When Elaine said that Kathy was the love of her life, my first thought hadn’t been, ‘That’s how I feel about Emily’. It had been, ‘That’s how I felt about Siobhan.’ Except it wasn’t just past tense.

It isn’t past tense at all.

Emily rang the doorbell and, after a few moments in which my heart performed several somersaults that would have taken gold at the last Olympics, Siobhan opened the door.

She looked like she’d been out on the town, her lips stained with red wine. She was wearing the Prada clothes I’d bought her – but they had paint all over them. Seeing her made me catch my breath. She looked incredibly sexy – and also shocked. And very pissed off.

Just as Emily did.

‘It’s you!’ Emily said. ‘From the coffee shop. I don’t believe it.’

Siobhan looked from Emily to me. ‘What is going on, Alex?’

She said my name. Said it so naturally, like it was a name she used every day. I gulped.

‘What’s going on,’ said Emily, waving the journal, ‘is that I’ve just discovered all about you and Alex and other rats – ones that come in a sealed envelope. And I want…I want…’ Emily trailed off. I guess she hadn’t thought that far ahead.

‘You’d better come in,’ Siobhan said quietly, looking over our shoulders where her neighbours’ curtains twitched. And we went with her into her living room. I noticed immediately that there were birthday cards on the mantelpiece.

‘Is it your birthday today?’ I asked.

She nodded.

‘Happy birthday.’

Siobhan laughed. Not just a chuckle but a big, loud belly laugh.

Emily stood there with her mouth open. ‘What’s so funny?’

‘This is just so bizarre.’ She was a bit drunk as well, I realised now. ‘Here you both are, wishing me a happy birthday. And, Emily – Emily Norris-Bottom,’ she giggled, ‘it looks like you brought me a present.’

Siobhan reached out for the journal and Emily raised it to give it to her. But before Siobhan could take it, I grabbed it and took a couple of steps backward.

‘What is it?’ Siobhan asked, squinting at it. ‘Is it your book?’

I said, ‘Do you remember at the writing class you told us to keep a journal? This is it. I’ve kept it completely up to date.’

‘And you’re the star,’ Emily said to Siobhan.

I sighed. ‘That isn’t true. But what this journal represents,’ I said, holding it up, ‘is the past. And earlier tonight, I made a decision. A big decision. I decided that it’s time for a new beginning. I’ve done some idiotic things over the last few months. But now I’m going to move on. Alone.’ I gave Emily a meaningful look. Her mouth fell open again.

I took my cigarette lighter out of my pocket and sparked a flame, setting the edge of the journal alight. I threw the whole thing into the fireplace, where the remains of a fire still glowed red. A cloud of malevolent-looking ashes rose, then settled slowly back down again. Emily gasped and tried to get past me to retrieve the pages but I held her back, and, anyway, it was too late. The fire had taken hold, and the pages started to float up the chimney, the smell of them filling the room. All those words; my life since the middle of last September. Up in smoke.

Emily was trembling, staring into the flames. ‘That’s right,’ she said. ‘Burn the evidence. There’s still a copy on your computer, though.’

‘I deleted it. While you were in the toilet.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she said, tapping the side of her head. ‘It’s all in here.’ She turned to Siobhan. ‘Enjoy him while you can.’

She walked out of the room and out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

‘This is too much,’ said Siobhan. ‘I need to sit down.’

I could see her looking at the ash on the carpet, a frown line creasing her brow. She looked so adorable.

She sat on the sofa and I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do.

‘What did she mean, “Enjoy him while you can?”’

‘She meant…’ But instead of explaining, I said, ‘I’m still in love with you.’

Siobhan looked into my eyes. I held her gaze. There were butterflies the size of crows going mental in my stomach. Behind me, I sensed the fire going out. But in front of me, Siobhan touched the sofa beside her and said in a soft voice, ‘Sit down.’

I did what she said. The room was silent except for the hum of electricity and the rustle of fabric as Siobhan reached out for me.

‘This whole situation,’ Siobhan whispered, ‘is completely fucked up. Isn’t it?’

‘More than you know,’ I said.

‘What’s Emily going to do?’

‘I don’t care.’

She took hold of my hand. Her skin was warm. Then she smiled and said, ‘I don’t think we’ve been introduced.’

‘I . . ?’ Then I looked into her eyes, at the way she was looking at me, and I got it. The way people who are meant to be together understand each other. This was going to be our fresh start. Just for this moment, we had no history. I said, ‘My name’s Alex. Nice to meet you.’

‘Nice to meet you too, Alex. I’m Siobhan.’

She kissed me. She tasted of ash and wine.

‘Siobhan. That’s a beautiful name.’

I kissed her.

‘Thank you.’

She unfastened the top button of my shirt and slid her hand across my collarbone.

‘Let’s go upstairs.’

She was even more beautiful than I imagined. I breathed her in, put my head against her silk skin and listened to the blood inside her body. I kissed her hair and felt the flutter of her eyelashes against my cheek. I kissed her mouth and smelled the wine that stained her lips. I put my mouth between her legs and she tasted even better than I’d dreamed. I slid inside her and she whispered, ‘Slowly.’

After we’d made love, we lay pressed together with a purring cat lying on top of the quilt by our feet. And we talked – for hours. I don’t have time to record everything we said. I don’t want to. But we both spoke without inhibition about the way we felt, about the future and what we wanted. Siobhan commented again upon the amazing fucked-upness of our situation, although we both avoided mentioning the less impressive parts of our unconventional courtship. This was our new beginning, after all.

I told her I loved her. I told her about Kathy and Elaine, terrified as I was telling it that she would pull away from me. But she just listened quietly, then said, ‘From now on, you have to make me a promise. No more lies. No more running away from the truth. No more keeping journals that need to be burned because they’re full of so many secrets.’

She was quiet for a moment. ‘Did you read my diary when you hid in here before?’

‘A bit of it.’

‘What did you read?’

I smiled in the candlelight. ‘Oh, something about wanting a man with a dick like a truncheon who’ll make you come three times in one night.’

She laughed. ‘So, are you going to give me what I want?’

‘Um – well, I don’t know about the truncheon bit – it’s more of a...’

‘Alex?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Shut up.’

At six o’clock the next morning the doorbell rang. I got up and looked out the front window. There was a police car parked by Siobhan’s front gate. Emily, I found out a little later, had called the police and told them that I had confessed to her that I’d murdered Kathy.

‘Oh shit.’ I beckoned Siobhan over to the window. ‘How far do you think I’ll get if I slip out the back door?’

She shook her head. ‘No more lies, remember, Alex. No more hiding. Just go and tell them the truth. I’m sure they’ll believe you.’

They believed me alright - like I believe in the tooth fairy. They questioned me for hours, and by the end of the day they’d found several people who’d seen me with Kathy that evening in the pub. I told them to go and talk to Elaine Meadows. And they did. But when they got there she wasn’t in the flat.

She was dead.

Her body was lying in exactly the same spot where Kathy’s body had been found.