Since we had sex, I’ve fallen asleep to memories of our connection almost every night. By replaying him kissing me over and over, I’m able to fall asleep in a blissful state of hyperawareness. On nights I get lucky enough, we meet up in my dreams and get even more comfortable with one another. I never push him away when I’m asleep. If only I could be the same girl during the daytime.

Finishing up my shower, I change in the bathroom so I’m not naked in front of Tyler when I return to my room. It would be disrespectful to his girlfriend, not to mention he and I don’t operate that way around each other. It’s refreshing.

I open my door quietly, so I don’t interrupt his studying. “How’s it going?”

“I’m finishing up. I don’t know how you manage to write everything down, but I’m thankful you do. This will make catching up so much easier. Although next time, I’m using a copy machine.” He shakes out his writing hand and I laugh.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad they’re useful to someone because I like taking notes way more than studying them.”

“I don’t like it either. Oh, before I forget. Kipton called.”

Freezing in place, my face heats. Tyler doesn’t know everything about our history, yet I’m embarrassed at the mention of his name. So much that my hands are shaking causing me to drop my towel twice while trying to hang it up on the hook in the closet. I take a deep breath before responding, making sure my voice is even and nonchalant. “Was he looking for Cara?”

“Yeah. He asked for her, but he asked for you too after I told him she left with Drew.”

I spin around on my heel in surprise. “He did?”

Smiling, Tyler packs up his notebook and places mine on my desk. “I assume you two are well acquainted.”

“Somewhat. He’s Cara’s brother.” I start applying my makeup so I have to look into the mirror and away from Tyler’s knowing eyes. Even though he suspects something, I’m grateful he answered the call. I have no idea what I would have done if I’d been the one to hear Kipton on the other end of the line. Knowing my typical response to his voice, I probably would have panicked and hung up on him.

“And?” he questions.

“What do you mean?” I play dumb hoping he drops the subject.

“Nothing. Nevermind.” Thank the lord.

I finish my makeup and quickly dry my hair before tossing it up in a ponytail. I’ll add some curls to give it some life before I go out tonight. “You ready for dinner?”

“I’m starving. What do you say we have a cheat meal and get some Tex-Mex? There’s a great place right off Main Street.”

Shit. That’s close to Kipton’s house. “Sure. Sounds delicious. I could go for a taco.” In reality I’m not sure how my stomach will hold up. Since ending contact with Kipton, my nightmares have come back in full force. Almost every night I’ve been rushing to the bathroom in the middle of the night, replacing horrible memories with the calmness of a purge. The after effects have been making eating difficult with my stomach often protesting what I put inside it.

The walk is quiet at first before Tyler breaks the silence. “You okay, Soph?”

“I think so.”

“It was the phone call wasn’t it?”

I nod my head. “He’s a hard guy to forget.”

“Why do you have to forget him?”

“I have my reasons. It’s complicated, I guess.”

“It usually is when it’s right.”

“Seriously? I thought it was supposed to be easy when you’re with the right person.”

“Nope. I’m with the right girl and never get to see her. If that’s not complicated I don’t know what is.”

Here I am worrying about avoiding Kipton and Tyler would do anything for a chance to see his girlfriend on a daily basis. “I’m sorry. That would really suck. You must miss her a lot.”

“I do.” For a brief moment his own protective shield falls, but he doesn’t let it stay that way for long. “But enough of the serious shit. Let’s eat ourselves into a food coma.”

“I’m game.”

It turns out I couldn’t stop at one taco—or two. Inhaling my entire main dish along with corn bread, beans, and rice, I’m stuffed by the time we leave the restaurant. The flavors were outrageous although harsh on my scratchy throat. It’s nice to taste something other than the bland dining hall food though.

“You want to stop for frozen yogurt while we’re at it?” Tyler asks.

“I can’t eat another bite, but if you want some, we can.” Silently I pray he doesn’t want to stop. My stomach can’t handle it.

“I guess you’re right. We did enough damage with the tacos.” He rubs his distended stomach and I laugh.

“I’ll race you back.” Taking off, I turn this into a game when in reality, I’m only running because I’m close to throwing up.

“Sophie!” He yells after me. Not one to pass up a challenge, he takes the dare and sprints alongside me with ease. “Can we stop now? I’m going to throw up if I keep this pace.”

“You wimp. Are you going to let a girl beat you?”

“Hell no!” He kicks it up a notch and zips past me. His body inches further and further away from me. Spotting the dorm in the distance, I keep it in my sights knowing that’s the end goal. No match for his longer legs or speed, we meet up again by the fountain. “So what do I get for winning?” he questions triumphantly.

“The honor of knowing you can kick my ass any day of the week.” I clap for him and continue walking. “In running that is. I’d wipe the floor with you on the beam.” It’s my best event and he knows it.

“Considering guys don’t even compete on the beam, Sophie. I’d say you’re right about that.”

He walks me to the front door and gives me a hug. “Thanks for the notes.”

“Thank you for dinner.”

“You’re welcome. See you tomorrow.” We part ways and I run inside the rec room, finding the first available bathroom. After some trial and error, I’ve discovered it’s the least used bathroom in the dorm. As expected, the stalls are all empty and I waste no time sticking my fingers down my throat, helping my body find relief. It doesn’t take much of my own effort before I gag repeatedly, the heat of the spices from the tacos burning my throat and nose. I try to slow down, to ease the stinging pain, but it doesn’t help. Combined with the acidity of my stomach, I’ve created a volcanic eruption of molten lava. I knew it was a bad idea to eat that much considering I’ve been struggling with soup.

I’ve gotten better at gauging when I’ve completely purged. There’s no specific evidence, but rather a notion from within. Satisfied, I wipe the tears from my watery eyes, the exertion causing every muscle to tighten up. I reach for the flusher and pause. Gasping, there’s blood in the toilet and on the back of my hand. It’s happened before, but never this much. With my throat comparable to the grit of sandpaper, I know I have to give myself a rest from vomiting. This isn’t healthy. But I feel ten times better now that I’ve gotten it out of my system. It’s not the same high that comes with a real purge though; this is done out of necessity rather than to right a wrong.

“Was that you in there? Jesus, Sophie,” Cara says.

I hate being caught. It makes me feel even more shameful than I already do. “My Mexican fiesta didn’t agree with me at all.”

She eyes me warily, but says no more about the subject. “Are we still going out tonight?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. That’s if you still want to go.”

“You’re not sick?” She questions.

“Not anymore. I’m doing better actually.” I’ll be one hundred percent as soon as I chug a Gatorade and brush my teeth.

She claps, her excitement spilling over to me. “Okay. I’m so excited to hang out again. Let’s leave in an hour. I have to stop by Drew’s quickly, but I’ll only be a minute.”

I flick my ponytail. “Sure. I’ll start working on this mop of hair.”

My mind still reeling from seeing blood in the toilet, I turn my attention to my hair and work on making myself look presentable. If I do run into Kipton tonight, I don’t want to look like shit. Maybe someday there will be a chance for the two of us to reconnect. Until then, I’ll continue to visit him safely in my dreams where I don’t have to worry about if he’ll leave me, or grow to hate me.