My mother was in a state of delight and exasperation. She loved these occasions at Eversleigh when everything must be done in accordance with the old traditions. Jonathan had gone with some of the gardeners to bring in the yule log and Tamarisk immediately declared her intention of going to help them.

“The Pettigrews will be arriving today,” said my mother. “You know how house-proud her ladyship is. She’s prying into everything to see if there is a speck of dust anywhere.”

“I daresay the servants at Pettigrew Hall are glad to be rid of her for a short while,” I said.

Tamarisk had gone off and after a little conversation during which my mother told me that everything was under control and there was nothing I could do to help, Jake and I left. I could see that this was one of the rare occasions when my mother wished to be on her own.

As we rode off together, Jake said: “How good it is to be alone … for a while.”

I broke into a gallop and he was soon pounding along beside me.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“To the sea,” I shouted.

I could smell the sea… that mixture of seaweed and wet wood and the indefinable odour of the ocean. I filled my lungs with it and I was happy for a moment… putting aside all fears and doubts and giving myself up to the sheer joy of being with Jake.

We pulled up as we came to the cliff and I walked my horse through the gully onto the shore, Jake following me.

The sea was slate grey on that morning; the waves came in delicately swishing the shore, showing a lacy froth on the edge of their frills.

“It is always magnificent… whatever mood it is in,” I said.

“Admittedly the sea is very grand,” said Jake. “But, Jessica, what about us?”

“What can there be? You’ve been to the house. You’ve talked with Edward. Surely you can see there is nothing I can do. I could never tell him that I was going away from him.”

“You could spend the rest of your life … just like this?”

“I have accepted it.”

“You accepted it before you realized what it meant.”

“You mean … before you came back?”

“That has changed it, hasn’t it?”

I was silent.

Then he said: “Jessica, what are we going to do?”

“Nothing. There is nothing we can do. The wisest thing would be for you to go away from here … for us to forget each other.”

“Do you think I should ever forget you?”

“I don’t know. In time I suppose you would.”

“Never,” he said. “You can’t believe I shall allow this state of affairs to continue.”

“It is not a matter of whether you will allow it or not. It is as it is. We have made it as it is and that is how it must remain.”

“You will give me up … for Edward?”

“I have no alternative. I shall never be happy, I know, for I shall be thinking of you every minute of the days. But if I left Edward I should be thinking of him. I have resigned myself to living this life which leads nowhere … except to the end. That is how it must be. I made it that way and now I must endure it.”

“I shall not let it be like that.”

“Dear Jake, how will you prevent it?”

“I shall find a way. I shall not rest until I find a way.”

“Let’s gallop along the beach,” I said. “It’s exhilarating. I always love to do it. Come on.”

I went forward and he followed me. The wind caught at my hair and for a few moments I could forget everything but the joy of the ride, forget all the problems which had to be faced; I could forget trusting Edward and demanding Jake; I could forget that I had betrayed my husband and that I was being blackmailed by Peter Lansdon and that someone else had seen the impassioned letters which Jake had written to me and in which was an unmistakable admission of our relationship. All that could be set aside during those few moments of a reckless gallop along a shore with the grey quiet sea on one side and the white cliffs rising on the other.

But as we walked our horses, single file, through the gully which led from the beach to the road, I kept thinking of Jake’s words: “I shall not rest until I have found a way.”

Christmas Day dawned mild and damp.

We had all been to the midnight service on Christmas Eve and had gone back to Eversleigh to drink hot punch and eat mince pies afterwards. Then Jake and I, with Tamarisk—who had pleaded to be a member of the party—all rode back to Grasslands while Amaryllis and Peter went back to Enderby.

There were several guests staying at Eversleigh—including Millicent and Lord and Lady Pettigrew. So we were a very merry party.

“You must come over in the morning, Jessica,” said my mother. “You must be here when the carol singers arrive.”

“I’ll be here,” I told her. “But I’ll go home for luncheon and come back again with everyone about six o’clock.”

My mother nodded, well pleased.

There was a great deal to do and this was one of the occasions when my help was needed.

I awoke on Christmas morning with that strange mingling of excitement and alarm which was often with me now.

I went to see Edward, taking my gift with me … a silk dressing gown, the kind of garment which he used frequently now, for often he would not get dressed but would sit in his dressing gown all day.

He received it with great pleasure and he produced his gift for me. It was an eternity ring, one of those with diamonds all round. It was very beautiful and I exclaimed in delight.

His next words disturbed me slightly. He said: “I asked Clare to choose for me what she thought would suit you best.”

So Clare had chosen the ring! An eternity ring! Was that to remind me that I was bound to Edward for as long as I should live? What was going on in Clare’s mind? I was convinced now that she was the one who had found the letters.

I slipped the ring on my finger.

“It’s beautiful,” I said.

“It is to remind you that I shall love you for ever. I don’t say enough. I’m too reticent, but there are things which I feel so deeply and words are inadequate to express. I could never tell you what I feel about all you have done for me. When I knew I was never going to be whole again I was in despair. Willingly I would have ended my life. Then you came and said you were going to marry me.”

“You tried to dissuade me, Edward.”

“I had to. I couldn’t condemn you to a life that was really no life for a healthy young woman. And when you insisted I was coward enough to let you do it. But that gave me the courage to go on. I knew I could … with you. And that is how it is. While you are with me, showing me your loving care, I can bear it all. You are wonderful.”

“Oh Edward,” I said, “you make me feel so ashamed.”

“Ashamed! Why should you? You have made life happy for me. When I see you in the mornings I feel glad to be alive. I would do anything within my power for you, Jessica.”

“You do,” I replied. I kissed him and he held me tightly. I felt very emotional. I loved him. It is possible for a woman to love two men at the same time. I loved Edward for his gentleness, his unselfishness, his kindliness, and for the depth of his love for me. I loved Jake because he was vital, exciting, the man with whom I could know complete happiness if in taking it I was not hurting Edward.

I released myself and he kissed the ring on my finger. I made a vow within myself then. I said: “Edward, I shall always be here … as long as you want me.”

We went to church on Christmas morning and after that we all went back to Eversleigh. The carol singers came and I helped my mother serve them with hot punch and Christmas cake which was the traditional offering.

Then I returned to Grasslands for luncheon. In the afternoon I went for a ride with Tamarisk and Jake. Clare joined us.

There was little opportunity to talk to Jake. He sought to elude the others but I did not encourage him in this. That tender scene with Edward was still very much in my mind and I was conscious of my eternity ring and all it implied.