how to deal with it.

I turn my head back towards the stage, trying my best to quickly come up with a safer topic. “So

how’s the show?”

A sarcastic little smile curls his lips, and he is back to his usual self in less than two seconds. “Oh,

definitely the one thing the world needs. On top of atomic weapons, global warming, and AIDS.”

“Ouch. That good, huh?”

“It makes me want to rinse my eyes and ears with acid.”

I laugh, and he glances at his watch. “Let’s get out of here.”

“You’re gonna miss the grand finale.”

“I’m sure I’ll get over it. Oh look, I already am.”

***

James and I are sitting opposite of each other at one of the large tables in the big library. It is early

evening. Flipping through pages and taking notes in peaceful silence, working on different projects for

different classes. It is always refreshingly cool in these long halls. The smell of dust, wood, and books is

in the air. I let my gaze wander through the room, and spot Leo’s flaming red hair as she steps out of the

dark line of shelves, her arm full of heavy books. She sees me and waves happily. I smile at her and

wave back. Then I look over at James, who has that rapt, highly concentrated look on his face that

always touches me. I never met anyone who was able to lose themselves with such enthusiasm in their

school work. I wonder if I look anything like that when I’m drawing.

There is beauty that’s just skin-deep, and there are people like James that you have to take the time

to really get to know before you can see their beauty. But once you see it, they shine. I’m strangely

moved all of a sudden, watching him. I remember how his lips felt on mine, and my heart starts to beat

madly. I can feel myself blush, and quickly stare down on my open book. I never considered the

possibility of being with a man. I never fancied men. I wonder what it feels like to James, to know with

absolute certainty that he is gay. I wonder if kissing a man feels exactly the same to James as kissing

Amber felt to me back in high school. And I wonder what it felt like to James to kiss me at that party.

But more than anything, I wonder what it is about Danny Rizzo that attracts me so much that I keep

having these dreams of making out with him. It turns me on, and that makes me feel strangely ashamed

of myself.

Chapter 6

Fancy

JAMES: The sun hangs low in the sky, the light is mild and golden, but the air is still warm. It is one of

those rare evenings when everything seems quiet and calm, and the world is perfect. Casey and I are

sitting outside of Starbucks, opposite of the movie theater, wasting time until the film starts. Not a lot of

people would be delighted to go see a foreign low-budget movie with subtitles. It is one of the things I

appreciate about him. He cares about quality, not quantity. I lean back in my chair, watching him.

Content just to exist and live this moment, with the smell of coffee in my nostrils from the steaming

cappuccino in my large paper cup. But Casey is restless today. He pokes around in his cup with a

Starbucks stick as if he were trying to stab the poor coffee grounds.

“Have you seen Danny? I thought he wanted to come.”

Danny. I hate how he always calls him by his first name. He never says Rizzo, like everyone else. I

hate how soft the name sounds, coming from his lips. I shrug, naturally not giving a damn. “You know

Rizzo. He says things he doesn’t mean all the time.”

Casey looks at me silently for a while. “What exactly is it that you don’t like about him, James? Tell

me.”

It is a simple question, so the answer should be easy enough. I think about it for a minute, and realize

that everything I could say would probably make me sound like the jealous drama queen from hell.

Which I like to believe I’m not, thank you. But someone has to at least try and wave a warning sign

before he heads any further down catastrophe lane. I might as well cut to the chase. “Listen, Casey. I

know you fancy him and all. But I just don’t think he’s good for you.”

Casey blinks slowly, like he can’t believe I actually just said that. He blushes noticeably, and how

cute is that. “I didn’t know you were aware of that,” he smiles, speaking softly, and long lashes hide his

eyes as he stares down at the table. “I think I didn’t want to believe it myself.”

“Does it throw you off that much, fancying guys?”

“No! God, no, don’t think that. I mean, you are… and I’d never…”

I smile. “It’s okay.”

“It’s just not like I generally fancy guys.”

“Ah. So you fancy selectively.”

He glances up briefly. “You’re making fun of me.”

“Why yes, I am.”

He laughs, his blush deepening, but his eyes are warm when he looks at me. “Thank you.”

“For making fun of you?”

“Nope. For understanding.”

Who says I do, I want to say, but I stop myself. I really don’t get why someone as smart as Casey

can honestly fall for such a jerk.

Casey looks pensively into the distance, and the sinking sun makes his skin shimmer with a golden

touch. Sigh.

“Don’t you sometimes wish you could be free from all those fears and uncertainties? That you could

just take this mess that is your life, and turn it into something special?”

I smile to myself. “You know, you’re really one of a kind.”

He turns towards me with a little frown. “And you’re not half the jaded cynic you’d like to be. I

know you wish for it too.”

“Maybe you’re right. But maybe you don’t know me quite as well as you think.”

“Really?” He smiles. “Is there something you wanna tell me?”

There’s too much, Casey. Far too much, and there aren’t nearly enough words in the world.

“Yeah,” I reply lightly, deliberately ending our little heart-to-heart. I glance at the clock over the

entrance of the movie theater. “Movie’s starting any minute. Let’s go inside.”

***

The movie is about three guys who steal a car and drive across country, meeting some really bizarre

people on the way. One of them is gay, and he falls in love with his best friend. I wish I’d known about

that particular bit before. The film takes an unexpected turn from comedy to drama when one of the

main characters dies. I don’t know why, but something about the way the two remaining guys talk to

each other, trying to deal, touches me. Something about their pain, their loss, the tragedy of life and

death, and how nothing good ever lasts forever. Casey seems to feel the same way about it, he sighs

softly beside me. I glance at him, and he looks at me with a strange expression on his face. I can’t read

it in the semi-darkness of the theater. He gives me a little pat on the arm, and turns back to the screen. I

do the same. Then he looks at me again, and suddenly he reaches over and puts his hand on mine.

I freeze. Completely. Can’t think. Can’t act. Feel the warmth of his palm, his fingers on my skin. I

think I’m in shock. Then my mind starts to race. God, what does this mean? Has he finally added up

two and two and realized that I’m like that guy on the screen? That I’m crazy about him? I bite my

lower lip; bite down hard, until I taste my own salty blood. Fighting the agony inside by inflicting

physical pain onto myself doesn’t help. Not this time. A minute passes slowly, his hand is still on mine.

There is no air in this goddamned theater, and I can’t breathe.

“I gotta take a leak.” Too abruptly, I pull my hand away and get up. Hurry through the rows, glad it’s

so empty, trip and almost fall over, feel stupid, and hurry outside. I lean against the wall, and exhale.

Superb, Foley. How extremely mature. But in spite of my attempts at sarcasm, I hurt inside. Far