“You just don’t want him living with us.” Wow, did he really just say that?

“D’ya know what? Fuck you. I’ve sat here, listening to all your shit, about your day and you haven’t once asked about mine. You haven’t once asked what happened this morning. Len told you I passed out and yet you haven’t once asked how I am. You don’t give a shit about anything or anyone other than you, her and the baby right now. So I tell ya what, you go to court and get custody of your kid and you go and live wherever the fuck you like and leave me out of it.”

I slide off the stool and start heading for the door, then I remember that I’ve got no car here.

“Where the fuck you going?” he shouts after me. I keep walking, but I have nowhere to go and no way of getting there so I turn back around and march up to where he still stands in the kitchen.

“Away from you. Have a little think about what you just said to me. I’ve lost two babies, Cam, two. One before it was the size of a pea and one that was perfect. I bathed him. I dressed him and I held him in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and then I watched as he was put into a coffin lying on his daddy’s chest. Exactly how I’d imagined they would fall asleep together, so don’t you dare, ever, tell me, that I wouldn’t welcome your child into our home. I’ve supported every choice you’ve made where Harry is concerned. Tamara might be the worst kind of human being, but until she proves she’s an unfit mother, I cannot support you in taking her baby away from her.”

His arms are spread wide as he leans on the bench, his head bowed down. The only sound is the hum of the air con and my heavy breathing. He slowly looks up at me.

“I’ve lost a child, too. He was perfect and I buried him with his mum, and I’m so scared, Kitten. I’m so scared that she’ll do something to get back at me, for being with you. I just want my child to be safe.” We stand and stare at each other in silence for a few long minutes before he says, “Come here. I need to breathe you in. Today’s been totally fucked, all I’ve wanted is to be with you, and now that I am, all we’ve done is fight. I hate fighting with you. Come here, please.” He holds out his hand and I step towards him, but just out of his reach. He gestures with his fingers for me to come closer. I don’t move. “Don’t defy me, Kitten. Just come here and let me love you.”

I swallow, but that big, ugly ball of emotion wedges somewhere between my throat and my chest. He opens his arms and I lose the will not to be close to him. I’m still angry but I just need him to hold me. I keep my arms at my sides and he wraps his arms across my back and kisses my hair, my temple and my ear.

“Tell me what happened. Why’d you pass out and how many babies are we having?”

His big hands cup my face and he tilts it so I’m looking up at him.

“Who says we’re pregnant?”

“Kitten, your sexy eggs have been mixed with my super sperm. Of course we’re pregnant.” I manage a smile. “So, who’s pregnant?” he asks.

“Both of them,” I reply.

He tilts his head as he pulls it back to get a better look at me. “Seriously?”

I nod. “I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that, Cam.”

His eyes are shining with unshed tears. “No, you wouldn’t, would you, Kitten.” He brings his mouth gently down to mine and kisses me very softly. “I love you and I’m so sorry for all the shit I’ve brought your way the last few days. I swear, I will find a way to make it better. I swear, I will make you happy. Three babies, Kitten, we had none and just like that, we’re gonna end up with three.”

I want to be confident that everything will be just fine, that we will end up with another two babies, but this is my life. Nothing about my life has gone the way I planned. Until I had two healthy babies in my arms, I would face each day with caution and trepidation. Jim and Ash were right when they decided to keep the information they gave me about the IVF process to a minimum. I do have a tendency to stress and have a meltdown over the slightest thing. And as much as I want to enjoy these next nine months as I watch my babies grow and develop inside my two best friends’ bellies, I know full well that I’m going to be terrified too.

* * *

Cam and I drive back to Essex and our new home, and this time, there’s not a journalist in sight. We shower and curl up in bed together. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically drained. I’m looking forward to the memorial events for Sean this weekend, but at the same time, I can’t wait for them to be over.

As if reading my mind, Cam says into the back of my head as we spoon, “Do you want to go to the cemetery at the weekend?” It’s Sean’s birthday Saturday. That’s why I picked this weekend for the concerts.

I shake my head. “No, I don’t go to the cemetery.” He’s quiet for a few seconds.

“Why’s that, Kitten?”

I shrug and turn around to face him. “It doesn’t bring me any comfort. Sean’s not there. It’s the last place he would be. If I need to feel close to him, I play one of his songs or I just talk to him.”

“And do you need to?” I shrug.

“Sometimes. With the acts and the events for the weekend, I’ve needed his advice.” He lets out a sigh and I know he’s disappointed that I’ve said that. “Don’t sigh like that. You’re being stupid. You have nothing to be jealous about. I’m not having this conversation with you again. You spend time with Tamara. I’m the only one who gets to be jealous.” His hips are pressed into mine and I feel him start to get hard. It doesn’t take much to get Cam going.

“Are you jealous then, of Tamara?” I nod.

“You know full well that I am. I can’t do it, Cam. I’ll end up as bitter and twisted as she is if you keep spending time with her. Spend all the time you like with Harry, but not with her.”

He kisses my forehead. “Just another couple of weeks, Kitten. The baby will be with us every other weekend and she won’t be around to spoil it.”

“So you’re not going to apply for full custody?”

“I’m still not decided. I understand where you’re coming from, but Harry’s safety is my number one priority, over and above any rights she may have as his mother.”

I let out a long breath. “I understand and respect that. It’s a hard call.” Now I’ve calmed down, I can see why he’s concerned. Even off the drugs, Tamara is vindictive and unpredictable, and he’s probably right not to trust her with his son, especially when she finds out about our babies.

“How you feeling? What was the passing out all about? You didn’t answer me when I asked you earlier.”

I give a small shrug. “I just got myself in a state. I was worrying about the results and my legs just went from under me.”

“You feel okay now?”

“I feel fine now. Just really tired.”

“Too tired to fuck?”

“Yep.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Can I fuck ya anyway?”

“Of course you can.”

Chapter Thirty

I walk out of the television studio on London’s South Bank and see Scott waiting for me. He’s leaning against the black Land Rover with a coffee in each hand.

It’s only ten in the morning. I’ve been here since six being interviewed on breakfast television about this weekend’s events for Sean’s memorial.

I’ve done interviews every day this week, and Marley has been with me for all the others, deflecting anything too personal. I’d made it clear to the TV and radio stations that the interviews were to be focused on the event and the charity, not on me, how I was doing or my relationship with Cam. I hadn’t given a single interview since Sean’s death, so I knew there would be a few arsehole journalists who would try and push the parameters that had been set, but most had been respectful.

The interview I had just done was a little different though. One of the charities the event would be supporting was involved in helping couples conceive if they couldn’t get IVF on the health service. During my research about IVF and surrogacy, I had found there were couples out there who, for various reasons, didn’t meet the health service requirements or had used up the three attempts you were offered and still hadn’t fallen pregnant. Some of these couples had gone on to sell their cars, homes and any other assets they had to try and have a baby. These were the people I wanted to help.