just smiles a little. Like it’s something he’d like to believe, if he only could. Whatever it was that just

happened between us, it’s clear that something’s changed. And it’s kind of scary. I’ll be damned.

This time it’s definitely him who kisses me first. I wish that I could sink into that kiss, sink into him

completely. Shit, I’m such a whore for him. I don’t even mind. I’ll be whatever he wants me to be, if

that’s what it takes for him to let me in.

He breaks the kiss and licks his lips, watches me watching him. “Danny.” Thoughtfully he lets my

name roll over his tongue, smiles unbelievingly. “Fuck.”

A broad grin steals onto my face, and I can’t resist. “Gladly. Just give me a couple of minutes.”

We both start to laugh, and it chases the vulnerable moment away. Thank god. His breath is soft and

warm on my face, and there’s a sparkle in his eyes that wasn’t there before. And there’s that strange

craving again, stirring underneath my skin. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again. Smiles.

Just a little, just enough for me to understand.

I nod, his smile mirrored by my own. If there’s a VIP area inside of James’ heart, I guess I just got

my member’s card.

Chapter 4

Home Is Where The Hurt Is

JAMES: Sometimes I wonder if there are mistakes you simply have to make. Maybe when you look

back to them some time later, you’ll find they weren’t mistakes at all. I don’t know what suddenly

makes me think of the day I pushed him against the wall in his dorm room, when the way he touched

me seemed so wrong and felt so right. Now leaving seems like the only right thing to do, but it doesn’t

feel right at all.

“Stay,” he pleads softly when I open the door, his hand reaching out to cup my face, his lips close.

“Don’t leave because of her.”

I can’t reply, I simply lean in for a kiss. Just one more moment. Just him and me.

Somehow I know that the look in his dark eyes will be haunting me. The sound of the door closing

behind me is harsh, cruel even to my own ears. But I can’t change it, I’m scared shitless. Scared of

allowing him to get closer, and even more underneath my skin than he already is. The truth is, I don’t

think I want to get to know him that well. God knows what will happen if I do.

* * *

Fall is coming. I can smell it in the air when I step off of the bus and begin to walk down the old road to

our house. It’s the smell of decay, so distinctive that even the first colorful leaves, dancing in the mild

breeze like drunken butterflies, can’t cover it up. Two more weeks and it’s back to school. It used to be

a relief returning to Woodhaven, but I don’t have that refuge anymore. No matter if I go back or stay,

the same questions, the same problems will be lurking at the back of my mind. Things have gotten

worse with Mom again, and there’s nothing I can do for her. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the

night and want to scream at the top of my lungs, because the walls seem to be closing in, and I’m

useless, helpless, worthless just like way back then.

Home again. As I slowly climb the three steps to the porch, the familiar lump of worry forms in my

stomach and it’s getting harder to breathe. Holding my bag in a sweaty hand, completely unaware of its

weight, I just stand there for a moment, staring at the screen door. It doesn’t help to know that Simon’s

gone, because nothing’s changed. My senses still sharpen and my whole body tenses. It’s ridiculous

how well these learned automatisms work, even if they’re no longer needed.

The key turns with a soft click, and the door springs open with a pitiful creak. Must remember to oil

it before I go back to university.

“Jimmy, is that you?” Mom calls weakly from the battered couch in the living room. She hardly ever

leaves it anymore. The TV is babbling dully in the background, too low to understand, its only purpose

to keep her company and chase away the lonely silence. I sigh, put my bag down and enter, forcing a

smile.

“Hey, Mom. I’m back.”

She’s a mess, which doesn’t surprise me much. I bet she hasn’t showered since I left. Pale and

skinny, drowning in her shabby pajamas that she won’t part with, despite them being two sizes too

large. She puts out her cigarette and waves her hand to make the smoke go away. She knows I hate it

when she smokes. Simon’s favorite brand. I try not to inhale the cold, bitter stench that fills the room.

“Was it nice with Casey?”

“That was last month, Mom. I was in Boston, with another friend. I told you, remember?”

“Oh yes. Yes, of course.” She smiles, but I know she doesn’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

She’ll probably have forgotten this conversation by the time I go upstairs. I know the look in her eyes

all too well, stuck somewhere between reality and her own world. I cross the room and open the

window to let in some fresh air.

“Did you take your meds?”

“I’ve been a good girl all week. Well, I forgot on Tuesday, but I think I didn’t…” She trails off, her

eyes focusing on the flickering TV screen. Great. She didn’t take them, otherwise she wouldn’t be in

this state. Without a word I go into the kitchen and bring her the pills and a glass of water.

She accepts them with a smile and strokes my arm when I bow down to her. “Thanks, sweetie. What

would I do without my big boy?”

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t even want to think about going back to Woodhaven and leaving her

alone again. I place a little kiss on her cold cheek and try to look cheerful, when I’m really all but.

“Do you need anything else? Are you hungry?”

She smiles, and for some reason, it hurts to see. I remember what her smiles used to be like before

she became so frail, a mere shadow of a human being. I feel awful for having left her alone all week.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

Fine. Right. She’s never been fine in her life. And things have never been right for us either. The

more time passes and the worse things get with her, the harder it’s getting to believe that they’ll ever be.

* * *

I turn on the shower, close my eyes and try to relax as a gentle stream of warm water runs down my

body. The images steal into my mind uninvited, but I close my eyes, allowing them to roam freely for a

while.

I don’t even remember how we got upstairs and into his bed last night, but that’s where I woke up.

Five in the morning, and it finally stopped raining a minute before dawn. The sun a pale ball of fire

crawling up behind the hills. Long rays of light fell through cracks in the clouds like messages from

some higher power above blessing the moist, satiated earth.

He was already awake, head propped up on his arm, watching me with a smile that widened when

our eyes met. His kiss was slow and soft, provoking emotions I never expected.

“Good morning,” he whispered, his smile audible in his voice, accompanied by a warm shimmer in

his eyes. No morning had ever been so good.

* * *

I squeeze out a bit of shampoo onto the palm of my hand and spread it in my wet hair. It smells of cheap

perfume. His shampoo smelled of luxury and a world where anything’s possible. I can almost feel his

kiss through the water running down my back, the motions of his hands sexy and slow as they explore

my body…

Still waiting. I’m still waiting for regrets to come. I’m sure there has to come a moment when I will

start to feel bad about what happened. When I will begin to wonder how on earth I could do this to

Casey. It seems incredibly wrong to feel so good when I should be feeling guilty.

Maybe I’m too much of a bastard to care. But I know that’s not true. My feelings for Casey are