There was one more entry.

The time is near. It could be any time now. Today I went and looked at my nursery. The cradle is ready for the child. I had a vision. It was so strange. The cradle seemed to be surrounded by light and I knew there was a healthy child in it. I did not see myself. It seemed unimportant. The child was there.

I laid down the book. I was deeply moved.

The next morning Sabrina looked at me expectantly, when I put Isabel’s diary in her hands.

I told her how touched I had been.

‘She was such a dear, good girl. I remember it so well. She was so long in labour. Jonathan was born easily enough. It was David. They had to take him away from her and she didn’t survive. Dr Barnaby was very unhappy. When I saw the diary I knew why. I often wondered if he could have saved Isabel at the cost of David. It would not have occurred to me to think so if I had not read the diary. But I wanted you to see it because of Griselda. I think it turned her brain. Isabel with her child … the whole meaning of life to her. When she lost her there was nothing to live for, so she went back to the past. She was bitter and angry and she blamed Dickon. She had it in her mind that there had been a choice between Isabel and the baby and that Dickon had made the choice to save the child. She called him a murderer. I wondered whether Isabel had ever mentioned her own feelings to Griselda. It was clearly very much on her mind, as you see from the diary. It was dreadful to live in the house with that. I wanted to turn her away but your grandmother was against it, and I don’t think Griselda could have gone on living if she hadn’t had Isabel’s things to brood on. It was a great relief when she died.’

‘I understand,’ I said.

‘There was a time when I thought she would do David some harm. And she made too much of Jonathan. It was almost as though she was trying to set the boys against each other … and certainly against their father. If only … ’

She was looking at me appealingly.

‘Lottie,’ she went on, ‘if you came back to us, it would be like a fresh start for us all. It was what we wanted, your grandmother and I. It was only your mother who was against it. You were blaming Dickon, weren’t you? Griselda had told you something. But you don’t believe her now, do you?’

I said: ‘I see clearly what happened through Isabel’s diary.’

‘You know that there was nothing callous about Dickon’s behaviour to her. He was always kind to her. It wasn’t his fault that he was not in love with her.’

‘I know.’

She bent over and kissed me.

‘I am glad you understand now,’ she said.

I did. I saw clearly that in this respect I had wronged Dickon.

They were winning me over.

A few days later Dickon was called to London.

‘I shall be away for a week at most,’ he said.

I asked Sabrina what sort of business he had in London.

She was vague. ‘Oh, he inherited a lot of property through Isabel.’

‘I knew she was very rich and that was the reason for the marriage.’

She looked at me sharply. ‘Isabel’s father was very eager for the marriage. So was Isabel herself. There was a very big settlement and when her father died a great deal came to Isabel.’

‘And now to Dickon,’ I said. ‘Is it something to do with banking?’

‘Something like that,’ said Sabrina. ‘He goes often. Not so much of late because you are here, I expect. But he travels a good deal normally. He was very concerned in all that about the American War.’

‘Yes, I gathered that. He came to France because the French were helping the Colonists.’

‘He came to France to see you,’ said Sabrina fondly.

It was only two days after Dickon had left when the messenger came bringing a letter from Lisette, and I knew that something was wrong before I opened it.

‘You should leave at once,’ she had written. ‘Your father is very ill indeed. He was calling for you when he was delirious. He has said that we are not to send for you but we thought you would want to know. I think, if you want to see him before he dies, you should return at once.’

Sabrina had seen the messenger arrive and came down to see what it was all about.

‘It’s my father,’ I said. ‘He is dangerously ill.’

‘Oh, my dear Lottie!’

‘I must go to him at once,’ I said.

‘Yes … yes, of course. Dickon will be back soon. Wait and hear what he has to say.’

‘I must leave at once,’ I said firmly.

The messenger was standing by. Sabrina pointed out that he looked exhausted and called one of the servants to take him to the kitchens and give him food. He would want to rest too.

When they had gone she turned to me.

‘I don’t think Dickon would want you to go back. He has talked to me about the state of France and was so glad that you had left at last.’

‘This has nothing to do with Dickon,’ I said. ‘I am going and I shall leave tomorrow.’

‘Lottie, you can’t!’

‘I can and I must. Oh Sabrina, I am sorry but you must understand. This is my father. He needs me. I should never have left him.’

‘You said that he wanted you to come, didn’t you?’

‘He did because … ’

‘I dare say he thought you were safer here. He would know … as Dickon did.’

I wanted to stop her talking about Dickon. I was going and that was it. I could not possibly stay here while I knew my father was ill …dying, perhaps, and calling for me.

‘I am going to get ready immediately,’ I said.

She caught my arm. ‘Wait, Lottie. Don’t be so hasty. Suppose I sent someone to London to tell Dickon.’

‘It would take too long and this has nothing to do with Dickon.’

‘He will be upset if you go.’

‘Then he must be upset because I am going.’

‘The children … ’ she said.

I hesitated. Then I made up my mind. ‘They can stay here if you will allow it. They can come home later. I will go alone and as quickly as I can.’

‘My dear Lottie, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. Dickon … ’

‘I will go and see the messenger. He can have a good night’s rest and I will go back with him. He will start first thing in the morning.’

‘If only Dickon were here!’

‘Nothing would stop me, Sabrina. The children will be happy here. They must stay?’

‘Of course. Of course.’

‘Perhaps Dickon and you, too, will come back with them and stay for a while at the château.’

She looked at me fearfully. ‘If you are intent on going you must take two grooms with you. There are certain things you will want to take for a journey … and it will be safer. You must do that. I insist.’

‘Thank you, Sabrina,’ I said, and I went to the kitchens to find the messenger.

I HALF HOPED THAT Dickon would come back that night. I knew he would attempt to persuade me not to leave but when he saw that I was adamant, it might well be that he would come with me.

I longed for him to do that. I was terrified of what I would find when I returned to France and kept reproaching myself for leaving my father even though it was he himself who had insisted that I should do so.

Eversleigh was not far from Dover and the journey was quickly accomplished. The crossing was smooth, for the weather was good. It was when we reached the other side of the Channel that everything seemed different.

The July sun beat down on us; there seemed to be a stillness in the air, a breathlessness as though the country was waiting for some tremendous event. It was something in the atmosphere of the towns through which we passed. Sometimes we saw little knots of people standing together in the streets. They watched us furtively as we rode through; they seemed to be whispering together. Some of the towns were deserted and I imagined that people were peeping at us through their windows.

‘Everything seems to have changed in an odd sort of way,’ I said to one of the grooms.