“Wait, ‘stoically aloof’?” I ask, slightly offended. “What the hell does that mean?” I’ve crossed paths with her quite a few times, but never actually talked to her. I’ve heard Callie say she’s intense, which I’m getting right now. But people say that about me, too, and it’s for a reason. A dark reason I don’t like to talk about. I wonder if she has a reason, too, or if she’s just a bitch. Plain and simple.

“It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.” She jams the key into the lock and unlocks the door, glancing over the roof of the car. “Now will you please let go of my arm?”

I’d completely forgotten that I was touching her and I instantly let go, tracking the line of her gaze to the sidewalk and a guy heading toward us. When I look back at her, there’s panic in her eyes, but when she notices me staring at her, the look quickly disappears and is replaced by indifference.

“Is that guy messing with you?” I ask. “Because if he is I can kick his ass if you need me to.” I cringe as I say it because most of the time when I start swinging punches I have a hard time stopping.

She seems shocked for a very intense split second but then again the look vanishes. “I can take care of myself.” She leans into the car and falls into the driver’s seat. She puts her hand on the steering wheel and takes a breath before looking up at me. “Look, I’m sorry I kicked you in the face during my fall.” She carefully pulls her leg in, wincing from the pain. “I didn’t mean to.”

I touch my finger to my forehead, feeling the forming lump. “It’s not a big deal,” I tell her. “But I’d really like to know why you… fell out the window.” I’m not sure if “fell” is the right word. She could have jumped. On purpose. For so many reasons.

“I didn’t fall… I jumped.” She stares up at me and I see something in her eyes. I have to search my hazy brain for what it is, but finally I get there. Detachment. Like she feels and cares about nothing. For a brief second I envy her.

Before I can say anything else, she glances through the windshield at the guy who’s reached the border of the parking lot and then she slams the car door. She revs the engine and I have to jump back as she peels out of the parking lot, driving away like her life depends on it and all I can wonder is what the hell she’s running from.

Violet

I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I’m too excited to sleep. My sixth birthday’s tomorrow and I can’t wait to see all my presents. My dad already gave me one, a really cute purple bear with a pretty bow on the front of it. He told me that I was too special not to get one of my presents early, but that’d I’d have to wait for the rest tomorrow.

It’s really late and I can see the moon outside my window, looking like a half-eaten cookie. The stars sparkle like the glitter on my pajamas and my nightlight in the corner of my room keeps flickering. It was the Fourth of July today and I can still hear some of the fireworks the neighbors must be setting off.

I lie in my bed staring at the glow-in-the-dark stickers on the ceiling, some shaped as hearts, some as stars. I try to close my eyes, but it’s not working. Finally, I decide to get out of bed and go down to my toy room in the basement. Maybe if I play with my toys for a while then I can stop thinking so much about all the toys that I’m going to get tomorrow.

Taking my new teddy bear and the flashlight I keep in my nightstand drawer, I tiptoe down the stairs. I pause at the bottom, staring at the window in the living room where I can see showers of red and silver sparks glittering sky. It’s so pretty and I stop at the bottom of the stairs to get a good look at them. When the colors fade, I turn for the basement door and open it. A lot of the kids I know are afraid of the basement, but mine’s not that bad. My dad even let me paint my favorite flowers on the walls and I get to keep all my toys down here, too.

I don’t flip on the light, instead I use my flashlight because I’m not supposed to be out of bed this late at night, but the moon and fireworks shower light through the window. Once I get the flashlight turned on, I skip down the stairs to where my toys are stacked in boxes around the room. There’s also a chair in the corner by a bookshelf where I have a ton of books. I love to read about anything. Princesses. Monsters. Magical kingdoms. I asked my dad once if stuff like that really existed and he told me of course and asked what fun would life be if fairy tales weren’t secretly real.

I go over to the bookshelf, deciding I’ll read for a while, and maybe that will help me fall asleep. My favorite one isn’t on the shelf, though, so I go to the storage room where there are more books stacked on the floor. My dad loves to read, too, and we have so many books that there’s really nowhere to put them. At least that’s what my mom says.

I set the teddy bear down on the floor and shine the light on the first pile of books I come across. They’re all my dad’s books so I kneel down in front of the next stack, reading over the titles. Finally I find it, but as I’m pulling it out of the stack I hear a noise coming from my toy room. It sounds like scratching or scraping maybe and my mind instantly goes to the possibility that maybe it’s a monster or a dragon or something else with claws. My hand shakes a little as I stand up and turn back toward the room. When I step into it, I feel the wind hit my cheeks. I shine the light around and notice one of the windows is open. I don’t understand why. I didn’t open it and I don’t think it was open when I came down here. What if it was a monster?

I sweep the flashlight around the room at all my toys as I start back toward the corner. Then the light lands on something tall… I hear voices. Ones that don’t sound like they belong to a monster, but just people. But that’s what they end up being.

Terrible, horrible monsters.

I wake up gasping for air, clutching my blanket, my heart thrashing inside my chest, my lungs desperately seeking air as I hold my teddy bear tightly against me. It’s like I’m drowning and for a moment I actually think I’m buried beneath the water. It’s how I’ve woken up every morning for the last thirteen years. I used to breathe as loud as possible, but I’ve had to train myself to be quieter since I have a roommate now. As my eyes open to the sunlight, my breathing ragged, I quickly roll over and bury my face in the pillow, smothering the fear and panic out of me. I grip handfuls of blanket, reminding myself that I’m not drowning, that it just feels like it. That monsters don’t really exist. That it was just people. Really terrible people who did something really fucked up and never got caught. Never had to pay. Just went on living, hiding their evil fangs and claws, while I was left to wander the world alone.

I breathe in and out until my face becomes hot and the scent of the fabric softener in the pillowcase overwhelms my nostrils, then I turn to the side, facing the wall, sliding the bear aside. I can sense that my roommate, Callie, is awake and I don’t want to see her looking at me. She’s got music playing on the stereo, some girl bellowing out lyrics to a poetic song. It’s not really my kind of music. I like the rougher kind that will drown out the thoughts inside my head and the emptiness in my heart. But the soft beat of this one is kind of soothing, I guess.

I lie there with my head on the pillow, staring at the wall, deciding if it’s worth moving today or not. My body feels like it’s been run over by a truck, like every single one of my limbs is dislocated and my organs have burst open. I’m fairly sure I’m okay, though, except for my ankle. Last night it was so swollen I could barely get it out of my boot. I landed very awkwardly when I jumped out the window and I’m pretty sure I felt something pop. There’s nothing I can do about it, though. I won’t go to the student health clinic and see a rent-a-doctor and I not going to go to a real doctor. I don’t have the money for that and I don’t want to get into debt more than I already am over tuition. I hate owing people things. It makes me dependent and dependency leads to getting hurt. It’s going to suck, though, when I have to go to my part-time job, waitressing at Moonlight Dining and Drinks.