“Because I love you. I always will,” her words came out strained.

"You said you wouldn't say that again until I earned it."

"You have earned it, Victor. And my forgiveness.”

31: Blackened Heart

Hours had passed without Victor saying one single word to Elsa. He had simply sat in the chaise reading the letter over and over as he slowly came to grips with what it revealed. He had emotionally withdrawn from her and she had fallen asleep on the floor at his feet.

When she felt her body being lifted and placed onto the couch, she woke and sat up to face him as he sat on the coffee table in front of her.

She feared what his answer would be, but the question lingering in her mind needed to be asked. “Now that you’re not the person you thought you were, now that your future is unwritten, now that the game is over, what becomes of us? Where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t plan for this… I’m so lost.” The command that was usually in his voice was gone. When she reached out to him, he stood, grabbed her coat off the floor and handed it to her. “You should go, Elsa.”

A sob welled up in her and a deep sense of déjà vu struck her as she robotically moved toward the door. After all this time, after all their angst and drama, they were right back to where they had left off; her now standing with her hand on the knob, ready to walk away from him. Only this time, it would really be forever. Her heart ached like it had before, but more intensely. She loved him, and even more than before. And still, he just stood there like he did that fateful last day with him, withdrawing from her and pushing her away.

Slowly she turned away and turned the knob. Forever. She had survived his loss before; she was strong; she could do it again. She repeated the words over and over in her mind, trying to convince herself of what she knew was a lie. The door cracked open, an arctic gust of wind pushing it open and chilling the tears on her lashes. There would be no getting over him this time…

The bright moonlight poured into the darkened entry way and she gazed up at it. It would be a long night. The darkness would last forever. There would be no more sun in her future. No more light. What little bit she had left flickered out as she stepped forward, reluctantly ready to move forward with a future without Victor.

“This isn’t permanent, Elsa. It’s just until I get my mind right,” she heard over her shoulder. She couldn’t bear to look at him and stood motionless in the threshold of the door. “I know I shouldn’t ask you to wait. I know it wouldn’t be fair, but…” he pulled her back inside by her upper arm. “I’m asking you to wait…” his voice was a low, aching rasp that curled through her on a wave of heat.

“Don’t make me leave, Victor,” she began to cry. “Don’t make me leave you again.” His arms crushed her, pulling her firmly against his chest. Nuzzling his face into her hair, his hot panting breath could be felt on her ear. “I don’t want to you go, but I’m sick. I need help. I don’t want to hurt you…”

Facing him, she melted under his gaze. “You promised when the game was over that…”

“I know what I fucking promised,” he gripped her by the shoulders harshly, his glassy gaze burning into her. “I don’t care.” His words came out strained and he suddenly backed away from her, mortified at his admission. “I know what I should do… What needs to be done… You deserve to be happy; to love and be loved, but I can’t let you go. I can’t. I’m not that strong. I need you. And I hate that I need you and that I’m weak, and that I’ll never be a man worthy of your love.”

Frozen with emotion, Elsa merely stared at him.

“Fuck,” he whispered, stumbling backwards toward the stairs, falling onto them. “You won’t wait for me, will you? You hate me. And I can’t blame you…” he rested his elbows on his knees and ran his nails over his scalp. “I never should have let you walk out that day…” His gaze became fixed on the wall behind her as his statement went unfinished. “I wish you had found me before Chapter One… Before all the others. We might have had a chance then.”

Her body stiffened, tears rapidly filling her eyes. “If you’re just saying these things for the sake of keeping me hanging on… If you’re lying to me… I’ll never forgive you. Not ever. I’ve forgiven you, so please, please, Victor, tell me this isn’t part of the game and that you feel the same way,” she begged, finally allowing her walls to fall down around her.

Slowly his eyes met hers. “I stopped playing the game the night you told me you weren’t engaged anymore; the night I realized I could never win this game with you. You won the first time we played and you’ve won again.”

Her mouth hung open. He had been the winner the first time. Didn’t he realize that? She had been the loser. Or had she? Had she been wrong all along? Were they both losers? Of course they were. There would never be a winner in this fucked up game.

“Everything after that night has been me, Elsa. Me. Didn’t you see that? Couldn’t you really see me?” he pleaded.

Her vision clouded over as she tried to recall every word, every action after that night. Realization came slowly, but it came. Yes, there had been a change in him; a shift in his attitude; a slow transformation of his treatment of her. His unprompted confession about who his father was and so much more. She had been so blinded by the fear of having her heart broken that she had missed the signs when they were flashing like neon lights all around her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” A stray tear fell from her eye.

“Would you have believed me?”

No. She wouldn’t have. It took this, this heartfelt confession, to convince her.

Kneeling before him, she held his face. “I don’t hate you, Victor; I hate what you did. What Mr. Black did. I already told you that.”

“I can’t change that. I wish I could, Christ, I wish I could. Holy hell…” his lashes became heavy with unshed tears. “I had a plan for every scenario with you, but I never planned on this; on the game really ending. What the fuck am I going to do now?”

“You’re going to let me love you like you should have the first time I offered.”

His eyes widened with disbelief and his breathing halted. “After everything, after all the things I shared, you still want to love me…”

The words hung in the air like a thick mist and Elsa didn’t know if what he said was a question or a statement, or if he had spoken them to her or to himself.

“That’s all I ever wanted,” she touched the top of his hand.

“But loving me won’t be easy,” he held her shoulders.

“Anything worth having never is.”

***

Victor stood and pulled her upright. “Then wait for me, Elsa. I can’t do this with you until I’m mentally healthy. And I’m so far from that it’s frightening.”

He didn’t want to make her go but it was what needed to be done. He guided her to the door again and pulled it open. When her shoulders began to shake from her deep sobs, he bit his lower lip to stop himself from reacting the same way. As she stepped out into the wintery night, he prayed she would wait for him. She took in a big gulp of air, held it and in an instant, her crying stopped.

She was so strong. Much stronger than he was. He admired her strength and resilience.

When she climbed into her car and drove away, he allowed himself to finally grieve what his life had become.

Anthony wasn’t his father. He’s wasn’t the offspring of a sociopath. His mother hadn’t been sociopath anymore than he was; she was merely a mean, abusive drunk. The rage quickly built up in him that he hadn’t done the very thing Elsa had and compared his DNA against Anthony’s. It was such a simple thing and could’ve spared him so much agony. But Elsa was right: he saw what he wanted to see. He had hurt all those people and for what? A lie he had convinced himself was real.