And then he’s inside me.

Forceful.  Possessive.  Undeniable.

He takes. I give.

He asks. I answer.

Finally, I am glass.  Splintering. Separating. Reflecting.

A hundred colors.  A thousand lights.  A million emotions.  Flying. Colliding. Swirling.

This is when I know without a doubt that I’m in love with Cole Danzer.

⌘⌘⌘⌘

I’m lying limp against Cole’s side. I didn’t ask him to stay. He didn’t tell me he was leaving.  He just picked me up when I couldn’t stand anymore and carried me over here to the rug. Our rug.

I trace the letters that dance gracefully up his ribs on his left side.  Always.  I’ve admired his tattoos many times, but since I’ve been close enough to ask him about them, I’m always too absorbed with his presence, with his touch to ask.  But now I have to know.  Even though I’m almost afraid to ask about them, I’ve come too far to stop now. If I’m to find a way to keep him, I need to know everything.  I can’t fix it if I don’t know about it.

“What does this mean?” I ask quietly, the first word spoken between us since he told me there was nothing else he could give me.  I still disagree. I just have to make him see it.

“It’s for Charity.  She’ll always be closest to my heart.”

I gulp.  Another reiteration of how he will never let me any closer?  I don’t know, but I have to make him understand that Emmy and I will never replace his daughter. I would never want for us to.  But surely he can love us all.  Surely.

“You don’t need words on your skin for her to be close to you. She’s your child. You’ll never be without her.  Not really.  She’s a part of you.  Just like Emmy is a part of me.  Nothing and no one could ever change that.”

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have room to love someone else, too, I add silently, wishing he could read my mind.

I swallow my sigh when he makes no comment.  “What about the other side?” I ask, referring to the script I’ve seen there.  Never. “What does it mean?”

“Never means a lot of things,” he says enigmatically.  Another hint at what we will never have? What he can never give?

“What does it mean to you?”

“Never forget.  Never again.  There are a lot of nevers in my life.”

I feel tears sting my eyes.  “Am I a never now?”

“I think you always were.”

TWENTY-SIX

Eden

THANKSGIVING WENT BY in Miller’s Pond practically unnoticed. Emmy and I just had turkey pot pies at the house.  But Christmas… Christmas is another matter altogether.  I know the instant I open the door at Bailey’s that this is a town that loves Christmas.

“Ho ho ho, ya hoser!” Jordan greets merrily from behind the counter. She’s wearing a risqué Santa costume that includes a Santa hat, a cleavage-flaunting red top trimmed in white fur, and skin-tight black leather pants.  Her wide black belt has a buckle as big as Emmy’s head and it’s encrusted with flashy faux diamonds.  She’s very…eye-catching.  And very Jordan.

“Hi, Jordan,” I call as Emmy and I head for the long bar.  I told her we’d get a grilled cheese for lunch and then do our shopping.

The only two empty stools are between a guy named Cody that I’ve seen here before and an old wino that I’m not sure ever leaves.  I put Emmy beside Cody and then I slide onto the stool beside the wino.  He’s swaying slightly, evidently already obliterated at quarter til twelve on a weekday.  The best thing I can say about him is that at least he doesn’t stink.  Granted, he might actually bathe in alcohol, as strongly as he smells of it, but that’s better than body odor.

He gives me a bleary smile and then returns his attention to the flat screen mounted on the wall that separates the bar from the kitchen behind it.  Cody smiles and nods at me when I turn to help Emmy out of her jacket.

“Ladies.”

I smile in return.  Emmy leans toward me, slipping her thumb into her mouth.  She at least smiles around it, though, when Jordan comes slinking down to take our order.  She smells like alcohol, too, but at least she’s more functional than the old man beside me.

“You two ready for Christmas?” she asks, leaning a curvy hip against the counter.

“We’re running behind, but we’ll catch up this week,” I explain, thinking that I probably really do need to get up to Ashbrook to get some decorations and buy a few things for Emmy.

“If you need someone to watch the little princess while you do your shopping, just say the word. I’m great with kids.”  She winks at Emmy.  Emmy turns her face into my side.

“I bet you’d make a great mom,” Cody says from beside Emmy.   His soft blue eyes are fixed appreciatively on Jordan. I’ve noticed him watching her before. I’ve heard him say kind and complimentary things before, too.  Jordan always waves him off, though.  Like she’s doing now.  It makes me wonder if she’s overlooking something good that’s right in front of her eyes.

“You must be as drunk as she is, Cody,” Jason says as he appears down the bar at the cash register. He opens the till and removes some receipts from under the cash slots.  Jordan blanches under her makeup.  I’ve noticed she’s reacting less and less flippantly to her brother’s cruel teasing.  It makes me worry about her.  She’s had enough abuse from the people in this town, apparently, and the last thing she needs is more from her brother.

“I’m sober enough to see her brother for the asshole he is,” Cody rebuts with a grin.

“Don’t make me come down there, man,” Jason replies amicably.

Cody looks over at me.  “He’s all bark and not a damn bit of bite.”

“I heard that,” Jason sing-songs over his shoulder as he disappears again into his office.

“He just doesn’t see that all his sister needs is the love of a good man and she’d be right as rain.”  Cody winks at me and I grin, too.  Oh yeah.  He’s definitely got a thing for Jordan.

Jordan’s smile is less bright when she clears her throat and tries to get back to business.  “What are we eating, girls?”

I order lunch for Emmy and myself, and before Jordan leaves, Cody stands and tosses some bills onto the bar.

“Thanks for lunch, Jordan.  Catch you later.”

“Bye, Cody,” she says, swiping up the cash and palming his plate.  “See you later.”

“Count on it,” he says, smiling widely at her as he pushes through the door.

Jordan puts his dirty plate in a gray bus-pan and then tallies up his bill at the cash register, pocketing the change he left for tip. After she puts our lunch order ticket on the spinning wheel in the corner of the kitchen window, she comes back to clean up the bar where Cody sat.

As she drops his silverware into his empty glass and begins wiping the bar clean, I speak quietly to her.  “I think Cody really has a thing for you, Jordan.”  I use my best girl-conspirator tone.  I just want to feel her out on the situation. Overstepping my bounds would not be a good idea.

She doesn’t look up at me and her smile is a sad one.  “He just thinks he does.  What would a nice guy like that want with someone like me?”

“What do you mean?  What’s wrong with you?  You’re beautiful, funny, smart. And you make a heck of a Mrs. Claus,” I add, eyeing her outfit.

“I’m nothing any decent man would want to take home. Unless it’s just for the night.”

This isn’t like Jordan. She’s usually so ballsy, so confident. It’s heartbreaking to see her so…down.

I reach over to put my hand over hers, stilling it and drawing her eyes to me.  They’re glistening and I realize how near tears she is.  My heart breaks even more for her. And I could just strangle her brother and her ex for making her this kind of a wreck.

“Jordan, don’t sell yourself short. You’re worth more than one night and you can’t let anyone convince you otherwise. I know it. Cody knows it.  Jason knows it, too. He’s just too big of a butt to admit it.”  I’d like to call him something much nastier, but little listening ears preclude me from doing so.