“Nice to see you too, Mr. Muninn.”

He smiles. He’s already tired of being called Lucifer and all the thousand toadying variations you get with the penthouse. I know how he feels.

“You’ve brought a friend,” he says.

Muninn looks a little bemused, like I’m a neighbor kid who brought a stray cougar cub into the living room. Is that how Muninn sees Candy? I hadn’t thought about how he might react to a Jade. Maybe I’m overthinking it. I’ve dragged a civilian down with me into the worst place in existence and he probably doesn’t approve.

“Mr. Muninn, this is my friend Candy.”

“Very nice to meet you. I see you’re like our friend James here, with his penchant for a single name.”

“Yeah,” she says. “For the longest time all I knew was Stark. It must have taken him six months to tell me the James part.”

“Well, I still don’t know your last name,” I say.

She shrugs.

“As far as I know, I don’t have one. When I have to use one I usually just go with Jade.”

“Candy Jade. It sounds like one of your cartoon characters.”

“Sandman Slim sounds like grout cleaner.”

Muninn puts out his hand.

“Welcome to my humble home, Candy.”

She shakes, but her arm tightens around mine. She’s scared, like she’s afraid she’ll burst into flames if she touches him. But she’s brave and does it anyway. No flames. No explosions. Not even smoke.

“Was it smart to bring someone more innocent than you or I to this place?”

“I introduced her to Samael and she survived. She knows about me, so she was twisting my arm to meet the new Lucifer.”

Muninn says, “I wish I could meet a new Lucifer too. I don’t suppose you want the job back.”

“I’m afraid not.”

Muninn sighs and waves us to a sitting area.

The place isn’t anything like the penthouse when I lived here. I never bothered fixing it up. I left all of the anonymously expensive hotel furniture right where it was. Now the place looks like a museum. Back in L.A., Muninn lived in an underground cavern full of art, machines, toys, food, and geegaws from every civilization since the last ice age. It looks like he’s moved half of it down here.

Candy and I sit on a solid-gold love seat with tentacles for armrests and shaggy horsehide cushions. From the look of the thing it’s probably nestled the rear end of at least a couple of emperors. Muninn drops into a vintage La-Z-Boy recliner, but he keeps it upright for his guests.

“That’s not quite the look I was expecting for the new Devil,” I say.

Muninn glances across the room.

“I have a throne around here somewhere. A piece that’s even grander than the seat you’re on now. I wish I could greet all my guests in this chair. The throne plays hell with my back, no pun intended.”

“Sorry again about sticking you down here, but I had stuff I needed to get back to in the world.”

Out of the corner of my eye I catch Candy’s lips flicker into a brief smile.

“I understand. I should never have let Samael play his little trick and force you into taking his place. I created Hell, which makes me responsible for its well-being.”

Candy looks puzzled, and then lets it go.

I say, “So how’s it going down here?”

Muninn leans back into the chair.

“Better than it was,” he says.

“Better than when I ran it.”

“Oh my, yes. I’m rebuilding much faster than you were and it seems to have raised everyone’s spirits.”

“You know I had to drag my feet, right? I had to keep these Hellion bastards running around making plans so they were too busy to get together and kill me.”

“I understand completely. But it didn’t help the psyches of those who had to live here.”

“That’s why I wanted you to take over. I knew you could make things right and hold off the wolves too.”

Muninn looks at Candy.

“And what do you think, young lady? Did James’s hundred days as Lucifer improve his disposition?”

“Sure. He’s a pussycat now. Of course, I kicked his ass when he got home, so maybe it was that. Why don’t you ask him?”

“Why don’t you not?” I say. “Have you heard anything about Aelita or the 8 Ball?”

He shifts in his chair, trying to ease his back.

“Aelita still has confederates in Hell and she tried to use them to hide the Qomrama here. General Semyazah and I persuaded her that that was a bad idea.”

“I wonder if she took it to Heaven?”

“I doubt it. Aelita has as many enemies as allies there. Heaven isn’t a safe place for her.”

“If she can’t hide the 8 Ball in Heaven or Hell . . .”

“Then it’s still on earth,” says Candy.

“That’s a relief. I got stuck with the fake Qomrama earlier today and was starting to think I’d wasted the last month chasing my tail.”

“No. You are right to keep looking there,” says Muninn.

“How do you know she didn’t hide it in Antarctica or the bottom of the ocean?” says Candy.

Muninn says, “It’s my understanding that soon after getting the Qomrama, Aelita was pursued by a contingent of loyal angels from Heaven, so she had to hide it quickly. I suspect it’s still somewhere in Los Angeles.”

Candy shakes her head.

“Why doesn’t God just kill the bitch?” she says.

Muninn settles back in the chair and looks at me.

“Candy, remember how Mr. Muninn said that he was responsible for Hell because he made it?”

“Yes.”

“Lucifer didn’t make Hell. God did.”

“Yeah. I thought that sounded funny.”

“It makes more sense when you know that before he was Lucifer, Mr. Muninn was God.”

Candy looks at me to see if I’m joking. Then she looks at Muninn.

“I’m afraid he’s telling the truth,” Muninn says. “And the reason I don’t, as you said, kill the bitch is I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I say, “He’s not as strong as he used to be. See, God isn’t exactly God anymore. He had sort of a nervous breakdown. Instead of one big God, there’s five little ones.”

“Four,” says Muninn. “Aelita has already killed Neshamah.”

“Word is your brother Ruach is tearing it up in Heaven.”

Muninn unconsciously squeezes the easy chair’s arms.

“Yes. You see, Ruach is the oldest brother. The oldest fragment. He covets the power the rest of us have. He’s a little mad, I think.”

“Was he always that way?”

“He was always a bit fragile. Then my brother Nefesh did what he did.”

“What does he do?” says Candy.

“Our quarrels became more and more violent. Finally Ruach flew into a rage. He demanded that the rest of us relinquish our powers or he would kill us all. When we wouldn’t he attacked us. Nefesh was the one who finally stopped him, in much the way I cast the first Lucifer out of Heaven.”

“With a thunderbolt.”

“Yes. It left Ruach blind and partially deaf. His anger and fear of us grew to the point where the rest of us knew we couldn’t stay.”

Candy says, “So there’s a God in Heaven, only he’s just a little piece. And there’s other pieces of God running around. And you’re a piece of God and Lucifer at the same time.”

“In a nutshell,” says Mr. Muninn.

Candy pats my arm in mock sympathy.

“Now I understand why you are the way you are. The universe is a lot more fucked up than I ever imagined.”

“Can your brothers help?” I say. “Where are they?”

Muninn waves a hand at the window.

“Here. There. Anywhere. I haven’t talked to them in a long time.”

“Okay. So, anything new with Merihim and Deumos? Are they at war yet?”

Merihim is a big wheel in the old official Hellion church. Hell’s Vatican. Strictly an old-boys club. No girls allowed. Deumos and her sister Hellions had a little problem with that. They started their own church, worshipping a kind of goddess that’s supposed to be the new post-God deity. A fairy godmother to kiss all the scraped knees and make everything all right again. One of the last things I did when I was Lucifer was give the women their own church. After I left, Merihim and his crew burned it down. What are little boys made of? Snips and snails and rotten little assholes that don’t want to share their toys.