who could love me for who I am. How could I even love myself? How could I ever forgive myself?

I’ve been carrying this around since I was sixteen years old. I could never talk about it. Not to anyone.

In all these years, it’s grown and grown inside my head, slowly but steadily eating my soul.

Minutes have passed. My little trip inside James’ head has left me feeling dizzy with pain. But at

least now I understand. And James seems much calmer now, so eventually I haul him up, get him back

into the car, and I drive to a motel I saw on my way into town. I get us a room, and he immediately lies

down on the bed, and curls up into the fetal position. I lie down beside him and listen to his breathing,

knowing somehow that he doesn’t want to be touched right now. I wait until he’s dozed off. Then I

quietly leave the room and organize something to eat and some tea.

He starts to wake up when I steal back inside and sit down on the bed beside him.

“Hey,” I say softly and hold out the paper cup to him.

“Hey,” he replies, his voice sounding uncertain and small as he sits up and takes the cup from my

hand. He won’t meet my eyes.

“You hungry? I brought pizza.”

He almost smiles, like he can’t believe I’m here and I’m doing these things. I get him to eat a few

bites, and drink some of his tea. Then he lies down again to stare at the ceiling. I join him carefully. I’m

not sure what he needs me to do now, so I’ll just lay here with him for a while.

I’m not sure how much time passes before he speaks. When he does, his voice sounds small and

hoarse.

“You don’t have to be here.”

“No, I do. I want to.”

He sounds confused. “But… why? Danny, don’t you see that you should run from me as fast as you

can?”

I almost smile at that. “You still don’t get it, do you?”

He glances at me for the first time again. “Get what?”

“That I love you, you idiot.” The words just slip out like that, like they’ve been on my tongue for

months now, just waiting to be spoken.

James blinks slowly, and swallows. Repeatedly. I’m sure that’s the last thing he was expecting to

hear. “You’re crazy,” he finally says.

“About you? Why, yes I am.”

“But… didn’t you hear what I said? How can you…”

“Shhh. Stop that. I want you exactly the way you are. I always have. Nothing can change that.”

“I pushed you away,” he says, still sounding so unbelieving it’s breaking my heart.

“You did. And I was angry, and stupid, and unforgiving, and I couldn’t see why you did what you

did. But I do now.”

“Danny…” he seems to run out of words then, because he just stares at me, utterly lost. Pale, and

shaken to the core, and still so very beautiful.

“Can I ask you a question?” I say softly.

He nods.

“What you told me at the house - you said you promised to keep it a secret.”

He nods again.

“Why did you tell me?” Of all people, I almost add.

James looks at me with those beautiful lonely eyes and shrugs. “I don’t know. I had to, somehow.

Now that she’s gone… I think I needed someone else to know. I needed you to know.”

“Glad you did.”

He frowns. “How can you be? Now that you know this about me. Don’t you wish I hadn’t said a

word?”

I shake my head and roll onto my side, propping my head up on my arm. “Never in a million years.

And you’ll keep talking to me about these things, okay? It’s obvious that you need to.”

He shakes his head. “No, Danny. I can’t burden you with any more of my crap.”

I lean over and cup his face in my hand. “I want you to. Hell, Jimmy, I want to be with you. Let me

be there. Let me be the one.”

He blinks slowly. “Are you serious? But…”

“Oh, shut up. Just say that that’s okay with you.”

The lonely eyes light up with a shimmer of hope. “Okay? Are you nuts? That’s not just okay,

that’s… you are… I can’t believe you still…”

That’s when I lean in and kiss him, and he sinks into the kiss with the softest sigh of relief. It’s a

careful kiss, tender, almost chaste, unlike any kiss we’ve had so far. But for some reason, it is the best. I

know that he is everything I want. And it looks like we’re finally on the same page. Hallelujah.

When we break the kiss, for the first time in ages, I see him smile. It’s a weak smile, a crooked

smile. But it’s a start.

Chapter 12

Leap Of Faith

JAMES: We finally get back to Woodhaven a week later. I probably should have stayed longer, but I

just couldn’t deal anymore with wrestling with insurances, banks, police, and about a billion other just

as pleasant institutions that want something from me because of the fire. Although Danny did most of

the wrestling for me. Part of me still hasn’t quite processed that we’re officially together now. That

Danny Rizzo is suddenly my boyfriend. Damn.

I don’t tell him, but I’m so glad he’s around right now. Just taking on some responsibility, taking

care of me, so seamlessly like that’s exactly what he’s always done. I’m still in doubt, because I’m not

sure I can allow this to be real. I want to be with him more than anything in my life. But I can’t shake

the fear that he’ll change his mind tomorrow, and wander off to sleep with someone else. My head’s still

in a bit of a funk over everything that’s happened. I still reach for the phone automatically every night to

call Mom, and then I realize that she isn’t there to answer anymore. That she’ll never be again. I’ll never

hear her voice or see her face again. Part of me still just can’t accept this. I always feel like she’s still

around somehow.

I’ve come to learn that I do have friends, and that they’re all pretty amazing. Everyone is trying to

take care of me, mostly in a sneaky way, hoping I don’t notice. Anna secretly does my laundry. Rhea

brings me useful books from the library so I don’t have to deal with people, and takes over as temporary

editor in chief. Nick comes by almost every day, just to talk and distract me. He’s a pretty good

distracter. And I’m pretty sure Casey talked all my professors into going easy on me when it comes to

assignments, because everyone is suddenly offering me extensions on my paper deadlines out of the

blue. That’s really all very sweet, but all I want is to just get on with my life. If I don’t, then I’m even

more miserable. Studying keeps me from thinking of Mom. Danny keeps me from thinking of Mom too,

in his own special way. He has a way of sensing when I need him around, and when I want to be on my

own that borders on paranormal. Sometimes I’m happy when we’re together, and then I feel bad for

being happy during this hard time.

“It’s okay to be happy,” Danny says when I finally mention it one afternoon. “That’s what your mom

would want.”

I frown at him, knowing he’s right. We’re on his bed and I’m playing with his fingers, lean and

beautiful. Exactly the kind of hand you’d want to touch you. “That’s easy for you to say.”

He smiles and shrugs. “J, you’re gonna feel how you feel no matter what. You can’t change that. No

use feeling guilty about it.”

Wise words, and I can’t believe it’s him of all people to say them. I can’t hide a grin. “My god,

you’re like a talking fortune cookie.”

He laughs out loud and attacks me with his pillow. “Confucius say: You get your ass kicked!”

It turns into a pillow fight that somehow turns into making out. I’m not sure how exactly, but

suddenly he’s on top of me, and I’m breathless from his kiss. The laughing brown eyes are looking

down at me, and my heart is so full with all kinds of emotion I’m sure it will burst any moment now.

Then I think of Mom again, and my smile fades. Danny rolls off of me and tugs me close. I let myself