had Jace staring extra hard at me.

A stupid tear hovers in the corner of my eye, but I swipe it away as I duck into the cave.

The glowworms are extremely bright, but their magic takes a while to settle over me. When it

finally does, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of that cliff again, about to fall. Thrills zip up my

middle, stirring my cock.

I raise my arms and stand on my tippy toes to imagine the rush of falling into the stars.

Every inch of my skin tickles with shivers just like the last time I came here when Jace was at the

creek, singing . . .

I drop my arms and snap out of the memory. It doesn’t matter anyway. He didn’t even know I was

listening.

I sit on the floor of the cave, pick up a smooth stone, and hug my knees, willing the glowworms to

rearrange themselves into an answer. An answer to my questions. How do I stop feeling like this? How

do I stop that voice in my head that lies to me and tries to confuse me all the time?

The worms don’t move. Neither do I. Not for a long time. I feel the heat of Jace’s whisper before I

hear it. “You’re supposed to be at my beck and call.”

I don’t turn around. “What do you want?”

“Why are you hiding?”

“I’m not.” I grip my stone harder.

He settles next to me, hugging his knees too. His arm bumps against mine, but I continue staring at

the glowing green walls. “Why aren’t we friends?” he asks. “Why do we pretend we don’t like each

other?”

“You give me a dirty look every morning. You tell me.”

I hear him shrug. “I don’t know. It’s easier.” He turns to look at me. His hot gaze on my cheek pulls

me to face him, but I resist. “I know we were forced into each other’s lives, but, I mean, I would have

chosen you if I’d had the chance.”

My breath hitches, and a shy smile stretches his lips.

“I mean, if I hadn’t known you,” he says, “and you stopped to talk to me that first time at school? I

would’ve tried harder to hang out with you. I mean, you were odd.” At this, he laughs softly. “I was

surprised by the nose butt to my knee, but I liked you. And the Music Rocks T-shirt you wore is sort of

funny now that I know you.”

“I don’t remember the T-shirt.” The stone falls from my sweaty grip and I fumble for it again.

I would have chosen you.

My heart races as his words skate over every inch of my skin.

“What do you say, Cooper?”

I’m too fast to grab the hand he offers, and I hold it too tightly. I’m scared he can somehow hear

that traitorous, whispering voice through my touch and he will quickly let me go. “Can we keep the

dirty looks?” I ask.

He laughs. “With you, I think it’d be hard not to.”

mudstone

White water rafting is terrifying. I’m being knocked around like a lollipop in a piñata, and for

whatever goddamn reason, I’m hooting like I’m having the time of my life. The complexities of the

mind: I will never understand it.

Our boat bounces over the rapids, swinging wildly. I clutch the paddle against my lap so I don’t

lose it again. At the front, Annie and Dad are laughing like wet hyenas, while Lila and our guide are

enjoying an amused silence. Jace looks like he’s going to be sick. Every time we’re close to a rapid, his

posture stiffens and his eyes shut like he wants it to end.

The boat dips abruptly, bashing me against Jace’s side. I grab his lifejacket so he doesn’t tip

overboard. Another wave lurches into the boat, drenching Jace’s swimming shorts.

“This is it,” he mutters. “I see the news already. Seventeen-year-old boy drowns on the Waikato

River.”

“Sixteen. Birthday isn’t for another month.”

He pinches my thigh and I yelp. At least he’s smiling now.

The rapids calm and we’re back to paddling. Jace asks how much longer until the campsite, and

Dad’s answer elicits a groan. I chuckle at his whininess.

“Don’t worry,” I tell him with a cocky smirk. “You can hold my hand.”

Annie and Lila laugh, which is the first time I’ve ever heard them laugh at the same time.

Shockingly, they share an almost-friendly glance.

“This was a great idea,” Dad says with a large inhale. “Fresh air and exercise. And look at the

beauty.”

Dad’s right. The deep-turquoise water glows and its surface shimmers gold under the sun. A hint of

a breeze protects us from overheating. Like Dad, I breathe in the smell of the river, the sunscreen, and

all the good moods around us. Save Jace’s, of course.

When the next rapid approaches, we pull in our paddles. Jace grabs the back of my hand and curls

his fingers through mine, clutching tightly.

I stare at our hands on my thigh.

“You volunteered.” Jace’s grin instantly disappears as our raft bobs and twists.

This time, the Level 4 white-water waves exhilarate me, but the heat of Jace’s palm and his sharp

nails scratching into my skin excite me more.

The rapid lasts forever, yet it feels like the shortest bloody rapid there ever was.

When it ends and Jace pulls away, I tell myself I’m glad it’s over.

But you liked it. You really liked it.

Leave me alone! Jace is practically my stepbrother.

It’s not as though you’re actually related.

He’s also a boy.

Come on, I thought we were past this.

I’m quiet the rest of the day until we return to the campsite. After I help pitch the tents, I decide to

bugger off on my own.

I find a cozy nook downstream that has its own riverbed, a small half-moon of pebbly shore. The

stones hold the warmth of the day’s heat, and I lie on them like a starfish to soak it up.

I empty my mind by thinking of nothing at all. I snatch up the first stone I find and drain all my

negative thoughts and feelings into the stone.

Annie finds me an hour later. “What’s up, bro?” She sits next to me and gently peels my fist open.

“That’s pretty with the white layers,” she says.

I sit up and look at it for the first time. Beautiful, smooth and curved like the nook we’re sitting in

or Cheshire Cat’s mysterious smile. Did the secrets I poured into it make it appear that way?

“Mudstone, I think. With a tiny quartz vein, see?”

“Looks too nice to be called mudstone.”

“Mudstone comes in lots of colors and shapes. Makes up sixty-five percent of sedimentary rock.”

“Hmm,” Annie says. “Anyway, dinner’s ready. I was sent to drag you back.”

“What is it?”

“Couscous.”

“What’s up with you?” I lean an arm against her shoulder.

Her straggly wet hair presses against my skin as she rests her head on me. “I’m stubborn,” she says

quietly.

“You can say that again.” I press my forehead against the top of her head to let her know I love her

anyway.

“I don’t know how to stop.”

She starts to cry. Small wracking sobs that jerk her body.

“Hey, hey,” I say, desperately trying to think of calming words. “It’s not too late to make a change.”

“B—but I can’t. I’m a big bitch and I can’t help it.”

“You’re not a big bitch.”

Annie giggles, which soon turns into hysterical laughter. Her eyes are shut tightly, her nose

squishes as laughter peels back her smiling lips, and tears stain her red cheeks.

I clutch my stone and Annie’s laughter echoes in my hand. I know I’ll feel it every time I touch the

stone in the future.

Annie’s laughter finally fades and she tilts her head at me. “I’m going to stop being a bitch. I don’t

want to screw up any more of my relationships.”

“Any more?” I sense a story here.

She laughs again but it’s a pained one. “Boyfriend dumped me. Said I was too passive-aggressive

and bitchy. I wish I hadn’t lost my virginity to him. Oh well. Better now than at university next year, I