Why would he come here? I’m sure it has something to do with me ignoring him, but I don’t understand what could be so urgent that he’d drive forty minutes to tell me.

I hang up the phone and debate whether or not to text Hardin and tell him about Zed’s arrival. I toss my phone into my desk drawer and close it. Nearly the last thing I need is for Hardin to come here, since he won’t be able to control his anger and will surely cause a scene on my last day at work.

The last thing I need is for him to get arrested, again.

chapter

eighteen

TESSA

When I pull open the door to my office, Zed is standing in the hall like the angel of death. He’s dressed in a black-and-red-plaid sweatshirt, dark jeans, and sneakers. The swelling on his face hasn’t gone down much, but the bruising around the edges of his eyes and nose have lightened from dark purple to a greenish blue.

“Hey . . . I’m sorry for coming here like this,” he says.

“Is something wrong?” I ask and walk back over to my desk.

He stands awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before stepping into the room. “No. Well, yes, I’ve been trying to talk to you since yesterday, but you haven’t been answering my texts.”

“I know; it’s just that Hardin and I already have enough issues without me creating even more, and he doesn’t want me to talk to you anymore.”

“You’re letting him tell you who you can talk to now?” Zed sits down in the chair directly in front of my desk, and I take a seat behind it. The way we’re seated gives an official, more serious tone to our conversation. It’s not uncomfortable, just too formal.

I look out the window before answering.

“No, it’s not like that. I know he’s a little overbearing and may go about things the wrong way, but I can’t say I blame him for not wanting me to be friends with you anymore. I wouldn’t want him to spend time with someone he has feelings for either,” I say, and Zed’s eyes widen.

“What did you say?”

Dammit. “Nothing, I just meant . . .” The air grows thick, and I could swear that the walls are closing in on me. Why did I just say that? Not that it isn’t true, but it won’t help the situation here.

“You have feelings for me?” he asks, his eyes lighting up with each syllable.

“No . . . well, I did. I don’t know,” I ramble, wishing I could slap myself for being so quick to speak without thinking.

“It’s okay if you don’t, but you shouldn’t have to lie about it.”

“I’m not lying; I did have feelings for you. I may still have some, honestly, but I don’t know. It’s all confusing to me. You always say the right things, and you’ve always been there for me. It would make sense if I did develop those feelings. I’ve told you before that I care about you, but we both know it’s a lost cause.”

“Why’s that?” he asks. I’m not sure how many more times I can reject him before he understands where I’m coming from.

“Because it’s pointless. I’ll never be able to be with you. Or anyone, for that matter. No one but him.”

“You’re only saying that because he has you trapped.”

I try to push down the anger that is slowly building as I listen to Zed’s words about Hardin. He’s certainly entitled to have ill feelings toward him, but I don’t like the way he’s insinuating that I have no power or control when it comes to my relationship.

“No; I’m saying that because I love him. And as much as I don’t want to say it that boldly to you right now, I know that I have to. I don’t want to lead you on more than I already have. I know you don’t understand why I stay with him through all of this mess, but I love him so much, more than anything, and he doesn’t have me trapped. I want to be with him.”

It’s true. Everything I just said to Zed is true. Whether Hardin comes to Seattle with me or not, we can try to make it work. We can use Skype, see each other on the weekends until he goes to England. Hopefully by then he won’t want to be away from me after all.

Maybe the distance will make Hardin’s heart grow fonder, his tone softer. It may be the key to getting him to agree to move with me. Our history has proven that we aren’t very good at staying away from one another; whether deliberately or not, we always end up together in some way. It’s hard to remember a time when my days and nights didn’t revolve around this man. I’ve tried again and again to picture a life without him, but it’s nearly impossible.

“I don’t think he gives you the chance to really think about what you want or what’s good for you,” Zed says with conviction, though his voice does crack. “He only cares about himself.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong. I know you guys have some issues between the two of you, but—”

“No, you don’t know about our issues at all,” he says quickly. “If you did—”

“He loves me, and I him,” I interrupt. “I’m sorry that you were brought into the middle of this. I’m so sorry; I never wanted to hurt you.”

He frowns. “You keep saying that to me, and yet it keeps happening.”

I hate confrontation more than anything, especially when it involves hurting someone that I care for, but these things have to be said so that Zed and I can close the book on this . . . I’m not even sure how to categorize it. Situation? Misunderstanding? Bad timing?

I look at Zed, hoping he can read the sincerity in my eyes. “It wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing. I already knew this when I made the decision to come here. You made it pretty clear how you felt outside of the administration building.”

“Then why did you come?” I ask softly.

“To talk to you.” He looks around the room, then back at me. “Never mind. I don’t know why I came here, really.” He sighs.

“Are you sure? You seemed pretty determined a few minutes ago.”

“No. It’s pointless, like you said. I’m sorry for coming.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize,” I tell him.

We both keep saying that, I think.

He points down at the boxes on the floor. “You’re still going, then?”

“Yeah, I’m almost ready to leave.”

The air between us has become incredibly thick, and neither of us seems to know what to say to the other. Zed stares out the window at the gray sky, and I stare at the carpet beyond him.

At last he stands up and speaks, though I can barely hear his words through the sadness in his voice. “I better go, then. Sorry again for coming here. Good luck in Seattle, Tessa.”

I stand up as well. “I’m sorry for everything. I wish things could’ve been different.”

“So do I. More than you know,” he says and stands up from the chair.

My heart aches for him. He’s always been so sweet to me, and I’ve done nothing but lead him on and reject him.

“Have you made up your mind whether you’re going to press charges or not?” This isn’t the right time to be asking this, but I don’t think I’ll ever see or hear from him again.

“Yeah, I’m not going to. I’m over this whole thing. There’s no point in dragging it out. And I did tell you that if you told me you didn’t want to see me again I would drop them, didn’t I?”

Suddenly I feel like if Zed just looks at me in a certain way, I’ll probably start crying. “Yeah,” I quietly respond. I feel like Estella in Great Expectations, toying with Pip’s emotions. My own Pip stands in front of me, caramel eyes fixed on mine. And this is a role I don’t really want to play.

“I truly am sorry for everything. I wish we could be friends,” I say.

“Me, too, but you’re not allowed to have friends.” He sighs, running his fingers over his bottom lip, pinching it in the middle.

I decide not to comment on his statement: this isn’t about what I’m “allowed” to do. I do, however, make a mental note to discuss this perception that other people have with Hardin and make sure he understands that it bothers me that his attitude makes them think this about me.