“Yeah, you say that now.” I dodge around him and stride for the door, calm as I can be despite the fact that Lily is stirring inside me. “But one day with me when we’re not fooling around and you’d be bored as hell.”

“Oh I doubt that.” He backs up and sits on his desk, putting one foot on the floor and letting one dangle. “We could always give it a try and see where it goes.”

“I’ll tell you what.” I reach the doorway and keep my back to him, not wanting to look at him when I say it because I sort of feel guilty for getting drinking involved. “Come down tonight and have a few drinks at the after party and you can observe me, but only while we’re drinking.”

“What after party?”

“The one your dad’s friend is having.”

“What friend?”

“Leon something or another. The one who got arrested.” I glance over my shoulder at him.

He seems puzzled, rubbing his scruffy jawline. “Oh… yeah... I forgot he was going to be out here for a while.” He pauses, thinking deeply about something then shakes his head. “So what if I said okay to your request to drink and join the party?” he replies, getting to his feet. He picks up my drink on the desk and then walks over to me with his eyes fixed on me. “Then what would you do?”

Lily growls at me. She’s mad. Enraged. Murderous.

“You can’t drink.” I arch a brow and look down at the glass in his hand. “You’re a recovering alcoholic. Remember?”

“Is that why you offered?" He hands me the glass and I take it from him. Then he reaches out quickly and strokes my face with his fingers before I have time to back away. “Because you knew I couldn’t accept the offer?”

I shake my head. Liar. Liar. Pants on fire. You have to do better Maddie. He’ll read you like an open book. “Nope.” I’m getting thrown off balance. Get it together. I take a long slow drink, feeling the burn of the alcohol as I pull myself together. “Honestly, I really don’t care if you observe me or not. You can do whatever you want, River.” I step out of his touch, feeling a ping of guilt when he looks a little bit hurt.

Bravo. Way to clean up the mess you just got us into, Lily says sarcastically.

“Okay, I will then. And sober if that’s okay.” He slants against the doorframe, so close I can smell his cologne. “I really don’t want to throw eight years of sobriety away.”

I should tell him no, and that this is only going to happen if he’s drunk as a Las Vegas tourist stumbling down the strip at two a.m. I should not care about him enough to care. But another voice rises inside me. One that’s mine—Maddie’s alone—and it’s connected to an emotion I didn’t know I possessed. Compassion.

So much for having fun. “Fine.” I step away from him, my head getting too foggy to think clearly. I need to chill out on the drinking. “You can come observe me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re about to die of boredom.” Die of something.

“Oh, I highly doubt that’s going to happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’ll be the exact opposite.” His voice carries a promise of something… I wish I could figure out what. Discovery perhaps. If so, then I’m in some serious trouble. Then he steps forward and places a kiss on my lips, taking control over the situation, something he rarely does.

Lily snarls and Maddie winces and bites down on River’s lip hard. And the startling part is, she… I like it. River moves back and touches his lip with his fingers, his brows furrowed. I’m not sure if he liked it or is just startled. I’m guessing the latter, since seconds later he smashes his lips against mine. His tongue slides deep into my mouth and by the time he’s pulling away, he’s breathing profusely.

“After you get off,” he says, breathing heavily and gripping my hips. “You should come up here.”

“Maybe…” I look into his eyes and see lust and desire flaring brighter than it ever has. It’s startling because I can almost feel it myself; the need to rip off his clothes and touch him all over. It’s clear this little relationship thing we’re having has been going on for way too long.

I back away from him. “I have to go,” I tell him and then leave the office before he can utter a word. I’ve got a headache and I’m feeling kind of tipsy as I walk down the stairs. Lily is pissed and whispering at me to turn around and strangle River to death, that way there won’t be a problem. Maddie feels stupid. I feel like my flesh is cracking apart and I’m about to split open. By the time I reach the bottom of the stairway, Lily has flipped a switch and is laughing inside my head about how big of a mistake I just made. That if she was in more control, none of this would have happened. I almost wonder if I should just let her come out and clean up my mess. Take over. Finally just be her and see what happens. Let all the darkness and morbid thoughts inside me spill out.

Let myself finally become her.

Lily

I’m not sure how I got control of our body this time, what the purpose is. Something seems off with my freedom or maybe I seem off. I’m a little unsteady compared to usual, which is kind of the point for me existing. I’m the stable one, the one who gets even. The one who takes matters into their own hands, instead of being weak. But I feel weak at the moment. And sick.

Still, I move through the crowd, a silent predator, looking for something to do to distract the need to vomit. There’s so much sex dripping from everyone in the room, the music with slutty lyrics blaring so loudly as they shout and holler for Sydney who’s dancing on the stage. The sight of her brings the anger out briefly, but I won’t act on it, not here, not now, but maybe one day, if I’m given the right moment.

I turn away from the stage, ignoring the overly large man who smacks my ass as I down the rest of my drink. With each step, I feel more lightheaded and sick to my stomach, the lights above my head seeming brighter than the norm. When I spot the woman named Bella, I decide to go over there and chat, if for no other reason than to keep my attention focused on something but the blurry dance going on inside my mind.

“Hey!” Bella raises her hand as I approach her. I’m still trying to figure out if I like her or not. Sometimes it feels like she’s as dark as me inside, but there are other times where she seems sketchy and untrustworthy. “Come meet Leon.” She points a finger to a man sitting down on a stool beside her.

The hairs on the back of my neck instantly stand on end and it feels like a jolt of static flows across my skin. I stop for a moment, staring at the back of the man whose name makes me feel like my airway is constricting.

Bella keeps waving me over, despite my lack of interest in her. Rolling my eyes, I finally maneuver my way through the crowd and to the bar area, stumbling over my feet a few times.

“Hey,” she says, giving me a quick kiss on each cheek, invading my personal space and annoying the crap out of me. “What have you been up to?” she asks, giving me this look like I’ve just done something she’d like to do.

“Nothing much,” I reply, with a hint of slur to my speech.

Bella gets this all-knowing smile that I don’t understand—no one understands me. “Would that nothing much be a certain someone who has an office with a view.”

She glances over her shoulder at the window above us, which reminds me of how irritated I am with the man standing up there, looking down at us, a shadow in front of the glass; I can still tell that it has to be River. Always watching. Always looking at me. I swear he knows, no matter what Maddie says. He knows who I am and needs to be taken care of.

“I don’t know.” I stare at the window until my eyes start to sting, then I drop my gaze at Leon, my skin tingling with an eerie sensation I don’t like. “Is this Leon?” I finally ask just so he’ll have to turn around and I can see his face.