“Much worse than that! Admit, Holmes, youare totally stumped.”

“OK, I am stumped. But not totally, onlyfrom below. Stop teasing me.”

“Victor Chen insists there has been no deadbody whatsoever. More or less – a hallucination.”

“What?” Good I am stumpedfrom below, or I would break the roof of our shack with my head.“What do you mean: hallucination? What about the freakinggut-driver? What aboutthe freaking rag? With all the freaking blood on it?”

“Keep munching, RoadRunner. If you talk too much, I will eat all the daikon myself. Thefreaking gut-driver and the bloody rag – that's all the evidence wehave.”

“What about the blood drops Tan noted on thefloor? Also, – a hallucination?”

“Yep, ma'am. There were no drops.”

“About Victor Chen – he could be on drugs.But about Tan, so far, I presumed he's not using any.”

“In our Beat, only one person is using drugsso far. No finger-pointing.”

“Now you stop being silly. The Grass isn't‘drugs’. It's a medicine. And I have a good reason.”

“OK, I am not silly. Ofcourse, I am no expert, like some records clerks… Nofinger-pointing… But I am sure your To-Ma-Gochi can't create this typeof hallucinations. To see a dead body, somebody must use some veryserious stuff: synthetic drugs or magic mushrooms. If our clientwas using something like this just before coming to the Beat, wewould see at least some symptoms. Besides, I am not aware of anymagic mushrooms that can make the imaginary gut-driver real.”

“Your reference to the mushrooms gives me anidea.”

“Let me guess. Sherlock Holmes needs hispipe.”

“Yes, but a bit later. After we start on ourcoffee and brownies. Do you mind if I finish the curry? Your Mom isso good at cooking, I'm jealous. Meanwhile, dear Watson, tell meall from the beginning, with no omissions.”

“OK, Holmes. We arrived to China-Patch Fiveat 17:28. I checked the time on my phone, for the records. Openedthe shack door, looked inside. Naturally, I didn't allow Victor tocome in. In the shack, everything was in relative order, nothingunusual. No dead body either. Suddenly, Victor Chen said: ‘Sorry.It’s my mistake.’ Exactly these words.”

“OK. Next?”

“I said: ‘But you cameyourself to report that your father is dead, is that right?’ And hesaid: ‘No. My father is not dead. My mistake. Sorry.’ At thispoint, the Homicide Unit arrived. Four of them: Woxman,‘Python’ Tom fromthe CSI lab, and two brand-new trainees. Those two, I didn't seebefore. So Woxman said: ‘Very well, gents. Where is our patient?’He was playing this super-duper-expert type, very important man.For that I said: ‘Our patient suddenly felt better, professor. Hegot up and walked away. Did not bother to wait for yourconsultation.’ I just couldn't hold it!”

“Nice!”

“Nice, but I'd better keepmy mouth shut. Python, with his natural nerdy sense of humor, but limited socialawareness, started laughing like mad. His Royal Highness Woxman,with no sense of humor whatsoever, went bananas. He was showing offin front of the bloody trainees, of course. Bang! And the circusstarted: Woxman shouts, the trainees in panic! He sends them tocheck the rest of the Patch-Five and look for possible witnesses.Then he jumps on Victor Chen: ‘Where is the freaking body?’ Chenrepeats like a freaking robot: ‘My father is not dead. My mistake.Sorry.’ Woxman jumps on me: ‘Deputy Kim, have you taken a writtenstatement at the Beat? No? Damn! Why not?’ Circus! I have no otherword for it.”

“It was my advice to skip the statement andgo straight to Chen's place. I screwed up.”

