‘So that’s a result. I’m made up for you – at least that means you’ve got him off your case for good.’

‘But what about my money?’

She groaned again. ‘For Christ’s sake, Siobhan, forget the money. For a start, you’ve got some lovely clothes out of it. You look great in them, and you’d never normally have spent so much on gear. Look at it as if you’ve treated yourself! I know he’s a freak, but if you’re not prepared to tell the police, then the only thing you can do is keep quiet, hang on to the nice clothes, and forget about the money.’

‘I can’t. It’s the principle.’

‘Then I’m not going to talk to you about it anymore. You’re behaving completely irrationally. I will say it one more time: you should have told the police. You chose not to. So change your mind and tell them, or get over it.’

I hung up on her. She tried to ring me back immediately, but I unplugged the telephone and went to sit by the window. I stared out into the street, stroking Biggles with the long hard squeezing motion that he likes best, not thinking about anything in particular except the fact that, deep down, I guessed that Paula was probably right. It was too late to go to the police now, so I should just let it drop.

But it wouldn’t let me go. I could feel Alex, smell the potent mixture of his aftershave and my own fear, all the time. I wanted to punch out at him, hurt him, for having all that misdirected emotion; for getting it so wrong. How come he was so fucked up with me, and yet now seemed to be having a perfectly normal relationship with somebody else? It didn’t make sense. The confusion of it all seemed to be fanning the sparks of my anger at him into something bigger and even more preoccupying.

I was beginning to worry about myself.

Chapter 20

Alex

Saturday

Emily came over again last night. I spent much of the afternoon fretting that it was all going to go disastrously wrong, that we’d be clumsy with one another; the flame we had kindled snuffed out by post-first-date awkwardness. But I needn’t have worried. Emily grabbed and kissed me almost as soon as she’d stepped through the door. Five minutes later we were in bed, and this time I didn’t wilt. I was All Man. A rock. Eleven and a half stone of surging testosterone. We made love, and then we made love again.

It was incredible. Every time she smiles I get this weird feeling in my stomach. And she really makes me laugh. She says such silly things, and she’s so sweet and naïve. She makes me want to protect her, wrap my arms around her and shield her from the harsh world. She was telling me about her childhood, about this girl who used to bully her at school, and I can tell she still feels hurt by the experience even though it was more than ten years ago. She told me she can’t cope with confrontation, or aggression. If anyone’s mean to her at work it can leave her feeling upset for days.

Now she’s just kissed me goodbye, and I’m a bit delirious. I feel euphoric, a warm liquid feeling flowing through me like honey… but the silver lining has a cloud:

Siobhan.

While Emily and I were lying in bed, blissed out and post-coital, not caring about the damp patch beneath us (it’s so nice to share a damp patch with someone after all this time!) I had a sudden, horrific realisation: Siobhan’s letter, asking for repayment, was lying on my desk, face up and in full view of anyone who happened to glance down at the desk. Suddenly, I couldn’t concentrate on what Emily was saying. What if she saw the letter, with its matter-of-fact summary of all I’d done? What would I say?

I’d already decided not to tell Emily about Siobhan. Not because I want to keep secrets from her but…well, how would I explain it? When I think about how I behaved, how stupid I was, I feel sick and have to try to push the memories away. I haven’t forgotten about Siobhan – I can’t just turn my feelings off, despite what’s happened with Emily. But Siobhan rejected me, and I know I acted like…well, all I can say is that I’m not proud of myself. I thought I was in love with Siobhan, but I think it was just because I was so lonely. I was looking for someone to save me, and I really believed that Siobhan was the one. But I was so wrong.

It’s as if Emily has cast a brilliant light that makes me see everything clearly, including the shadows. When I’m lying next to Emily and I think about the things I did to try to get close to Siobhan, I feel wretched. Look how simple things are with Emily; how straightforward. This is the way it’s supposed to be. And maybe I’m just trying to excuse myself, but it’s as if I was ill, and now Emily has made me feel better. It’s like I’ve had an epiphany. And a chance for redemption.

So right now I want to be able to forget the last few months, erase them as if I’m dragging a file into the trash, start afresh. But how can I do that? I can’t forget it ever happened – not until I’ve paid Siobhan the money I owe her.

Every time I feel a ray of happiness warm me, I think about how I’m going to pay Siobhan back and I feel cold again...

After a while, Emily got up to go to the loo, and I shot over to my desk, stepping over the two used condoms, and hid the letter under a big pile of paper. I was just about to get back into bed when I heard a scream.

I rushed out into the hall and collided with a naked Emily, who was running back into my bedroom. She dragged me back into the bedroom, her cheeks pink.

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘I was coming out of the loo when the front door opened.’

‘What?’

‘Natalie and Simon are back from their trip.’ She laughed. ‘Poor Simon didn’t know where to look.’

‘God,’ I said, ‘you had me worried. I thought that maybe we had an intruder.’

‘Hi Alex,’ called Simon from outside the room. ‘Hi Emily.’

Giggling stupidly, Emily and I climbed back under the covers. ‘I bet he did know where to look,’ I said.

‘Oh yeah? Where?’

‘Right… here.’

Later, after Emily had gone, I went into the kitchen where I found Si and Nat making lunch.

Simon raised an eyebrow. ‘I don’t know, we go away for a few days and look what happens. From monk to lothario. What a transformation.’

I turned to Natalie. She looked well. ‘How do you feel?’

She nodded. ‘Better. Not one hundred per cent, but…’

Simon put his arm round her and they exchanged a look that, just a week or two ago would have made me feel envious, if not ill. But now, it made me feel all… God, I feel really embarrassed writing this, but it made feel all glowy.

Now, I understand what it feels like to be part of a couple.

It feels fucking great.

This afternoon, I decided it was time to find a job. A decent one. Something to keep me fully stimulated until my writing career takes off. I updated my CV and went out to buy the local paper to see what the employment world had to offer.

There were simply dozens of opportunities – if you want to work in telesales or as a care assistant. What a choice. Wiping arses or speaking to them. Still, I thought, tomorrow’s paper might have some fantastic opportunity that will help me earn the cash to settle with Siobhan.

In the meantime, I decided to work on my short stories. I’ve written a few, mainly about my travelling experiences, and I was starting another one – about an unemployed guy who falls in love with two women – when Simon knocked on the door.

‘Phone.’

It must be Emily, I thought, a smile broadening to a grin as I walked towards the living room. What would we do tonight, I wondered? Maybe we could try out her bed for a change.

I picked up the receiver and said a cheery, ‘Hi.’

‘Alex?’

A snowball exploded in my stomach.

‘Hello, Alex?’

It was a voice I hadn’t heard for a long time. I was unable to speak; I felt my throat close up. I just stood there, holding the receiver, feeling as if I was going to throw up. She said my name a couple more times and then, finally, I spoke: ‘Mum?’