My stomach clenches like a nervous fist and my skin covers with goosebumps instantly.

There’s someone in my room, some kind of presence, hidden in the shadows. Someone is watching

me. I can almost feel the ghost of Simon hovering in the air behind my back, his breath pure ice on the

naked skin of my neck. It’s making all my hair stand on end.

“What did you expect, James?” a voice like metal scraping over glass whispers through the darkness

behind me. “Do you think you deserve more than this?”

There’s a knock on the door and I nearly jump out of my seat. Ripped out of my daze, my heart is

beating like crazy. Adrenaline’s pulsing through my veins when I get up from my chair and cross the

room to answer. It’s Casey. Oh god, I’m so relieved. So happy to see his face right now! He falls into

the room and flings his arms around my neck.

“Happy birthday, James!”

I swing him around and laugh when he starts to cover my face with kisses, until our mouths meet

and we come to a halt. I close my eyes and press myself up against him, and he kisses me deeply and

pulls me close with such devotion that I feel like jumping for joy. I feel like I’ve just gotten back what

I’ve been missing, without even knowing what it was.

When we part, we grin at each other and I tousle his hair. “I thought you were tired and had an early

morning coming up!”

He laughs mischievously. “Well, I lied. I wanted to surprise you!”

“I daresay it worked.”

“Here.” He pulls something out of the back pocket of his jeans and hands it to me. “This is for you.”

I glance at the present, then back at him, a warm feeling spreading through my body. “You know

there’s no need to…”

“There is need. I know we said it wasn’t necessary, but I wanted to give you something. I hope it’ll

come in handy.”

He’s beaming at me, and I can’t help but smile. The small, flat box is wrapped in pretty paper, and

it’s unexpectedly heavy for its size.

“Go on, open it!”

So I do, and I blink when I hold his present in my hand. It’s a silver dictating machine. Damn! That’s

just way too cool.

“Thank you! That’s… wow. That’s just what I need.”

“I’d hoped it would be.” He’s beaming even more now, and I pull him close for a kiss. He looks into

my eyes with warmth when we part.

“Mr. Editor in Chief. I’m so proud of you, do you know that?”

I swallow, and pull him into a hug. His body is warm and solid against mine, and it feels so good. I

could stay like this for a long time, but he pulls back and smiles at me.

“There was another present leaning outside your door, I wasn’t sure if I should bring it in. Should I

go get?”

“Sure.” I can’t hide a frown. Another present? What’s this all about?

When Casey returns a minute later, he’s carrying a relatively large, flat, heavy-looking thing inside

and presents it to me. It’s wrapped in elegant glossy paper. Astounded, I stand and stare at it without

taking the thing, half-expecting it to explode any second. Since there’s no suspicious ticking sound, I

finally accept it, and it really is heavy. Could be a book, a huge one. Who’d get me something like this?

Who’d get me anything at all? How bizarre.

“There’s no card,” Casey says, and curiously looks at me.

No card. Damn. I think I have a hunch who this is from, after all.

“Aren’t you gonna open it?”

“Sure. I’ll do it later.” I quickly put it aside, as if it really were that unimportant. In actuality, I’m

nearly dying from suspense. What is it? Is it really from whom I think it is? And why? Why would he

get me anything for my birthday? Why would he even know that it’s my birthday today?

“I’d rather celebrate with you right now.”

Casey smiles knowingly, and crosses the short distance between us to kiss me. Something raw and

hungry springs to life inside, and mingles with the love I’m feeling. I ache to feel him, want him, need

him now. Hands fumbling, our tongues playing, we stumble towards the bed.

* * *

Afterwards, I lie awake and listen to the sound of his even breathing for a long time. I’m cold on the

inside, frozen. Everything I’ve been suspecting, fearing for a while now has been proven true tonight.

He doesn’t belong to me anymore.

There was no real feeling in the sex, not from his side. I was making love to him, and he was

allowing it. Without giving much back. Nothing true, nothing real. Nothing like real passion. Nothing

like what it used to be. It was routine. It was quick like a hurried rush, and sobering as it passed. And

the bitter aftertaste is still in my mouth.

I feel so wounded right now. The tears that I can’t cry are almost choking me. What’s happening,

Casey? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you thinking of when we’re together? Can’t you

either hide it better, or finally talk to me?

This isn’t working. For the first time, I feel that it’s the cold and bitter truth. I’m not finding what I

need here. That’s why I’m secretly seeking it with somebody else, even though I couldn’t admit it until

now. And you are too, Case. I know that now. And it hurts, because I love you still. I may never be able

to say it, but I do.

Things will look brighter again in the morning. And I’ll tell myself, it’s not that bad. We can work it

out. And I’ll know that it’s nonsense, but I’ll cling to it. And so will you.

I can’t lose you, Casey. I can’t lose your kindness, and your friendship. I can’t lose your belief that

I’m a better person than I am. I can’t lose your love. I can’t lose you. I can’t.

I swallow hard and carefully slip out of bed. The mystery present is still lying on my desk,

shimmering in the bright moonlight. I stare at it for a long moment, feeling defeated. I will have to push

these feelings back, suppress them, like I’ve learned to do. I will have to before the morning comes.

And the new night, with that stupid Halloween party I’ve foolishly agreed to come along to with Casey.

But it’s not morning yet.

My fingers are trembling when I tear the expensive paper apart. I was right. There’s only one person

on this planet that this could be from. No card needed. I get a lump in my throat when I tenderly run my

fingers over the glossy cover. It’s an awesome, expensive illustrated book about Berlin.

* * *

It’s still my birthday, and will be for two more hours. Just two hours, and how much worse can things

get in so little time? Well, knowing me and my life, pretty much anything could happen.

We’re at the big Halloween bash, and there’s something here that makes me remember why I didn’t

want to come: People. There’s people here. Tons of ‘em. People in the most ridiculous costumes, just

dancing, partying, shouting. I couldn’t be forced to wear a costume when threatened with electroshock

treatment, but Casey looks mighty fine in his Grease outfit, with the borrowed black leather jacket, the

tight black denim, and a cigarette tugged behind his ear. He’s doing an alright job with the attitude too, I

think. I can’t stop staring at him, but it hurts.

I got through most of my birthday okay, although it did start with me running into Anna wearing a

wig and a dress that made her look like someone’s aunt, barking at me that she was gonna be Simone de

Beauvoir today. Scarred for life, I tell you.

Then my dear school paper colleagues thought I would enjoy having a surprise party bestowed upon

me, and forced me to eat cake so disgustingly sweet my stomach’s still recovering. But now, after

having just spent a rather draining hour in Casey’s room, deliberately not talking about the things we