Dude, Where’s My Stethoscope?
and other stories from the ER
By Donovan Gray, M.D.
Copyright © 2012 by Dr. Donovan Gray
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author.
Printed in Canada
For information about permission to reproduce sections of this book, write to Dr. Donovan Gray:
5grays Publishing
P.O. Box 21106 Charleswood
Winnipeg, MB
R3R 3R2
DISCLAIMER
This narrative is based on real-life events; however, names, ages, genders, diseases, locations and/or dates have been changed in order to protect the privacy of the patients described.
ISBN 9781492818571
Design by Angel Guerra/Archetype
Author photograph by Ruth Bonneville
Illustrations by Dave Whamond
Kudos? Rotten eggs? thegraydude@gmail.com
www.dudewheresmystethoscope.ca
For my four Muses:
Janet (Sustenance)
Ellen (Benevolence)
Kristen (Radiance)
Alanna (Exuberance)
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank all the people who have encouraged and helped me with this project:
Birdielyn Gray, Ólöf & Ken Hardy, Joan Hardy & Tim Edginton, Doug & Michelle Chorney, the Sud family, Joanne Mayer, David & Kathy Lanthier, Colin Leslie, Joe McAllister, Dave Whamond, Prakashen & Jenisa Govender, Gregg & Lana Maidment, Theresa & Jerry Cianflone, Danny & Kelly Murray, Sonny Cochrane & Ardelle Kipling, Jillian Horton, Carol-Ann Veenkamp, Angel Guerra, Simon Burns, Sharon Butala, Brian Goldman and Dave Williamson.
A particular thank-you goes to Arnold Gosewich, without whose expertise and guidance this book would never have successfully navigated the convoluted corridors of the publishing world and made its way into your hands.
And, of course, the biggest thanks of all goes to my wife, Janet, for putting up with my impossible work schedules and off-kilter sense of humour for all these years.
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
So What Exactly Made You Want to Become a Doctor?
PART ONE
Learning the Ropes: Med School and the First Urban ER Year
Welcome to the Machine
The Peds Ortho Blues
Even the Cool Kids Can Fall
Dude, Where’s My Stethoscope?
Fear and Loathing at 3,000 Feet
Elementary Questions
Life During Wartime
The Cleanest Boy Ever
The Drug Seeker
Two-for-One Special in the ER
PART TWO
Ma and Pa Kettle: The Rural Years
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Devolution
The Big Smoke
On-Call Gall
It’s Got to Be in Here Somewhere
Semantics
Rocky II (The Sequel)
Alanna’s Birth
Snip, Snip
Last Call
Drug Charades!
Haute Cuisine
“I swear, he wasn’t breathing!”
Rollover Rob (The Adamantium Man)
Drinking Problem
Blood
Paralyzed
Rick’s Tears
Parenting 101
Adventures in Paralysis (The Ventilator Blues)
Koyaanisqatsi (Life Out of Balance)
I, Carnival Duck (Apologies to I, Claudius)
The Simple Math of Medical Errors
Humble Pie
Every Breath You Take
Thank You
Snap!
Tough Call
So Sue Me
3:00 a.m.
Carpool Conundrum
Chiaroscuro (Light and Dark)
Lost in Translation
Patients Say the Darndest Things!
Let’s Get Physicals
Survey Says… .
Prescription for Parenting Skills
Introspect/Apologia
Pssst…Want to Buy Some Medical Products?
Sahara Mouth
Beginner’s Luck
Out-bluffing the Kids
Legerdemain (Sleight of Hand)
Sometimes the Voices Are Real… .
Status Interrupticus
The Call of the Wild (Sorry, Jack!)
Tabula Rasa
Some Patients Are Never Ready
Shotgun Bubba
Disneyfied
Slippage
My Organic Patient
The Wonderful World of Golf
Oops!
Cancer
Betcha Can’t Eat Just One
Curious George
Cerumen
For Better or Worse
Prima Donna
Running the Supermarket Gauntlet
Rust Ring
655: Dead, But Dreaming (Trapped on Jacob’s Ladder)
Time Flies When You’re Having Fun!
PART THREE:
There and Back Again: Return to the Big City
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
“We Put the K in Kwality!”
Where’s Waldo?
Gyne Stretcher at Midnight
Lost Soul
The Cost of Letting Go
Doctor Lockout
I Sure Do Love Ol’ What’s Her Name!
Is There a Doctor on Board?
Fit for Duty
Ode to a Carrot Juice Enema
When Your Compassion Runs Out
Guilt
Time to Go
Piece of Cake
Skunked
For This I Went to Med School? (Quiet, Sméagol!)
So There You Have It, Folks
Biography
INTRODUCTION
So What Exactly Made You Want to Become a Doctor?
When I was seven I wanted to be a major league baseball player when I grew up. Either that or an astronaut. Doctor was nowhere to be found on my list of potential occupations. The following year my latent allergy genes manifested big-time. Almost overnight I became the undisputed poster boy for atopic disease. After a month or two of watching me scratch, sniffle and wheeze, my mother went out and found us a family physician.
Dr. Grenier was a lanky, middle-aged fellow with curly brown hair and an unruly moustache. He seemed to enjoy making house calls. Every Saturday morning he’d visit our modest little home in Chambly, Québec to give me an allergy shot. Although I wasn’t crazy about the injections, I didn’t put up much of a fuss because when he was finished he’d always wink and toss me the empty plastic syringe. If he wasn’t running too far behind schedule he’d accept my mother’s offer of a cup of coffee. While he drank it, he and my dad would sit at the kitchen table and have a spirited debate about whether Rusty Staub and the Montreal Expos would ever manage to climb out of the cellar in the National League East. When the coffee and conversation were finished he’d pack up his mysterious black bag, tell me to be un bon garçon, and zoom off in his neon-yellow Citroën.
As I filled the syringe with cherry Kool-Aid and chased my terrified little brother around the house (time for your needle, Robin! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!), sometimes I’d concede that although being a baseball player or an astronaut would be amazing, being a doctor might be kind of okay, too.
*
The year I turned 11 my father accepted a job offer from the Ministry of Education in Jamaica. That summer our family packed up and moved from Chambly to a suburb just outside of Kingston. Once the initial culture shock subsided I began exploring my new environment. One good thing about the move was that it allowed me the opportunity to finally meet several family friends and relatives whom I had previously only spoken to on the telephone or seen in photographs. My godfather Maurison was one such person. He was my dad’s best friend from back in the Precambrian era when they were both bachelors. Their paths had separated when Maurison immigrated to Germany to study medicine. Upon completion of his studies he returned to Kingston to start a general practice. He could easily have opened his office in an affluent neighbourhood and grown wealthy over time, but that career trajectory held no appeal for him. Instead he set up shop in a desperately poor, underserviced and slightly dangerous part of the city. He worked long hours, coordinated public health outreach programs and allowed his patients to pay whatever they could afford. He didn’t get rich, but he loved his work and the community adored him.