“No, you didn’t. Who would know the body wasgoing to disappear? To make the things even worse, Tan arrived tothe scene. He went to call you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Woxman jumped on Tan: ‘Deputy Tan, why didyou leave the crime scene unguarded?’ So Tan said: ‘Do you watchdetective movies, sir? Once in a while, on TV? At the crime scenes,you know, there should be so-called traces of those crimes, right?Let say, a couple of dead bodies lying around, or a bag full ofmoney, or, perhaps, a nuclear bomb with big red numbers rolling ondisplay, something along these lines. If I saw a nuke, I wouldguard it! For all the remaining seconds, sir! But in this case,there was absolutely nothing. I made a little loop, asked somekids, if they saw anything out of the ordinary – still nothing. SoI decided the Dispatch sent me an incorrect address. Went todouble-check it, that's all.”

“Guarding the nuke! For all the remainingseconds, sir! You, boys, have a conspiracy against Woxman, do you?But technically Tan is completely right. If you are directed to thecrime scene, but there is no crime, the first thing you assume isan error in the text message.”

“He's technically right, but it's stillagainst the standard procedures. When they wrote those procedures,nobody thought that half of the area would have no cell phonecoverage.”

“OK. What happened next?”

“Next, the trainees came back. Nothing.Woxman said: ‘Must be a mistake, then. Nothing to investigate,let's go back to the Station.’ But Tom meanwhile opened theevidence bag and sprayed the corner of the rag with Luminol. Hepulled his jacket over his head and lit his magic flash-light. Sohe said: ‘Not so fast, Deputy Woxman. The blood seems to be real.’Then Tan recalled some little blood spots at the floor. Tom pulledon his coverall and went into the shack. Came back and said: ‘Novisible blood, but Luminol shows some traces.’ He believed therewas blood, but somebody wiped it clean.”

“Very interesting,” I pourmyself coffee and start rolling my To-Ma-Gochi. Who cares what myin-law thinks about three a day.

“Well, Python did the proper search. He isa good reptile, cold-blooded, not like Woxman. But he got out ofthe shack totally disappointed. Besides the wiped traces of bloodon the floor, he said, – nothing certain. A lot of fingerprints, ofcourse, but looks like all of them belong to the owners. He willdouble-check in his lab, along with the gut-driver and the rag. Do I getsome coffee too?”

I pick blackened coffee pot, “Don't forgetthe brownie. What Woxman decided at the end?”

“Woxman scratched his head and said: ‘Fine.Lock the shack, Mister Victor Chen goes with us to the Station,tomorrow we will look for the body.’”

“I obviously have to ask this. Mister ChenTe-Sheng himself. The old man. Is he a real person, or ahallucination?”

“Real. The neighbors confirmed. And they sawhim today at around lunch-time.”

“Have you called all the hospitals andprivate doctors within a reasonable radius?”

“Not yet. In the Block-Five cell phonesdon't work. But Tom is doing it tonight from home. Although, hehinted me it's no use.”

“Why?”

“If Victor Chen insisted that there was adead body, it would be something like your original version. Theold man was not really dead, came to his senses and went to see amedic. But now Victor Chen says there is no dead body. At all. Asif he is sure that nobody could go to any doctor.”

“Apart from Victor andTe-Sheng, nobody else lives in the shack, right?”

“Right, as usual. How did you guess?”

“Did you see how many buttons Victor Chenhad on his shorts?”

“What a wonderful sexual perversion –counting buttons on strangers' shorts! Have you indulged in thisfor long?”

“Not on purpose. It happens more or less byitself. About the buttons, Watson, he had exactly two. Out of threeintended. One button is missing. The two remaining are attached bydifferent threads: one is black, and the other one is white. Thereis also a patch, attached by a black thread. And if you recall theshorts, they are made from the desert camo kit trousers. Theneedlework is clearly man-like, but it wasn't done in the Army. Howdo I know the last thing?”

“In the Army, your sergeant will kick yourass for any white and black threads on a desert camo. Besides, asfar as I know, in the war zone they even don't issue soldiers thewhite thread, unless you are deployed somewhere in Arctic andpotentially have something white to fix. This is called logisticsrationalization.”