Victor’s mercurial, green eyes sharpened ashe sat forward. His mouth parted and a pained sigh fluttered pasthis lips. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” he clenched histeeth.

“Would the reason have mattered?”

Her question went unanswered and he sat backand sunk into the chair. There was an almost imperceptible note ofremorse on his face as he reached a hand out to her.

“Now you know I’m invested, Mr. Black, andI’m not going anywhere.”

20:Clash

While Victor lay next to Elsa with his chestto her back, the names of his Chapters kept slipping through histhoughts, and the undeniable and dreadful facts of everything hehad done to them all in the name of helping them. His recentceaseless inward questions were maddening and eating away at theprotective outer shell he had carefully created over the years. Hethought by getting closer to knowing who the Cambridge Killer was,these thoughts would dissipate, but they only seemed tointensify.

Unwanted guilt weighed heavily on his heartfor having allowed Elsa to go to jail. Of course he would take careof everything and have the charges dropped, but it wouldn’t takeaway the betrayal she was feeling. He was simply trying to make hersee the danger in falling for him. Hell, he never expected her toreally go through with it. He had never met anyone so fuckingresilient to his methods. He was convinced that his punishment wasexactly what she needed to see that he was a hopeless case, butwhat he hadn’t anticipated was the look of desolation on her faceor the admission that there was a legitimate reason for her havingbeen late.

When he observed her standing in front of thewindow, he found it admirable to watch herstruggle. It was a redeeming quality for her to continue fightingagainst her own will and commonsense to accept his sentence evenwhile knowing triumph was all but a fleeting memory. Herstubbornness and admission that she was still invested in the gamewas a shocking testimony of the depths of her loyalty forhim and he began to wonder just what outcome she expected betweenthe two of them. As he lay in the dark room pondering what it wasshe saw him, he was simultaneously lost and found in her as hisbreathing slowly matched hers.

Elsa wasn’t sleeping but wasn’t speakingeither. She was waiting for something, but he had no idea what. Shewas hurt and angry, and could he blame her? She had proven herselfworthy of his time and effort, but was he worthy of her? Fuck,no, he wasn’t. What did she think she was accomplishing bystaying ‘invested’? It was infuriating that he couldn’t figure herout. The others were so easily readable. God damn her and herlight.

Slowly she rose from the bed and begandressing.

Feeling rebuffed, Victor sat up on the edgeof bed. “I haven’t dismissed you.”

“It’s after midnight. It’s Monday. I have towork,” she stated without emotion as she seated herself on the edgeof the bed to put her shoes on.

Holding onto her shoulders, he turned herbody toward him so he could see her eyes. Damn if they weren’t themost stunning ones to ever look back him… Sadness flickered in herchestnut irises and only a hint of the light she spoke about.

“Your light is diminishing,” he said quietly,knowing full well he was the reason why.

A momentary look of discomfort crossed herface before she stood again and pulled her coat on. “I’m sorryyou’ve been hurt, Victor, but nothing you ever do is going tochange who I am and no amount of malice you show me is going todouse my light.”

He sat stunned as she stared at him. How thehell did she know he had been hurt? Was he the one that was easilyreadable? He flashed back to his three-word confession: yes,I’ve loved. That statement in and of itself was enough to letonto his pain and he was pissed at himself for having said it. Hefucking knew better than to do something so ignorant.

“What do you see when you look at me?” sheasked as she seated herself next to him.

He said the first thing that came to hismind. “You’re beautiful.”

She shook her head. “I mean reallylook at me; deeper than my surface appearance. Am I unique?”

Her question left a burning imprint on himand he answered honestly while skimming his fingertips down herarm. “Absolutely.”

“Do you think I’m intelligent?” her eyesimplored him.

“Without a doubt.” His hand moved to her backwhere he traced the vertebrae of her spine.

“Do you think I’m strong or weak?”

He offered a small smile and nodded his head.“Definitely strong.”

She regarded him with somber curiosity. “IfI’m all those things, then what exactly are you trying to ‘help’ mebe?”

With that one question, he ran out ofexcuses.

“I’m trying my best to please you, but I’m adirect reflection of you and your guidance, Victor. If you show mehonesty, you’ll get honesty in return. If you show me kindness,then I’ll give you kindness and obedience. But if you showme nothing but heartlessness and cruelty, then what do you expectto get in return?”

A pain squeezed his chest. He had no answersfor her.

As if tired of the silence, she turned andwalked out without saying anything more, leaving him to sit in hislonely denial of what his life had become.

***

Elsa crawled into her bed with theoverwhelming urge to break down, but she refused. She had criedenough. She forced herself to see the goodness in Victor eventhough it was a difficult thing to do.

She listed off his positive qualities in hermind: Sometimes kind. Occasionally gentle. Always brave. Then hisnegative: Constantly withdrawn. Habitually secretive. Repeatedlycruel. It was like a slap to the face when she listed them outbecause she knew which list was the most revealing.

She also knew what the smart thing to do was:run like hell.

Even so, she had gotten through to him. Shecould see it in his eyes when she asked what he wanted her to be.She was so close to breaking him down, she could feel it. She onlyhoped she could hold out and get through to him before she had amental break down.

She woke late Monday morning and called outof work. She was still too mentally fatigued and knew it would bepointless going in. Digging into her backpack, she found theshredded, photocopied notes and attempted to patch them up withtape. When they were reassembled, she laid them out on her tablebut stepped away. She wasn’t ready to read them, not after what Mr.Black had put her through the previous day.

Most of the morning was spent laying on hercouch in yoga pants and Victor’s t-shirt, listening to upbeat musicto try and sway her mood in a positive direction. It wasn’thelping. Late afternoon she finally decided to eat even though shehad no appetite. Seated at the table with a sandwich, her eyesdrifted to the pages laid out…

Eight is still trying to figure me out. Whata fucking joke. I can’t be figured out. Can’t she see who I reallyam? I’m Mr. Black: a man who enjoys the emotional and physicaltorment he causes. She will learn the hard way that there is nolight in me…

Elsa pushed her chair back and tossed herfood into a nearby trashcan. She just couldn’t read or eatanymore.

A knock on the door startled her and shepromptly scooped up the papers and put them in her bag. Through thepeephole she could see Victor holding two medium boxes in his hand.Hesitantly, she opened the door. She hoped he wasn’t there to talkabout what happened because her feelings were still too raw todiscuss and she feared she would confess herself to him.

He offered her a nervous smile as he entered.When he moved past her, she smelled not food but his signaturecologne. Placing the items on the table he reached for her andhauled her into his embrace. His large arms felt so good aroundher, but the misery of the previous day still haunted her.