“Well played, Cara. But probably not. I haven’t had the best history either.” Of course I’d love nothing more than to kiss Kipton repeatedly, but as soon as I’m healed, I’ll be in the gym on a full time basis. There won’t be time for movies under the stars, dinner dates and cuddle sessions. That’s what worries me.

“So you’re never going to make out with my brother again? Even after how happy it made you?”

“I never said that.” I take another sip of my water and clear my throat. It still hurts from making myself sick. “Gymnastics, Cara, it always gets in the way, but that’s what’s most important to me. Guys come and go, but the sport is my one constant.” I refocus on my phone, hoping she takes the hint that I don’t like talking about this.

“Were you burned in the past?”

Okay, definitely not getting any work done. I get up and move to my own bed, placing some distance in between the two of us so I can express what I need to say. I’m not about to sit around the campfire singing Kumbaya while hashing out my past, but I owe her an answer.

“Maybe. But there hasn’t been a guy worth my time either. I opened up my heart once and all I got out of that was used and tossed aside like yesterday’s trash. So, maybe I am jaded, but I’ve never been around a relationship that stood the test of time either. My dad was a fuck up; my first boyfriend took what he wanted and moved on. I have nothing to go on. It’s easier to focus on what’s important and put my heart into my gymnastics dream instead of someone else’s hands—nobody’s ever taken care of it. I have to build my own life, for me. If someone ends up joining me for the ride, awesome. But if it doesn’t happen, I’m okay with that too. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I have my own goals and ambitions.”

Cara blinks her eyes, seeming somewhat surprised by my honest answer. “I’m sorry, Sophie. I had no idea.”

“Don’t be, I’m not. It is what it is.”

“Can I ask you about your dream?”

“I guess.” There’s honestly not much to tell. It’s a pretty cut and dry plan I’ve mapped out for myself. “What do you want to know?”

“Tell me about it.” She rolls over onto her stomach and rests her chin in her hands taking great interest in any details I’m about to tell her.

“All I want is to be the best gymnast I can be, to get good grades and land my dream job. That’s it. I’ve never imagined a husband or kids in my future. I know what I want and what I have to do to get it. That doesn’t mean I won’t have a little fun along the way.”

“You honestly don’t want a family?”

“I have my Mom now that my Dad’s gone. That’s good enough for me.”

She stares at me, probably wondering what to say without telling me I’m a selfish bitch. “You deserve so much more than that, Sophie. You’re amazing and I’m not saying you’re gonna marry the first guy you decide to date, but Kipton cares about you. I’ve seen the look in his eyes when he’s around you. The night you were sick and passed out in his bed, I’ve never seen him like that.”

“Maybe so, but it still doesn’t change what I want out of life. History’s been known to repeat itself and I don’t ever want to live in hell again. People change over time, Cara. In fact, times usually not on our side at all. It does crazy things to our minds and makes us hurt the people we’re supposed to love. So, no. I don’t really want to be with someone who has the potential to hurt me.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that, Sophie. It doesn’t have to be only gymnastics and work. You deserve to be loved because I know you have the potential to be someone’s forever. I promise you there’s a way to still be independent without being alone.” She walks over and hugs me. I return it, sensing she needs the comfort more than I do. Without knowing my history, she’ll never understand where I’m coming from. And that’s okay—it’s bad enough I have to relive it in my dreams.

“Will you tell me what happened with your first boyfriend?”

I scoot over on my bed so she can sit down with me. “There’s not much to tell. He was a year older than I was and moved into the same development that I’ve lived in all my life. He had a similar situation as I did, with his parents going through a divorce. Neither of us wanted to be in our houses most of the time because of all the fighting, so we would go for runs. Thankfully, I was at gymnastics during most of my free time—maybe that’s why I’m so attached to it. It was my saving grace when I had nothing else to turn to. Anyway, as I was running by his house one day, he joined me. At first I was nervous about this random guy being in my personal space, but he was easy to talk to.”

Cara’s listening intently, hanging on my every word.

“For a while, I felt like he was all I had. So, of course, I wanted to please him. I couldn’t make my parents happy or love each other, but I could control the way he felt about me. It’s lame, I know that now. But when you’re seventeen and desperate for affection and attention, you do stupid things.”

I fiddle with the tag on the pillow I’m clutching in my lap. Cara reaches over and holds my hand. “You don’t have to tell me more if it’s too hard?”

I nod my head that I do. “Each night, he would sneak into my bedroom after my mom was asleep. Most nights, my dad would take off only to return sometime in the morning to get ready for work. But I always made sure Blaine was gone before the bar closed, just in case my dad came home drunk off his ass and looking for drama. Eventually, my dad stopped coming home altogether and I didn’t have to worry about Blaine being there. Things moved faster once that happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Cara says.

“Don’t be. All you can control is yourself. I’m still learning that.”

“You don’t have to continue if it’s too much.”

“It’s okay. I’ve never told anyone all of this, but I trust you.” Cara squeezes my hand again and sadly smiles given the circumstances. “One night, Blaine came over and the usual kissing progressed to more. I was scared, but he had this way of making it seem like I owed him things. Of course it wasn’t the case, but he knew how desperate I was for affection. Not physical either, just in the general sense of the word. I would have been fine with a casual friendship, but it wasn’t enough for Blaine. Little by little, he took things farther assuring me he loved me. It had been so long since I heard those words from anyone; I wasn’t sure how to process them. The only way I knew how to show him I loved him was to let him have all of me. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him in return—for him to know I was his. Of course he said all the right things at the right times and I figured my uneasiness was coming from inexperience and not his feelings for me.

Assuming we were officially together considering we had sex and all, I was shocked when I saw him at school kissing another girl at her locker. The very next day, Cara. He didn’t even pretend to hide it either. He came to my window every night for a week begging for me to let him inside. Eventually, I let him convince me his weak moment was a mistake and that it would never happen again. He had a way with words.

Our relationship continued in my room each night, but over time, it was more about sex than anything. Now that he had me, he didn’t say sweet things to me anymore. There was never cuddling, long talks about our future, or plans together. It was purely physical. And when he had his fill, he would leave me alone to fall asleep in a puddle of tears. I tried to bring back the affectionate Blaine I fell for, but it only made him angry. Really angry.”

“Did he hurt you, Sophie?”

One blink is all it takes to bring the tears back. “Yes.” I wipe my tears and continue—my voice shaky from the emotion of retelling the story. “There was no way I could love him or trust him anymore, Cara. He was exactly like my Dad. A liar, a cheat, and a fake.”