the Deepest plays. The lyrics gently wrap around me until I’m living the song. The song is me. The

song is us. I want Zach by my side.

Even though I don’t know if I can love again.

I push my sunglasses higher up on my nose so Zach won’t try to read me. The next half-hour, I am

lost in thoughts. I don’t even hear the other songs play. I focus on the road and the way the breeze rolls

over grass, making the hills shimmer and feel alive, like a green beast who will stretch his limbs and sit

up at any moment.

And maybe we’d drive down his arm to his large fist, where he’d crush us to dust with all the

memories I can’t seem to shake.

Like the time Jace and I took the hatchback out to Kaitoke Regional Park to see Rivendell, and Jace

had breathed deeply and said It really feels like there’s magic here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trees

actually came to life—

I slow down and glance at Zach’s large hands, slightly bumpy with veins. I squeeze his fingers.

I care. I care. I care.

Don’t leave me.

Don’t ask me to stay.

He plays with my fingers for a moment before I pull away to steer around another stretch of

winding road.

We’re in the middle of a curve when the song comes on.

“Turn it off,” I plead.

Zach sounds surprised. “What? This is a great song.”

In my mind’s eye, I see Jace’s smile as he says diamonds.

I breathe in sharply. “Turn it off!”

He does, and the silence is loaded with questions that I don’t want to answer. “I’m just dizzy,” I say,

curving around another bend. “The music is too much.”

Zach frowns, apparently not buying it, but he lets it go and asks me to pull over.

I do.

He leans over and kisses me deeply, and then pops open my seatbelt. “How about I drive for a bit?”

We swap places, and I lean back against the seat wondering where he is now. Wondering what his

life is like. Whether he finds it hard to fall in love again too. I shut my eyes and let the vibrations of the

car take me to a dreamy world of giants and rocks and unanswered questions.

* * *

I wake to Zach shaking me gently. “Thought we’d take a stop. I saw a sign for this place and knew

we had to come here.”

I take off my sunglasses and rub the bridge of my nose where they pressed awkwardly. I blink in

the brightness of the day.

Zach is saying how he always wanted a chance to go here, and when he saw the sign, he knew it

was meant to be.

I stretch, ripping out a yawn, and Zach tickles my midriff. I laugh on instinct and yank my T-shirt

down.

“Where are—”

Waitomo Caves. The universe just slapped me in the face.

Zach grabs our jackets. “Mr. Geologist, are you ready?”

No.

I follow him anyway. Forty minutes later, we are inching along a narrow passage down a limestone

shaft. Our guide talks about the formations but I can barely focus with the shivers running through me.

Our song, and now this? Are these signs?

How many earthquakes can our relationship withstand? Are we as strong as argillite?

I clutch my phone in my pocket, yearning to call Jace.

Zach looks over his shoulder and smiles. With every smile, guilt worms itself deeper into my belly.

If you can’t love him completely, set him free. He deserves better.

But I care! I really do!

We hop on a boat. It’s cool and dark with a distant sound of dripping. Zach takes my hand as we

glide into the Glowworm Grotto.

I gasp. It’s like we’re floating in space with galaxies at our fingertips. The darkness thickens and

pushes me from behind toward the edge of a high cliff. The rush is unbearable as it comes coupled with

memories.

As kids in the cave.

All I Want Is You.

Zach whispers in my ear, and my stomach flips. Now I know what he’s going to ask me, and I’m

not ready for it. Certainly not when Jace’s ghost is here dancing with me.

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

“Will you move in with me?”

muscovite

Jace’s twenty-second birthday.

My sister, Lila, and Dad huddle around the laptop in Dad’s study, Skyping him as we do every year.

I slunk out after a tense Happy Birthday, Jace. He frowned but waved me goodbye.

Lila and Dad speak to him for a few more minutes, asking him how he’s doing. I know this,

because I’m standing just outside the study in the shadows.

Part of me doesn’t want to stay here, forcing out fake conversation; another part wants nothing

more than to hear his voice, forever, on repeat, even if he said nothing more than a shopping list.

“We have news,” Dad says. I hold my breath, knowing what’s coming because I helped dad pick

out a diamond ring and gold bands. “We wanted to wait to tell you in person, but—”

“We can’t wait,” Lila chirps in. She gestures Dad to spit it out already. He laughs, smacks her with

a kiss, and says, “Your mum and I are getting married.”

“Wow, oh my God, congratulations!” Jace’s tone is enthusiastic. “About time, I guess.”

Lila says, “We’ve also decided on a date.”

Annie says, “You better come, brother. No ditching us like you always seem to do.”

Jace says, “Of course I’m going to the wedding! I’ve never ditched you.”

Even Lila and Dad quiet at that. Lila speaks first. “Never mind that. I would love you to walk me

down the aisle—”

“Yes. When is it?”

Annie snickers. “Three guesses.”

Jace got it right on the second. “Dad’s birthday? You’re kidding.”

Dad and Annie chuckle. “Dad wants everything on his day. Wait until you hear the theme they

have.”

Jace says, “Mum? You agreed to this? A Halloween-birthday-masquerade wedding with a dress

code of hauntingly beautiful?”

Lila laughs. “Sounds like fun to me.”

The doorbell rings. Guests Lila and Dad invited over to share the big news. Lila air-kisses Jace and

excuses herself. Dad says they’ll call again soon.

They’re kissing as they leave the room and don’t notice me hunkered outside the doorway. I rest

my head against the wall and shut my eyes to all this romance. I’m happy for Lila and Dad, but I’m still

raw from last week—

Jace says, “So . . . sister, eh?”

“Yep, been a long while coming.”

“Guess so.” A moment of silence, and then, “Cooper didn’t say much. I mean, I guess that’s

normal. But he usually stays. Listens.”

I close my eyes.

Annie hums. “Just ignore Cooper, Jace. He’s moping around because he broke up with his

boyfriend.”

Quiet. A crackle down the line. “He did?”

Annie sighs on my behalf. “Yeah.”

My heart beats heavy in my chest three, four times before he replies. “Oh,” I wish to hear an edge

of satisfaction, a splash of glee that gives away how relieved he is to hear this. But his tone is merely

genuine. “I hope he’ll be okay.”

Annie gives a slight laugh. “Yeah. Besides, we’re used to it.”

I hold my breath and pray for Annie to leave it at that.

Jace asks, “Used to it?”

“Yeah. He was worse when you left.”

gold

Dad and Lila tie the knot, exchanging beautiful gold bands. The wedding is just what they wish for.

Hauntingly beautiful.

For the wedding reception, the doors to the patio open to eight round tables, each peppered with

twelve guests.

I sip on my ginger beer, cucumber, and gin cocktail, and take in the colorful festivity, which is like

a sea of melted crayons—women wear large skirts and corsets, and men wear tailored suits fit with

vests. Like something from Cinderella’s ball but with grotesque twists: dripping blood, ripped bodices,

deadly-long nails, red contact lenses, and fake scars.

Lila and Dad sit at the head of our table, an arch framing them from behind. The spider webs that