I could feel my heart banging against my rib cage.

‘Alex,’ she said quietly. ‘Don’t look so scared. You must do this sort of thing all the time.’

‘I…’

‘Come on.’

She took my hand and let me lead her towards my bedroom. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. This was going against the stuff Siobhan had talked about. This was still the first date, and here we were, heading towards the bedroom. Maybe, I thought, Siobhan is out of touch. She is a bit older than Emily and me, after all.

In my bedroom, I turned the bedside lamp on and sat on the bed. Emily shimmied out of her skirt, sat down and leaned towards me. We kissed. Her mouth tasted sweet and earthy.

‘Let me put some music on,’ I said, when we came up for air.

‘Good idea. Have you got any Adele?’

‘Um… No.’ Shit, I knew I should have followed the crowd and bought that album. ‘I’ve got Rumer’s album though.’

Emily had clearly never heard of her, but she nodded. I found it on iTunes, clicked Play, then headed back towards the bed. Emily lay back on the sheets. ‘I want you,’ she said, and I gulped.

Emily watched as I unbuttoned my shirt, sucking in my stomach as I reached the lower buttons. At the same time, Emily hoisted her jumper over her head. Her navel was pierced, a pale blue stone winking at me. She was wearing a white bra, her nipples visible through the fabric. The bra seemed too small for her breasts: the flesh appeared to be straining to be set free, and a moment later Emily obliged, reaching behind her to unfasten the garment.

Wearing just my boxer shorts I knelt on the bed and kissed her, moving my mouth from her lips to her neck, then taking a nipple in my mouth. She grabbed the hairs at the nape of my neck. We kissed again, our mouths wet, Emily reaching down to stroke my penis through the fabric of my shorts.

‘Help me,’ she said, looking down at her knickers.

I pulled them slowly down over her thighs, kissing her wispy strip of pubic hair as I did so, making her laugh. Her flesh was so pale, a few freckles dotted here and there. I could smell her, that sweet, unique smell, and I heard a sudden intake of breath as I stroked the inside of her thighs.

I moved upwards again and kissed her neck, feeling her hands go down to my shorts, pushing them down. All the while, I felt detached, as if I was watching myself do this, as if this wasn’t really me. But it was me. I was wriggling out of my underwear when that thought really struck home: this is real.

Suddenly, I felt gripped by nerves. I heard Emily say, ‘Have you got any condoms?’

‘What?’

‘Condoms. Rubber things.’ She smiled in the half-light.

‘Yes.’ I pulled open the drawer of my bedside cabinet and groped through it. I had some Durex that I’d bought from a pub vending machine a few months ago, one night when I thought I might be able to find someone to come home with me. I found them and pulled a condom out, knowing as I did so that something had just gone wrong.

‘Oh, shit,’ I said.

‘What is it? Did it break?’

‘No.’ I sat there, holding the condom in my hand, looking down at my penis. There was no way a condom was going to go on while it was in that state.

Emily smiled. ‘Don’t worry.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be silly. And if you say this is the first time this has happened I’ll be really offended.’

‘But…

She shushed me and leaned in to kiss me again. She opened her eyes. ‘You’re trembling. Are you cold?’

’No, I’m…’

‘Come on, let’s get under the covers.’

She pulled the quilt up over us. I felt so stupid. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I feel so nervous? I felt wretched with shame. I wanted to get up, leave the room, ask Emily to go home, so I could go back to my sad, solo existence. I moved to leave the bed but Emily stopped me.

‘Alex, it doesn’t matter. Stop worrying and just kiss me.’

I did.

‘And there are other ways to make me happy, you know.’

Her flesh was so warm and her voice was so soft. Even though my penis still wasn’t behaving, I knew I wanted to be here with her: this close to someone, this intimate. I slid under the quilt and trailed kisses over her breasts and belly, down between her legs. I kissed her, then licked her lightly, circling her clitoris with my tongue. I heard her groan, far off in the distance, then I continued to lick her, feeling her thighs press against my ears, hearing the roar of the ocean as she covered them. She tasted salty and sweet. She tasted delicious.

When she came, she bucked so hard she nearly broke my nose.

We lay together in the darkness, the bedside lamp now switched off, Emily stroking my chest as we talked in low murmurs. After a while, I felt myself drifting off, having resigned myself to the fact that my stupid bastard body wasn’t going to do what I wanted it to.

I don’t know how many hours had passed when I woke up, emerging into a half-asleep state, my muscles fully relaxed. I could feel something stroking my penis – my hard penis.

I could barely see Emily, just feel her, her breasts and thighs brushing against me, her fingers stroking me delicately. Then she pulled herself on top of me. She was quite heavy, but it was a welcome weight, especially when she took hold of me again and guided me into her. For a second, as I stared into the near-darkness, I saw Siobhan sitting astride me, her eyes closed in an expression of bliss. But in the same moment, that vision disappeared, wiped out by a flash of light inside my head, a rush of colours.

‘God...’

I was dimly aware that I wasn’t wearing a condom, but it was too late to stop. The sensation was too sublime, the relief that I wasn’t a flaccid failure too great. Emily came forward and kissed me and a moment later I came.

She kissed me again and lay on top of me for a while. Then I heard and half-saw her get out of bed and pad down the hallway to the bathroom.

‘We didn’t use a condom,’ I said when she came back to bed, her body cool against mine.

‘It will be okay,’ she said.

And now it’s the next morning, and Emily’s just gone – she’s going to be late; hope she doesn’t get in trouble. We’re going to meet again tonight. She said she’ll bring over a bottle of wine, a video and a pizza. It’s bizarre. It’s as if…as if I have a girlfriend.

Something happened before Emily left that showed me that she really likes me. The phone rang and Emily answered it because I was in the toilet.

‘Who was it?’ I asked when I came out.

‘I don’t know. They hung up as soon as I said hello.’ She looked suspicious. ‘You don’t have another girlfriend, do you?’

‘No – of course not.’

She looked at me for a few moments, eventually saying, ‘Hmm.’

Then she kissed me goodbye. And when she left I had to suppress the urge to run around the room punching the air. She had slept with me. She wanted to see me again. And, not only that, she had got jealous because she thought another woman had called for me.

I almost felt like calling Siobhan to tell her she didn’t need to worry about me pursuing her any more – not now I’ve found someone who likes me.

Chapter 19

Siobhan

Thursday

I’d been trying to work up the courage to call Alex all week. Rehearsing in my head what I’d say to make him give me back my money; whether I’d be calm and reasonable, or threaten him, or maybe even shout – although I’m not a good shouter. I feel like a faulty valve on a pressure cooker when I shout – once I start, I can’t stop, and that terrible feeling of spiralling out of control always ends in tears. So no, I dismissed the idea of yelling at him. Calm and reasonable with a hint of a threat would be best, I decided. A little reminder that his four weeks is almost up, and I need my money back. I’ve had the clothes, including the lingerie, cleaned, and I put them all in a bag – a nice Karen Millen bag with string handles, not a crappy Tesco carrier or anything – ready to hand to him in case he wants them back in exchange for the cash.