JOSEPH

The morning was frost cold, the fire almost out. The trees dripped water onto our faces from above. Poor Olga stretched and strained, dusting sheets of cracked ice off her jacket and pulling tiny icicles from her thin hair. She wasn’t built for this kind of thing, but I was impressed at how hard she tried. She was always eager to learn, wanting to try new techniques and be involved. We could all learn something from her of how not to give up. I struggled with that myself, but I couldn’t go to her for advice. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I just wanted to talk to her.

You would laugh if you saw it. You’d nudge me and point at her, snickering, and then you would go over, crouch down on your skinny legs, and help her. I knew her, and I knew how she would do things. She stayed with me, even if it hurt more than healed me. Rosa was stubborn like that. I allowed myself to feel her for a second, and it slipped off my body like water before the second was over.

Today was the first day we would really risk our lives. It left us all feeling anxious to get started and apprehensive of the outcome. Desh spent most of the night adjusting the projectors. He made it look easy, although I was sure it wasn’t. But the way that guy’s mind worked, everything just came naturally to him.

I was the first to wake after Olga. Desh lay at my feet, curled into a frozen ball. I nudged him with my foot, and he snorted. A laugh rippled across my face and quickly disappeared, like a leftover heartbeat on an EKG. My smile felt alien, like it wasn’t mine. Like I didn’t deserve to have it.

We packed everything up. Donned our white clothes and crowded around Gus and Matt for final instructions. They made an odd team. Gruff and stoic paired with warm and heartfelt. They stood clear in front of us, Gus always doing something else while talking, sharpening a knife, cleaning his gun, or picking at a slice of jerky. He didn’t like sitting still for too long. I understood that, being still left your mind to thinking.

Shifting back and forth on the balls of his feet, Gus addressed the group. “Bataar and Willer.” He pointed at the men and they stepped forward. “Since this is our first attempt, we have the element of surprise. I want you to aim for the center circle for the video. I’ll leave it to your judgment where to plant the bomb. It’s timed to go off two hours after you press the green button. If you think it best to blow it quickly to ensure your escape, the minute button is red. For instant detonation press the red button twice.”

He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and continued, “This particular mission is complicated. This was Gwen’s stop, and as we know, she was unsuccessful and didn’t return. Our Spider is still in there, and we need to retrieve them. They don’t know you’re coming though, so tread carefully.”

“With the bomb, just make sure it’s no more than a few inches under the ground and as close to the wall as you can get it,” Desh added excitedly.

Matt connected with the men’s eyes. “If there is any risk, any doubt in your minds during the mission, pull out,” he urged. “Your safety is more important.”

Bataar spat on the ground and chuckled. “I think we can all agree safety is not the first thing any of us are worried about! We just want this to work. The girl sacrificed herself for this…”

Heads swiveled in my direction, and I shrunk down. Olga’s soft hand patted my back, and I wished I could run out of there or the ground would swallow me.

Gus cleared his throat, bringing their attention back to him.

“We don’t know what will happen. How they will react, if they will react. But by the end of today, we will.” There was sureness in his voice. And knowing Gus, he wouldn’t have agreed to this if he didn’t think it had a chance of working.

Everyone nodded solemnly, except for Bataar, who spat and joked with a knobbly grin on his face.

We held onto our hope and made the descent towards Birchton.

Soft ground gave way to sharp rocks as we stepped off the edge and down. Eyes always ahead, scanning the top of the walls of the rocky town for movement. It was hard to see though as the sun bounced off the rocks and snow blindingly.

The slope was gentle but slippery with ice. Dark caves stared at us as we carefully made our descent. It was easy to lose yourself and your friends in all this white. It would be easy to disappear…

We moved slowly, picking our way between loose sheets of rock, hiding, checking, and slipping on the growing ice. My nose was numb, and snowflakes clung to my eyelashes. I focused on what was just ahead of me and nothing more.

Desh clapped his hand on my shoulder and breathlessly said, “Well, it’s certainly different to Bagassa.”

I nodded, saving my breath for the climb. I felt bad that I wasn’t talking to him very much, but the words stuck inside my mouth were not good ones. Until I could let go of my anger at him for pushing me to leave her, it was better to say nothing.

Rash came up by my side and slammed into me with his shoulder. “Move,” he muttered.

I stepped aside for him, watching his dark head bob further down the rocky surface. “Rash,” I said. He turned and glared at me, I leaned back from the razorblades emitting from his eyes. Not because it scared me, but because there was something of Rosa in him, and it cut me. “Put a hat on. Your hair stands out too much against the snow.”

I caught him mumbling as he shoved a white cap over his head. “Yours doesn’t, you blond jerk.” I was no longer beautiful blond man. I shouldn’t have been relieved, beautiful was much better than jerk, but jerk was what I deserved right now.

“Why do you let him talk to you like that?” Desh asked as he skidded on some ice and flew past me. I caught his arm and pulled him up.

“It’s nothing less than what I deserve,” I said, dusting snowflakes off his jacket.

Desh shook his head sadly. “That’s not true, Joe.”

I shrugged. He wasn’t going to change my mind. Even if I had managed to save her, the ghosts of the men I killed and… Este… I gulped, feeling nauseous; they had a hold on me. I couldn’t forgive myself for that.

I stopped moving. Frozen like their blood-spattered faces.

“Joe?” Desh shook my arm.

The image melted away as the glint of metal blinked at us from the top of the compound ahead. The walls of Birchton were before us, built out of huge bricks rather than one large concrete piece, as the rings lay over several levels, perched on the side of a mountain.

Matt halted us with an outstretched arm. “This is where we stop,” he said, jerking his head towards a cave opening. He motioned to the two guys going into Birchton. “You two go on.” They tipped their heads silently. “You know what you need to do.”

Desh handed them their projectors and the small explosive device for the wall. They patted their packs and waved. We wished them luck and filed into the cave to await their return.

It was late afternoon when they left. It would only be a few hours and we would know if it had worked.

We took turns sleeping.

The cold never bothered me. But the others were shivering and huddling together. Rash especially.

The cave was quite deep, but we stayed near the entrance, ready to watch the show. The snow piled up in front of us and every now and then, the watch would kick over the pile so we weren’t trapped inside. I liked the noise snow falling on snow made, like pouring sand.

I took off my jacket and leaned forward, wiggling it in front of Rash’s glaring eyes. “Here, take this. You’re shivering.”

“Piss off,” he snapped. I let the jacket hang there for a few more seconds and finally, he sighed and snatched it from my hands.