I step out of the shower, look at myself in the mirror and burst into tears. I’m totally kidding myself. I’m in love with Cameron King and over the last few weeks, Jackson has helped me realise that fact, and stupidly, it would now seem, I had allowed him to become a symbol of hope. I had no idea I was going to bump into him Saturday night, but I had planned on getting in touch with him once I was back in England to try to work out exactly what my feelings were for him. After seeing him Saturday and talking to him the way I did, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I love him. I’ve always loved him. I’m one of those people, it would seem, who can love two people at once. I’ve loved Sean my entire life and I’ve loved Cam for the last twelve years. Whether it’s right or it’s wrong, it’s a fact. It must also be something in my nature that makes me unable to stop loving someone. I’ve never stopped loving Sean and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Cam, which basically leaves me fucked for ever loving anyone else and I hate that thought. I don’t want a life without love. There’s something in me and I assume it’s the same for most humans, that makes me want to love and to be loved. I never want to go back to the detached sex I had in my past, never. It was horrible and hurt me much more than it healed. What I had with Roman was okay. At least we connected as friends and we definitely connected physically; he was hot and just one look woke up my sleeping libido, but that’s all it was, a friendly fuck. I’ll always be grateful for the fact he helped me realise I was capable of moving on to some degree, but he’ll never mean more to me than a friend.

I decide not to bother with any makeup because I can’t be sure that I won’t be crying again anytime soon. I put on some clean clothes, pull on a baseball cap, take my sunglasses out of my bag, and go and take my seat as we make our descent into Heathrow.

* * *

Jimmie and Len are at the airport to collect me. Jim and I are blubbering snot bubble blowing messes the instant we set eyes on each other. The three of us stand and have a group hug for a full three minutes before heading over to the car. Len has booked a car with a driver so we can all sit in the back and talk. I give them most of the details of my time away, but I save my adventures with Roman for when I get some girlie time with Jim and Ash.

It’s Monday morning in England, and the traffic on the M25 is its usual nightmare. Ash has convinced Marley to go to my parents’ house with her and we are going straight there to surprise them all. My stomach begins to churn as we drive along familiar streets on the approach to my parents’ home, my home. I must become quiet as Jimmie reaches out and takes my hand.

“You okay, babe?” I shrug. I could nod my head, but it would be pointless. She knows me too well.

“Nervous,” I reply honestly.

“It’s only Mum, Dad, Ash and Marley, George. You’re not going to meet the queen.”

I turn and smile at Lennon. “I’ve met the queen twice, Len. She’s nothing compared to Mother.” He takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

“She’ll be all right. She’s just missed ya really badly. Actually, we all have.”

I nod. “I missed all of you, too, but I just couldn’t be around here with all those stories going on.”

“I know. I understand that. It pisses me off that they’re allowed to print all of that shit and yet don’t say a word when it’s all proved to be a load of bullshit.”

Anxiety builds in my chest as I think about the claims and the relentless press attention and speculation. Sean’s been dead a year now and I wonder if they will finally leave me alone. I’m not famous. I was married to someone that was; that’s all. I really don’t understand why anyone would be interested in me.

Lennon’s phone rings and it reminds me that mine has been switched off since I got into the back of the car taking me to the airport. Cam started to call me. I ignored him three times before I just switched it off. I turn it back on and it bleeps continuously as it lights up, alerting me to twenty-seven missed calls, nine voicemails and twelve text messages, but attention is taken from them to the conversation Lennon is having on his phone.

“Well your source is wrong.” I turn to look at him.

“No, I can’t confirm that.” His eyes are staring straight ahead and I just know that the call is about me when he turns and looks out the window.

“I’m confirming nothing, Jules.”

“Nope, nothing to say about that either, any more questions?”

“Then please call the office not my mobile. I’m on holiday.” He frowns as he listens to what’s being said on the other end of the line and his eyes suddenly turn and meet mine. “Fuck off, Jules.” He ends the call just as my phone rings. It’s Cam and my heart pounds so hard I can feel it reverberate through the leather seats of the car.

“You gonna get that?” Lennon asks. I shake my head and silence my phone. I look back at Len, who’s staring at me, but through me, and I get this horrible, icy cold sensation run up my spine. “I’m gonna ask you this once and I want you to be honest with me, George. I can’t put this right if you tell me lies.” I nod and I have a horrible feeling I know what’s coming. “Did you spend Saturday night at a hotel with Cameron King?” I want to throw up. The press and the fans are going to crucify me over this and I did nothing wrong, did I?

I nod as Jimmie takes a hold of my hand. I swallow, but my mouth is so dry I almost choke.

“It’s not what you think. Nothing happened. We talked. I bumped into him at a club and we were worried about being photographed together so we went back to my hotel, but we just talked, nothing else, Len. I swear. I wouldn’t have done that, not on Saturday night.” I don’t want to cry, but I can feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes. I try to blink them away and fail. I swipe angrily with the back of my hand and try to control the trembling of my bottom lip. “They’re gonna hate me for this. The whole fucking world is gonna hate me, but I swear to God, we talked and I cried a lot.” Jimmie remains silent but hands me a tissue.

“Why the fuck was he in Australia? Why were you both at the same club? Do you realise how bad this looks? For fuck’s sake, George, I don’t know how I’m gonna make this one go away.” I cry silently as I look down at my lap.

“She went to the opening of the club Jodie’s been working on. She wanted to stay home, but I told her to go. She went with Jackson and Brooke.” Jimmie squeezes my hand tighter as she speaks. I couldn’t love her more in that moment, my beautiful, loyal best friend. She knows me well enough to know there’s every chance I did arrange to meet Cam, that I did spend the anniversary of my husband’s death having wild sex with another man, but without hesitation, she’s got my back and she’s defending me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life. Despite the gravity of my situation, I manage a little smile.

I look back towards Lennon. “It turns out that Cam is majority shareholder in the club that Jodie’s been working on. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him there. We chatted for a while at the club, but we knew there were a lot of press about so we managed to get out of the back doors without being seen, and because I was leaving early the next morning, we went to my hotel. I didn’t want any more to drink. I’d already had too much and Cam was worried about photographers so we just went to my room.” I shrug. “We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I got my plane back to England the next morning and here I am.” Len rakes his hand through his hair. As he lets out a long breath, he shakes his head.

“You don’t make things easy on yourself, do ya, Porge?” I shrug and my bottom lip starts to wobble again.

“Seems to me, don’t matter what I do, someone’s always out to make me look bad. The press are always looking to dig some kind of dirt on me and Sean, and if they can’t find anything, then they’ll just make things up anyway.”