I closed my eyes.

And she was there, looking at me, smiling.

Hi.

“Hi.”

You looked good.

“Did I?”

Yeah. Like always.

I could see her eyes, warm, sparkling.

“I miss you,” I said. “Help me.”

You’ll be okay. You will.

“I don’t want to be without you.”

Her smile radiated warmth.

You aren’t without me. I’m here. Always.

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

I’ll never leave you, Noah. I’m always here. You’ll be okay.

I didn’t say anything, just squeezed my eyes shut tighter, wishing I could bring her back into existence.

Stop being afraid. Be you. I’ll be here.

“I’m sorry.”

Be you.

“I’m sorry.”

Be you.

I wanted to reach out and touch her, just one last time. Touch her hands, her hair, her lips. Bury my face in her hair, breathe in the scent of her.

Be you.

“I love you,” I said.

I love you.

I opened my eyes and she was gone.

The familiar pain of being without her settled into me, but without the edge I had grown used to. The void inside me felt different. Maybe I was just playing games with myself, but the emptiness didn’t feel as paralyzing.

The early morning sun warmed my face and I sat up, the wet sand clinging to my back and arms. My muscles ached in a good way, reminding me that I actually liked surfing.

Needed it.

I stood and picked up my stuff and slid my feet into my sandals. I carried the board under my arm as I trudged up the dunes. When I got to the wooden bridge, I turned back to face the water.

The small white caps looked like snow on the green water, rolling rhythmically, disappearing as they crashed into the sand. But new ones would appear, a long line of them, an ever-present band of waves marching toward shore. Constant. Always there.

The ocean had always been my answer since I was a kid. To everything. My problems with Carolina—my problems with everything—melted away the minute I stepped foot in the water. It was funny to me that I’d forgotten this, that I’d been so quick to give it up.

Liz’s words, real or imagined, echoed in my head.

Be you, she’d said.

I stared at the water for a long time, determined to be me again.

FORTY-ONE

I heard knocking in the distance and I pried open my eyes.

I was flat on my back in my bed, disoriented.  I remembered walking back to the garage after surfing, setting the board down in the corner, then sitting down on the edge of the bed, exhausted.

I’d finally found sleep.

The knocking was at my door.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes.  I glanced at the clock.  It was ten o’clock.  Which meant I’d been asleep for a couple of hours.

The knock was more insistent this time and I jumped out of bed, pulled on a pair of shorts, and grabbed the gun Alex had given me. I approached the door cautiously, my senses alert, and clutched the gun against my leg.

Ike’s face peered at me through the window of the door and he held up a hand in greeting.

I stuffed the gun in my waistband and opened the door.

“Hey, kid,” he said, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. “Not like you to not show up again and I knew you ran into some trouble the other day, so I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, Ike,” I said. “I overslept.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said, waving me off. “I set everything up. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’ll grab my bag and get over there.”

“Relax, Noah,” he said. “We’re good. Most employees get a couple days off every week. Besides, you’ve looked like you needed to sleep in since you got here.”  He smiled. “Don’t sweat it.”

I appreciated his kindness, but I still felt guilty.

“I also wanted to give you a heads up,” he said, his smile fading.

“About?”

“Two things.” He leaned against the doorframe. “Some dude was asking around about you the other day.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “I was in the deli getting lunch and he was asking the girl at the counter about you. She recognized you by the description, but didn’t have anything to give him.” He grinned. “Other than she thought you were cute.”

“Who was the guy?”

“Short. Beanpole. Dirty hair and a wispy mustache. Teeth like a weasel. Looked a lot like the guy you described to me when the other guy was asking about you.”

Zip.

“I’m not worried about him,” I said. “I don’t think he’ll be asking around anymore.”

“No?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“After he left, I talked to the girl,” he said. “She really didn’t have anything to give him, so I didn’t think it was anything to care about, but thought you should know.”

“Okay, thanks. What’s the other thing?”

His expression clouded. “This might be a bit more serious.”

“Alright.”

“Friend of mine, guy I have beers with every week, he’s a retired cop,” Ike said, folding his thick arms across his chest. “Worked over in Jacksonville for a long time, then came over here for about five years before he retired and then stuck around to find his next ex-wife. But he still hangs out with the guys on the force here, will do some security stuff once in awhile, that kind of shit.”

I didn’t say anything.

“He said he heard they got a call from San Diego,” he said, his gray brows furrowing. “Just a feeler. Nothing official. Looking for a guy in his thirties who used to be a detective.”

The news didn’t hit me as hard as I thought it might. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was expecting it, or because of Zip, or because I’d finally slept. But it didn’t put me in a panic.

“Okay,” I said.

“Way my buddy heard it was that they didn’t even want local to bring you in if they saw you,” he said. “They just asked for a call if you turned up.”

“Any idea who the San Diego cop was that called?”

“Nope,” he said. “I can ask, but I doubt he’ll know. He might be able to find out, but might draw attention, too, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said. “That’s fine. Don’t worry about it. How did he know to come to you?”

Ike adjusted the shades on his face. “When you got here, I put a bug in his ear. Just in case he heard anything. No details or anything, but just figured it might be a good idea in case you needed to know.”

“You trust him?”

Ike chuckled and nodded. “Yeah. I buy all the beer and trust me—he likes beer. He owes me a few favors. You’re good.”

“Okay,” I said. “Thanks, Ike. I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

He made a face and waved at me. “Whatever, kid. Carter said to take care of you and I’m not dumb enough to cross that crazy nut job. And he’s done right by me before, so I’m happy to help for as long as you need.”

I didn’t ask what Carter had done for him. That was probably a story that would take a couple days to explain.

“And if you gotta get outta here in a hurry,” he said. “Just leave the key inside. I’ll figure it out.”

“No,” I said. “I’ll let you know if I’m outta here. At the very least.”

“Whatever, kid,” Ike said. “You’re good with me. And take the day off, alright?  I haven’t sat my fat ass over in that sand for awhile and my tan’s fading. I got it covered today.”

“You sure?”

He nodded. “Positive. I’ll find you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Ike,” I said. “Really.”

“Quit thanking me, kid,” he said, smiling. “Gonna make me feel like I need to hug you or something.”

We said goodbye and I shut the door. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve done if it hadn’t been for Carter setting me up with Ike. There weren’t too many people who would just give you a place to live and a job without asking a million questions. No matter what happened, I wouldn’t just disappear on Ike. He deserved better than that.