Declan stepped in, knocking back a beer. “This is such a stupid plan.”

“It’s my only chance, Declan,” I said with a sigh, cleaning the barrel once again. I didn’t want the bullet to back-jam. If it did, then it would come out with more force. It would definitely kill him.

“There has to be another way. This is going to backfire on you both.”

“There is no other way! He is my brother. I want my brother back, Declan. You have no idea. You both have always been close. I want to be able to sit with him, drink, and joke and laugh like you both do. I want to go on hunting trips, to fighting clubs. I fucking want to be part of the family again. I want a seat at the damn table, because if I don’t get one soon, Liam will cut me out permanently. Do you know what happens to people Liam cuts out?” I snapped, throwing the gun on the table as I took a deep breath.

“Neal��”

“He eithers kills them or he leaves them to die, family or no family. The only thing holding him back is our mother, and how much longer do you think that will last? I may one day wake up and find my wife and myself in chains or in hell thanks to him. I cannot let that happen.”

“Are you doing this because you fear he will one day turn on you or because you truly want his love,” Declan said, as he placed his beer down to clean my gun. “He’s been a crappy brother as well. You messed up, but you were young. We were all young.”

“You don’t see what I see at night, Declan,” I replied, taking the gun from him. “You don’t understand how disgusted I feel with myself whenever I wake up in the morning.”

“I’m starting to.”

“Why, because you’re lusting over Melody?”

“How—”

“Because every last man with a working dick is lusting over her. It’s hard not to when she shoots people in a tight dress and heels, and fucking loves it. We all want that from our women, but Liam got it. Always Liam. However, I have enough bad blood to last me a lifetime. Last thing I need is Melody added to the mix.” Plus, that woman scared me almost as much as Olivia did.

“You’re going to shoot her husband, she’s added to the mix.”

He had a point.

“Yeah, well I need to work on Liam.” At the first sign of light, I lifted the clear bullet.

“What is this?” Declan grabbed hold of one.

“I call them blanks, I made them for Liam. They will hurt like a bitch and may cause bleeding, but it shouldn't kill him. I got it from paintballs.” It wouldn’t take long at all.

“When this goes to hell, and it will go to hell, remember to tell Melody I had no idea about this.”

This couldn’t fail. I would do anything Liam needed for this not to fail. It was crazy but that was who Liam was, ninety-eight percent of everything he did was crazy, but it worked. He gave me his word that he would finally let the past remain in the past. Maybe then I would finally be able breathe again, to sleep again, to be at peace again.

Declan didn’t understand. Olivia didn’t understand. No one understood what I felt. How deep the guilt had embedded into my soul. Father had told me repeatedly that family was everything. That we lived and died for family, but then Liam happened and I swear Sedric knew what I had done. He looked me dead in the eye and waited for me to confess my sin, but I couldn’t speak. For the last twelve years I couldn’t speak. What is the point of being strong on the outside when you are weak on the inside?

That was why I needed to do this. Not just for Liam but for myself . . . for Olivia. So I could finally be the man she needed. Instead, she was the woman who held on to me each and every fucking night as I tried to get the image of the little boy in the locker out of my mind.

She wanted kids, but she wasn’t the problem. I was. Apparently, my own body had begun to betray me. The doctors called it “stress,” stupid motherfuckers. It was my body’s way of telling me I was not ready to be a father, not when I couldn’t even hold my shit together.

Sighing, I dropped my head against my rifle.

“May my aim be true in its intent,” I whispered to myself before tucking the cross around my neck into my shirt.

Walking toward my window, I waited. I would wait all day if I had to. But sure enough he walked out from the trees.

“Forgive me,” I whispered as I pulled the trigger.

NINETEEN

“He who makes a beast of himself

gets rid of the pain of being a man.”

~ Samuel Johnson

CORALINE

Day 1

“Ahh!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as a rush of freezing cold water was poured all over me and my bed. Jumping out of bed I came face-to-face with . . . Adriana I believe? She looked like I was an annoying brat.

“You’re late.” She stared, placing the bucket on ground.

“It’s six in the morning!” I yelled at her, shivering horribly. Why in the world couldn’t she just shake me like a normal person?

“Training starts an hour before sunrise. The sun is up, which means you’re late.” She walked to my closet and pulled out two random items of clothing that didn’t even match, then threw them at me.

“I didn’t”

“Strip.”

“What?” She wanted me to change in front of her?

She rolled her eyes and pointed to my pajamas. “Take off your clothes and get changed, so you can start the training you begged the Boss for.”

“Okay let me just go to the bathroom.”

“Why? Do you have special lady parts that I don’t have?” She glared at me.

“I don’t remember you being this mouthy to Mel.”

“What was that?’ she asked, making me jump.

“Nothing, these clothes don’t match,” I replied walking over to my closet.

Adriana followed of course. “Does it matter what clothes you bleed in?”

“Bleed in?”

“There is a reason why people say they worked through blood, sweat, and tears.” She rolled her eyes making me feel like an idiot, and I wasn’t doing this to feel even worse about myself.

“Look I’m new at this whole—”

“Being strong? Being confident? Being a fucking Callahan? Yeah, I’m getting that. Which is why I’m annoyed, because this isn’t you. Or at least is shouldn’t be you. Aren’t black women supposed to be strong?”

“You don’t know me, you racist bitch!” I yelled at her. Yes, I was supposed to be the “typical” black woman, the one who takes no shit and is ready to fight at every moment. God forbid there be a black woman who was shy, who hated confrontation, who didn’t fit the stereotype.

She smirked, pushing her glasses up her small nose. “Nope, I don’t know you, but do you know you? Is this meek, small woman in front of me the real Coraline or is it the face you put on because you’re scared to deal with your shit?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

“Think about why you asked to do this. You could have chosen any other way to remake yourself—to better yourself. You could have gone back to school, lost five pounds, wrote a self-help book. But instead, you wanted to learn how to fight. People who choose that option are born differently than the rest of the world.” She stepped right up to my face, and I felt the need to back away.

“There is a drive, a hunger within you Coraline. You’re trying to break out of your shell but are scared to do so. You’re scared because all you know how to do is hide behind sick children and big fat checks. You hide behind everything, even your clothes. It’s why you can’t take them off in front of others. Let me get guess, you and Declan have sex in the dark? You hide and wait under the covers—”

“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled, my fist flying at her fast, however, she caught it easily and smiled.