either. And do you want to know why I kept coming back? Because you’re hot and talented and actually

paid attention to me for a while, and it felt good. And you can’t lie and say that you didn’t get off a little

on our whole… arrangement.”

A smile flashes across his lips. “I liked sleeping with you. And yeah, it was convenient.” He tilts his

head to the side. “What you did with the rest of your time wasn’t my business, and vice versa. That was

the arrangement.”

He looks into the distance for a moment before his eyes focus on my face again. “I knew you were

messed up. But I was too messed up myself at the time to care.”

I’m a little surprised that he’s even admitting to such a thing, but I have to smile a bit myself. “Well,

you hid it pretty well most of the time. I have to give you that. No wonder you get the leads in all the

plays.” I go quiet for a bit as the thoughts move through my mind. “So. We’re both screwed up. Glad we

can admit that. What now?”

There’s a sparkle in his eyes when he grins at me. “We each get our act together. ‘Cause couples

therapy is not an option.”

His attitude is contagious now, something seeming lighter between the two of us than I can ever

remember it being before. The laughter’s hiding just under the surface of my words. “What’s the matter,

Rizzo? Don’t want to sit here and listen to me talk about my feelings? I’m told it’s what I’m supposed to

do here. And I’m sure Doc would be happy to include you in our appointments.”

He grins. “Sure. I can see that happening. We’ll sob in each other’s laps, and we’ll share, and

everything will be wonderful. When do we start?”

Laughing with Rizzo is unfamiliar, but it feels good to joke with him. “Doc’s been pushing for

family therapy, but you’re the closest thing to a family member that’s actually shown up for more than

two minutes. And I think I’ve said more to you than I have in a session since I got here. She’d probably

pull you into her office right now if she knew you were here.” I try not to wince at how pathetic parts of

that sound, letting the laughter cover it.

He smiles, but he doesn’t laugh. Just looks at me thoughtfully. “Yeah well, parents - can’t live with

them, can’t kill them.”

“I’d have to be able to find them first.” The words slip out, just like they have been, without me

thinking about them first. I realize how bad most of them probably sound, but I try to soften everything

with a smile. “And then I’d probably have to schedule time to do it.”

He winks at me, leans forward and lowers his voice to a whisper. “Say no more. It can be arranged.”

I smile again at the return of the banter, and lean forward in my chair a little as well, dropping my

voice to match his. “I’m not sure you’re the ‘Godfather’ type, but thanks anyway.”

He grins. “You ain’t seen my ‘Pacino’ yet.”

While my laughter comes easy in response, I’m surprised by the comfortable feeling behind it. It’s

something I’ve rarely felt with another person. In the moment, I’m able to forget our history and just

enjoy sitting and talking with Rizzo.

“The anticipation is killing me.”

***

It’s cold outside, and gray like it gets in early January. I hate it, but there’s really no escaping it. There’s

a steady stream of visitors coming in today, and even in my chair in the TV room, I can feel the draft

that cuts across the floor from the constantly opening doors at the front of the building. There’s nothing

good on the TV, the weather channel murmuring out the 7-day forecast at me.

I can hear it when someone else comes into the room, but my back’s to the doorway, and I don’t feel

like turning around, so it’s a surprise when whoever it is stops near my chair. I turn my head just enough

to peer up at a familiar smile, shocked to see it again.

“You came back.” My words slip out without my thinking, and Rizzo’s smile widens just a little.

“I wasn’t doing anything important today. Had the time.”

The words alone might’ve hurt way too much at one time, but this time I catch the look in his eye,

the lightness to his tone, and I grin back up at him. “Well thanks for stopping by again. Is this going to

be a regular thing now? Because I can pencil you in on my calendar if it is.”

I’m trying to match Rizzo’s tone, but he just shrugs at me and smiles. “We’ll see.”

Chapter 4

Unhappy New Year

JAMES: You know how things tend to go when you break up with someone you still love. How you

say to each other: “I’ll never stop caring about you. Let’s always be friends!” And then you go and just

drop off each other’s radar completely. Well, big surprise: Things are no different with Casey and me.

It’s January and the world is about as colorless and worn out as I feel. Christmas at home was

draining, as per usual. Mom and I do our best to pretend that we’re happy during the holidays, and we

know that we’re not, and it’s all pretty messed up. We try not to think of Simon, and she feels compelled

to tell me stories about my father from when I was too little to remember. I’ve heard them all a thousand

times, but I like hearing them. I like the look she gets in her eyes when she talks about him and his

family. We lost touch with them when she married again. “Your father would have been so proud of

you”, she always tells me. I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t have.

It’s weird to think that I don’t really have any family besides her. Mom’s parents are gone, Simon’s

folks hate my guts, and I don’t blame them. As far as I know, the only relatives I have left on dad’s side

are my German grandmother whom Mom thinks moved back to Germany with dad’s sister years ago.

So I guess it’s possible that I also have cousins across the Atlantic, somewhere. Mom says I should try

to find them when I go to Berlin. I told her that over 82 million people live in that country, and I don’t

intend to ring on every door.

As far as Christmas gifts are concerned, I’m happy to report that this year she knitted me a sweater

that actually fits. It’s gray, which she knows I like. She gave me that look and said: “I don’t know why

you would like a color that isn’t even a color.” To which I replied: “Maybe I do because it isn’t.” I guess

gray is less of a color than a state of mind. One that was tailor-made for me.

New Year’s went by quietly, with us watching the Times Square celebration on TV, making snarky

remarks, and clinking glasses with herbal tea at midnight, because she’s not supposed to drink alcohol. I

thought about giving Casey a call the next day to wish him a happy new year, as you do. I didn’t

though. Because I realized the one I really wanted to talk to was Rizzo.

Casey hangs out with his artsy people now, and he seems to be doing alright. He spends a lot of time

with that red-head Leo who gazes at him like he’s god’s gift to womankind. It fills me with evil glee that

she doesn’t seem to know that he swings another way.

Casey and I aren’t ignoring each other or anything. Our ways just mysteriously don’t seem to cross

much anymore. This would leave me all by my lonesome if Anna had not - for reasons unknown and

better not questioned - decided to take me under her wing, and make me hang out with her scary dykes.

On occasion I find myself almost enjoying their company. I don’t even want to know what that says

about me.

Anna is dating Rhea now, who happens to play the Queen in the Hamlet production. So it’s just my

luck that she keeps me well informed of how Rizzo is doing - regardless of how much I assure her that I

do not want to know. According to her, the mourning period is definitely over. Which means in plain