“Nothing happened,” I lied. I planned on telling her about everything; I just couldn’t yet. It was too fresh, too painful.

The day I left, my family and friends took me to the airport. Mama, Jason, Luke, Lindsey, Aunt Cadence, Uncle T., Sophie, Rachel, and Ethan were all there. I suspected Ryan wouldn’t show up, but I guess a small part of me hoped he would. I kept looking for him, until the moment I boarded the plane. I knew then that it was over. Whatever it had been, it was finished.

In Cleveland, my grandma was waiting for me at the airport. As soon as I saw her, I broke down and cried like a baby. She embraced me and said everything would be okay. I wanted to believe her, but I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

My father had forgiven me, but he had died and I would never be his little girl again. Mama called almost every day and now I talked to her, but I could hear the sadness in her voice and it tugged at my heart. I couldn’t shake the guilt of leaving her alone at such a time. Sophie, Rachel, and I had reconnected. We had been exchanging emails and text messages, but it wasn’t the same. The distance was already taking its toll on our friendship.

And there was Ryan. We had found closure, the perfect one. Then why didn’t it seem like my feelings would go away anytime soon. Truth be told, they had never gone away, not in four years, and I knew I wouldn’t be free of it now. Not after what we had the past few weeks I was down there.

Meanwhile, Gavin still called me sometimes, though I didn’t answer. When he would bump into me on campus, on purpose, he tried to ask me out.

With Kristin, things were awkward. I loved her, but since I wasn’t ready to talk, she probably felt like I was pushing her away. I had to find a way to open up soon, before she gave up on me.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Kristin said. We walked into the science building where she had chemistry class and I had physics. “You’ve been distant and quiet, practically sulking. You do nothing but study or stay holed up in your bedroom. You know, even your grandma called me yesterday to talk about you.”

“What?”

“She’s worried about you.”

“I’m okay,” I whispered. Even I didn’t believe my own words.

“To some extent, I know you are. But mostly you aren’t.” We stopped in front of my classroom. She touched my arm. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here, okay?”

I nodded and entered the classroom before I could break down in the hallway. I took my usual seat and opened my book, reading the current chapter we were working on furiously, trying to imprint it on my mind, so it would take over the emotions that wanted to spill from my chest.

***

Armed with honey, crackers, and my sketchpad and pencil, I plopped down on the armchair in the living room and turned on the TV with the remote control. I went directly to Netflix and put on some random Gilmore Girls episode. I had seen the entire series while it was airing years ago, but with my messed up mind, it was nice to put on something familiar and not have to focus on it.

I spread a healthy amount of honey on a cracker and popped it in my mouth. Then I tugged my legs under me and lay my sketchpad on my knees. Like I usually did, I simply drew, without paying attention to it.

Sometime later, my phone dinged a few times. I reached for it and gasped. I had been in this same position, drawing my heart out and eating all the crackers and half a bottle of honey for over two hours.

What was wrong with me?

Shaking that off, I read the text message.

Rachel: When are you coming down to visit us?

Sophie: Yes! We miss you!

Rachel: It’s my birthday next week. You could come down then.

She inserted a lot of winking emojis at the end of the message.

Me: I don’t know.

It was true. I hadn’t given it much thought. I knew Mama expected me for Thanksgiving, then Christmas, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back after spending three months there. I was still trying to get back into my routine here.

Then there was grandma. I wouldn’t leave her along during those important holidays.

My phone dinged some more, but I put it down. My mood was too sour to read through their messages. Instead, I went to the kitchen, grabbed more crackers, and went back to the living room, where Gilmore Girls still played.

The front door opened. I looked over my shoulder and saw grandma coming back from her card game. Every Friday evening, she got together with a group of seniors and played cards. She loved it, and I loved it that she got to go out and be with friends.

As she stepped into the living room, she smiled at me but just for one second.

“Jessica Grace Hayes!” she said, her tone military-like. It reminded me of Papa and I winced. She grabbed the TV remote and turned it off.

I sat up. “Hey!”

She put her hands on her waist. “Don’t tell me you’ve been here in this same position for the last two hours?”

“Well …”

“Why aren’t you out with Kristin? That’s what you used to do every Friday and Saturday.”

I shrugged. “I’m not in the mood.”

She sat down beside me. “Hon, you’ve been home for six weeks. It’s almost October. I thought you would be over this sour mood by now.”

Me too. But the worst part was, I didn’t understand where this sour mood was coming from. I was home, I was still studying architecture, I had broken up with Gavin, I had said goodbye to Papa, I had reconciled with Sophie and Rachel, I had Kristin here, and I had found closure with Ryan. Why then didn’t I feel good? Satisfied? Happy?

“I don’t know what the matter is,” I confessed.

Sighing, she reached over and took my hands in hers. “I think I know.” I watched her expectantly. A sad smile appeared on her sweet face. “You came back, but you’re not home.”

“W-what?”

“Your home is in Lexington.”

“But—”

She raised her hand. “Think about it, hon. Since you came back, you’re all mopey, just going with the flow. It’s like you’re a machine, just going to classes and coming back; working on your projects and sketching and nothing else.” She gestured to my sketchpad. I glanced down at it and did a double take. My breath caught. Grandma went on. “You feel like something is missing, but you don’t know what. You think you have everything, and in some way, you do. You have a house, you have friends, you’re in college, and there’s me too. But it’s not the same anymore.”

The façade of a house filled the paper of my sketchpad, a house I knew too well, having lived sixteen years there. But what really made my breath catch was the people in front of it. Without realizing, I had drawn people. People! I hadn’t drawn people in four years!

Mama, Jason, and I were in front of my childhood home. My brother’s bike was in the driveway with Luna lying beside it.

I returned my gaze to my grandma. “I … I don’t know,” I muttered. A turmoil of emotions swirled in my chest and tears brimmed in my eyes. “Even if I felt like going back, I couldn’t leave you.”

She smiled. “I love having you here with me, hon, but I always knew it wouldn’t be forever. One day, you will leave. It may be when you graduate and go for your master’s degree in two years, or it may be when you fall in love and want to move in with your beau—whenever that happens.” I chuckled at her choice of words. Beau. It had been a long time since I had heard her use southern words. “Don’t worry about me, hon. I’ll be fine. I want you to worry about you, your future. You have to do what’s best for you, whatever that may be.”

She kissed my cheek and stood. She returned the TV remote to me and left the room.

I threw the remote aside and stared at the drawing on my lap. My family and I at our house in Lexington. If I were superstitious, I would think I had drawn this for a reason.