“Sam . . .” Alison began.

“I’m just going inside to lie down. I’m really tired, and want to be alone,” I said, holding up my hand in Tamron and Alison’s direction.

I stood up, walked into the house, and set my drink on the counter in the kitchen as I passed. Climbing the stairs one step at a time, I repeated Emmett’s words over and over in my head. The only room that wasn’t occupied was Emmett’s old room. Fantastic. My only solace away from everyone, was going to be filled with memories that would once have given me happy smiles, and content thoughts. Now I knew it would only bring me a deep pain that I would feel in my soul.

I went to the bathroom and washed the tears from my face even as new ones continued to flow down my splotchy red cheeks. When I lay down on Emmett’s old bed, I hugged his pillow to my chest and lost myself to my sobs.

“Well, that came out of nowhere,” John said.

“Yeah well, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days,” I replied.

“You could have given me a heads up, man. You broke Sam’s heart back there, and I get you’re a mess, but for fuck’s sake, Emmett, was that really the right way to do it?”

“I don’t think there was a right way to do that, no matter the scenario. At least this way, she’s not alone. She’s with friends who clearly love her. It was the best solution I could think of,” I said.

“If you say so,” he answered. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a big mistake. I’m sorry about the whole thing and that you are going through this, and damn man, I’m sorry about Alec too, but you need to cope with that and get back to your life with her ASAP. She’s not one to let go. She’s one to keep and cherish. One to hold onto and grown old with.”

“I know,” was all I could say. The rest of the ride back to the apartment was quiet. The only words spoken were John occasionally asking directions.

My rental car was in the parking lot. I grimaced when I saw it. It made me miss my Camaro. I knew I’d have to start looking for a new car soon. The insurance settlement had come in a few days before, but it wouldn’t compensate for all the hard work Alec, my dad, and I had done restoring my Camaro.

That damn car had so much sentimental value, and now it was gone, just like they were. I had nothing now. I felt empty as I opened the apartment door with my scratched up key. Clearly, the cut nickel I had on the key ring from Aunt Robin had damaged it. It’d been laser cut with a cross in the center of the nickel, and a ring around the edge from which the chain hung by. Aunt Robin had given Alec and me one after Mom and Dad’s funeral service.

“Emmett, are you going to be okay, man?” John asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be all right. I’m going to pack up some clothes and a few things. I’ll just get a hotel room for now.”

“Do you want me to hang here for a while? You don’t have to be alone.”

“No, it’s okay. I think I just really need to be alone for a while.”

“Okay . . . I’m going to leave you to it then, and get back to check on Sam. Knowing her like I do, and wish you still did, she probably bolted for the house as soon as you left. She’s not one for attention and coddling.”

My brow scrunched down at his last words. “Damn it,” I swore. I thought I was doing her a favor by telling her among our friends. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. That was a big part of why I was doing this. “Ok . . . uh, thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime, man,” he replied. “I’ll try to come by next week. I’ve decided to stay here for a while instead of flying back to Alaska, only to turn around and fly back a few months later for the winter.”

He walked over to where I was standing and pulled me into one of those awkward guy hugs. “It’s gonna be okay, Emmett. It has to be. Just don’t give up.”

“Thanks. I hope so. I can’t take much more of this hell.”

“I know. Listen, call me anytime, okay? I’ll see ya around,” he said as he walked out the door.

I packed up a few things, fed and watered Gage, then took him for a quick walk. When I came back, I tossed a few dog toys in the middle of the room and made sure to leave out a chew bone so he would have something to do while waiting for Sam to come home.

I loaded my stuff into the rental car and drove to a hotel five minutes away. It was close to campus and, since I didn’t know how long I’d be staying, made it easier to get to class.

My phone beeped with a text from Riley.

R:

Hey man, are you ok?

Me:

Yeah. No. I will be. I don’t fucking know, man.

R:

You want some company? Quinn and I could come by tomorrow.

Me:

Nah, John just asked the same thing. I need to be alone for a while, so I can come to terms with Alec’s death. Then maybe I can remember Sam again.

R:

Ok, man. Just let us know if you change your mind.

Me:

Thanks, Ry

R:

Anytime, man.

After I checked in and got settled into my hotel room, I sent a text message to Quinn to see how Sam was. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Me:

How is she?

Q:

She cried herself to sleep. In your old room.

Me:

Damn. I feel like a jerk.

Q:

Look, Emmett, we’re worried about you. Are you ok?

Before I could reply my phone beeped again.

Q:

Emmett, this is Tamron, I grabbed Quinn’s phone. Listen, she’ll be ok. Just do what you gotta do and get back with her as soon as you remember again.

Me:

I’m trying.

I set my phone down on the bedside table and plugged it in to the charger. Then I threw a couple water bottles into the mini fridge. I unpacked my clothes and put my bathroom stuff away. It wasn’t until I sat down and took a long sip of whiskey from the mini bar that I even realized I’d poured it. I decided it wasn’t time yet to cut back. I’d just left Sam and felt emptier than I’d imagined I would feel.

I knew Alec would be in my dreams again. He always was. The difference now was, I was alone in my grief. I knew Sam missed and mourned Alec too, but, when I was alone, it felt even harder to bear. So I brought the glass to my mouth again and tossed the contents back, relishing in the burn it left behind in my throat.

Pouring another, I closed my eyes and recalled Sam’s expression when I told her I was leaving. I felt torn, relieved that I wouldn’t have to see her disappointment every time she looked at me, but there was also the part of me that felt like a complete and utter asshole for leaving her.

I found myself pouring another two fingers of whiskey into my glass and just sat there alone, staring at the amber liquid. I tossed that glass back too, and decided to sleep the day, the night, and the whiskey off. Lying down and closing my eyes, I let my mind drift off to oblivion.

But that night, unlike so many nights since my accident, I didn’t dream of Alec. Instead, I dreamed of beaches and sunsets with tangled bodies and wide-open black skies with shimmering stars, of laughter and teasing smiles.