group homes. The one down by the Sound.”

I spit out my taco onto my plate and started choking.

Lisa’s face went pale, and with shaking hands she reached for her water. “Oh, for some reason I thought you said retirement home this morning?”

“Oh, I did.” Saylor grinned. “Only because I wasn’t sure if they were going to let us into this other facility. For some reason the security is kind of crazy there. Anyways, my older brother did an internship there for a year before med school and said it was fantastic.”

“Why the hell would you choose a group home?” I blurted, voice scratchy after nearly asphyxiating on a taco.

“Gabe!” Kiersten smacked me in the arm. “What’s wrong with you tonight?”

I shrugged, not sure how long I could take the conversation.

“If you must know…” Saylor said in a tense voice. “My younger brother has Down syndrome. He had to go to a group home when he was really small because my parents had so much trouble with him. He wouldn’t eat, would scream all the time… that is until we finally learned how to take care of him the way he needed. His ears were really sensitive…” Saylor’s voice died off.

“And?” I prompted.

“And none of your business.” There was that damn smile again.

“Great, so…” Lisa nodded awkwardly. “Guess we’ll be going to the group home this weekend?”

“I’ll have to call and—”

“—they have game night Friday nights. Better go Saturday afternoon.” With that I pushed away from the table. My chair toppled to the ground as I made my way out of the dorm room and down the hall. I pressed the elevator button so hard I jammed my finger.

“You gonna tell her?” Wes’s calm voice said from behind me.

“Shit!” I hit my hand against the elevator door, praying it would open soon so I could escape. “Tell her what?”

“About the fact that you basically visit that same group home at least four times a week?”

Leave it to Wes to stalk me.

“You have security detail on me or what, man?” I tried to laugh but the laugh got caught in my throat.

“Something like that,” Wes’s said softly. “You know you could have told me.”

“Told you?” I croaked. “Just what do you know? I mean, what the hell Wes, what’s left to tell? Seems like you know it all anyway.”

The elevator dinged. I rushed in and pressed the lobby button.

“For what it’s worth…” Wes swallowed and looked away. “I’ve known for months.”

I swore and closed my eyes.

“Don’t tell,” I pleaded as the doors closed.

Snap at my best friend? Lose my shit in front of everyone I love? Check and check. I was losing myself — again. And this time I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. After all, being lost once is an accident… but if it happens twice, three times? A guy’s gotta wonder if it’s just in his destiny to never be found. —Gabe H.

Gabe

With a curse I kicked the door to the elevator, ready to break the damn thing in.

By the time I was in the lobby, I was ready to find an escape; anything would do at that point.

My phone rang. I reached into my pocket and cursed when I saw the number.

“Hello?”

“P—Gabe?”

“Yes?”

“She’s having another one of those nights… we’ve tried calming her down, but she wants you to sing to her, think you could do that?”

“Sure.” My throat constricted with tears. “Of course, just put me on speakerphone like usual.”

The phone made a static noise and then I heard Princess cry, “Park, Parkerrr! Sing our song, sing it! They don’t sing it right!”

“Aw, Princess that’s because they aren’t me.”

I heard giggling on the other end. “Okay, Park, I’m in bed.”

“Snug as a bug in a rug?”

“Snug!” she yelled in that high-pitched voice I’d grown used to. It had changed since the accident — it had become more childlike, more precious.

I looked around the lobby and went into one of the corners. Nobody was near me. so it’s not like someone would record my little performance and put it on YouTube.

“I love my Princess, my favorite girl. Every time I hear her laugh, I want to save the world — cause she’s my, my, my girl.”

Princess started singing along with me.

“My girl, my girl, she’ll always be my girl. And when the tears fall from her eyes, I’ll swear to never let her cry… never alone, never without me, never without us together. My girl, her and I will rule forever. My girl. She’ll forever be my girl.”

“Thanks, Parker,” she said in a happy voice.

Memories came flooding back.

“You’re crazy!” Kimmy laughed as I twirled her around the small room. “Put me down!”

“Never!” I vowed and then kissed her hard on the mouth. “If I put you down, then I’ll have to pick you up again, and that just seems silly since I want you in my arms forever.”

“Laying it on thick, Parker.” Her eyes twinkled.

“You love it.”

She nodded and laughed again. “It’s you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Thanks for the song…” she said in a breathless voice. “I love it.”

“Every night.” I vowed. “It should be your lullaby every night. So when you fall asleep, the last thing you think of is me, and when you wake up, I want you to think of us.”

“I like that.” She kissed my cheek.

I set her on her feet and cupped her face. “Kimmy, I’ll always be there for you. You need to know that.”

She nodded, her eyes welling with tears. “I’m afraid we don’t have enough time — like something’s going to happen.”

“Stop…” I pulled her in for a kiss. “Regardless of what happens, it’s you and me. Tell me you believe me. Abandoning you? It’s never going to happen.”

“Thanks, Park.”

“Anything for you Princess, anything for you.”

Rustling and static told me they were taking me off speaker phone. The airy echo sound was gone and the connection was solid again. “Thanks again, Gabe. You know how hard it is on her when she doesn’t sleep.”

“Anytime.” My voice cracked. “After all, I made a promise.” I’d vowed never to abandon her.

That was it.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

There was a reason I lost myself in women — a reason I didn’t do relationships, a reason I closed myself off from the world.

Because the minute you let someone in — they either die — or you kill them — literally. That was my truth. My life.

A girl stepped off the elevator dressed to kill. Her blonde hair was piled high on her head, her makeup so dark she looked like a prostitute.

“Hey…” I licked my lips as the girls head snapped up. “Where you off to?”

“Out.”

I nodded and took a step toward her as the elevator doors opened into the lobby. “Out sounds good.”

“’Kay.” Her eyelashes lowered. “Gabe, right?”

“Right.” I wasn’t surprised. I had a certain reputation.